I’m not sure who is controlling the dating websites but I find they are getting more ridiculous. Let’s take OkCupid for example in how people message each other. They’ve changed it. The old way, anyone could message you. You could either respond or not. Now OkCupid won’t show a new message unless you click on DoubleTake. They show a few pictures and stats: name, age, location and percentage of match but that’s it. You can’t look at their profile before liking or passing. At the bottom of the picture it shows if they messaged you. If you want to read the message you have to like them. Why would I like them? Based on a picture?
Are you serious? You might be hot but that doesn’t mean I like you. You might be a Trump supporter that is a deal breaker. How would I know that? Can I take the like back?
If I browse searches I am limited on my criteria unless I become a paying member. Why would I pay a dating website to show me the same guys that I see for free? What’s the incentive? Apparently if I want to date physically fit guys I have to become a member. If I want to date attractive men (who OkCupid thinks are attractive) I have to become a member. Why?
If I want to search men within a location I’m limited to 500 miles or anywhere. Anywhere means Antarctica or Russia. Sorry, but it’s very unlikely that I’m going to date someone outside of my country. I can travel freely within my country (well at least for now) and that is my incentive. I might have a conversation with a foreigner but meeting them? That is unlikely. Why can’t I search for men who live in the United States without having to change my city?
Another dating website POF aka Plenty of Freaks has put an age limit of 14 years. Apparently 14 is the magic number in their eyes. That means that I can’t converse with someone who is 15 years older or younger than myself. My dad was 17 years younger than my step mom. Good thing they weren’t on POF they would never have met. I find it hilarious that POF promotes hook ups and advertises sex sites but won’t allow people who are adults to make up their own minds on whom they speak to.
Dating sites are becoming dictators. The more they try to enforce their rules the more customers they will lose. I miss the good old days of meeting people in person before the introduction to online dating. Remember those days when you looked into each other’s eyes and said hello with a smile? A time where we had face to face conversations? A time where we had social skills where we knew how to interact with others in public? I think I’m going back to that time, maybe we can say hello in person.
When it comes to online dating you must ask yourself what do you want and who do you want from the experience. If you want to be successful with online dating you have to shake things up, starting with a great User Name and headline. I made up the name HotChild2012 from the song Hot Child in The City which many people remember and it was the year I started this dating blog.
A catchy username/headline is the same as going to the library, or renting a movie, and going through hundreds of titles until one piques your interest. You stop and look at the picture(s) on the front and back cover, then you read the summary or the first page. If all three interest you, you read it and or watch it.
Pictures tell a 1000 words but words help create the fantasies. Pictures and words together are like the pop up books we had as kids. As you turn the page the picture pops up creating a 3D effect and an unexpected wow factor which keeps us wanting more.
Creating the perfect written profile takes imagination. It should show who you are in a playful manner. Write from your heart, but don’t write a tear jerker. No one wants to hear about your troubles and your woes. Everything can have a positive spin. Humor is life’s antidote. Watch the comedians George Carlin, Robin Williams, Steven Wright, Julia Louis-Dreyfus and look how they take something serious and poke fun at it. It can be down right funny. We need humor in this day and age of the orange top dictator on the reality show: Who’s Coming to Dinner at the White House?
Pictures: Should be clear not blurry preferably not with other people. This confuses us; is that your wife, husband, lover? Crop them out. Also put recent pictures up, showing what you look like now, not from 20 years ago. There should be a few close ups showing your smile and your eyes, for those are the windows to your soul. There should also be pictures of your full body not pornographic but tasteful and fun. If you are a hiker post a picture of you hiking, if you sail show a picture of you on a sailboat and so on. Show them who you are and what you like to do.
Change the order of your pictures and add or delete them. Each time you change something in your profile it refreshes it and more people look at it. Always show your best picture first this is what draws them in, followed by the 2nd and 3rd best since everyone clicks on the pictures first.
The following is my written profile: I tell them who I am with humor. There are some serious undertones but the humor masks it and makes them laugh and they message me.
Heading to check out the coast of Washington. This free spirit is On The Road Again but not with Willie. Writing about her adventures on the road less traveled.
Does anyone remember laughter?
Where’s that confounded bridge?
Who’s rowing today Jimmy?
Who said that? From what songs? And what albums? You’ll earn gold stars for all the correct answers.
Re: FWB’s read down:
As Mr. Big says to Carrie: “Sometimes you just want to be with the one who makes you laugh.
I’m everything and nothing all at once. Can you handle me? I’ve been called a Wild Child, Bohemian, Enigma just don’t call me Donna Reed or Ma’am or label me, I’m not a can of soup.
Summer is here and I’m looking for an activity partner to hike, kayak, explore, dance the night away. Run wild by my side, enjoy the time we have. Or if we connect on a sexual level then that would be mighty fine as well but on a longer ride.
Here’s my little ditty regarding …:
I’m the one you never met,
But once you meet me
I’m the one you’ll never forget
I’m the woman of your desire
The one who will make your mind spin
I’m the woman who will set your heart on fire
If you’ll only, let me, in…
That’s all folks, stage left
PS. I love my 420…And I’m not talking about the area code. Granted when I first saw it I did wonder what part of the country it was.
But wait there’s more:
FWB aka NSA: Great Fantasy but it’s a Fallacy:
Only way it works if both parties don’t give a flying hoot about each aka void of emotional intimacy. That’s a fairytale because eventually someone falls for the other and it’s goodbye.
I love my freedom but I also love intimacy with the one I care about. I guess that’s a double edge sword. We all look great on paper (well most of us except for the faceless creatures & those who write nothing) but finding the one we want to know and enjoy being with is quite another experience.
Even though we lead busy lives I want someone who wants to make time for me and I will do the same for you. I want to be the great book you can’t put down and you are in full anticipation to see where the story leads. Every bend, every curve you want to explore the journey with me.
I’m of Transylvanian descent and a true Scorpio; that sums me up perfectly. Ha!
I’m worth the journey. Are you?
What I’m doing with my life
Enjoying this chapter in my life in the Rocky Mountain high: traveling, exploring, designing (helping people live the way they want in the now and the future), writing…living life on my terms…
I’m really good at
Do I earn a Gold Star if I tell?
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Wait a minute I have to go check my record collection, be back in a …
Six things I could never do without
I always wondered why 6? Is that the magic number? 4 and 7 and 11 are mine.
I spend a lot of time thinking about
-Lobster Bisque (for those who are Seinfeld connoisseurs)
-What adventure awaits me.
On a typical Friday night I am
Whatever I want to do. It’s still a free country even though nut job is on the Toilet!
You should message me if
If you want to do more than window shop…knock on my door and say hello. I might just be home to open it.
Now that Trevor is gone I decide to move my zip code to LA to check out the online dating scene there. That’s where the beautiful, talented people are and I want to be part of it. Granted, I’m not physically in the town of cellulite heroes but emotionally, I am.
All of a sudden in less than 24 hours I get 100 likes. Over 900 likes in less than one month. Wow, that’s a record for me! The euphoria sets in which takes my mind away from him. Hey we all like to be popular, even though many of us deny it, we like the attention that is bestowed on us.
I equate it to TV show ratings. The more likes a show receives the longer it stays on the air. We are a society of wannabe popular folks. Look what happens when people like our FaceBook and other social media posts. From an early age we have birthday parties, Prom King and Queens, Homecoming Queens to Most Popular in our Yearbooks. Those who are popular get picked for everything, remember gym class? Pick me pick me. None of us wanted to be the last person standing in line. People flock to those who are well liked. It’s a pecking order.
As a child I was extremely shy and was not part of the elitist group of popular kids. At 5’8″ tall I was a scraggly 108 pounds. I felt like the ugly duckling, very unsure of myself and my looks. I never wore dresses because I was so skinny. I remember playing softball and this bully named Kim yelled “Hey Ostrich Legs” to me while I was batting. I still remember the sting of her words.
I was not asked to the prom nor did I have a boy friend in high school. I was an introvert with a small group of close knit friends. Even though I lost my virginity at the age of 17 to a lobster boy on an island in Maine I was not a popular kid in my hometown.
In September of 1984 after graduating from high school I moved to Fort Lauderdale and worked as a manager for my sisters friend. This is where I became a Wild Child. No one knew me and I was able to reinvent myself. The ugly duckling turned into a swan. I had a new persona and confidence in myself. Men wanted me and I wanted them. I couldn’t get enough. I guess I was making up for lost time.
Maybe that’s why I choose online dating as a platform for conversing with men. As I lick my wounds, and say the word NEXT! I’ll show the world I’m liked. My pride and ego are at stake and being liked by strangers heightens my confidence on the dating circuit. After a few days of being bombarded by men, however, I’m becoming bored of the city of beautiful people and its time to move on to new cities and adventures.
Trevor just informed me that he is going back to Arizona sooner than expected and isn’t sure when he will be back. He has to help his dad out and he’ll be traveling to see clients in the area. I thought he was going to be here until September but he’s leaving in a few days. Ugh!
We just spent a fantastic week together enjoying each other’s company, chilling, having fun, laughing, having amazing sex in all the unusual places. Sunday I met his friends and we tubed down the river which was my first time. It was a blast. My walls are coming down, not all the way down, but down. The problem is that I really like him.
I’ve been on a number of first dates in the past but when it comes to second dates from an online dating site that is a totally different story. I know it’s been a short time but we have been conversing since July 7 when he first contacted me. I’m outside his mileage area but when he was in my area he saw my profile and felt the need to invade my head.
We are great on paper and in person and that is very hard to find. I didn’t want to have this conversation so soon; where are we going? I told him what I was looking for: One person to be intimate with, to enjoy each other’s company. He agreed but didn’t want to hurt me. Apparently looking back I did all the talking and he just listened.
As I said goodbye to him I should have listened to the red flags. When I said casually “When you are in town give me a call, I would love to get together.”
“I’m not sure when that will be since I have so much stuff going on.” He said looking away avoiding my eyes.
Hmmm I thought. I looked at him as I kissed him goodbye, got in my car and drove off. I get it now, he was just looking for a good time even though he wrote in his profile that he was looking for one person in his life. I guess I’m not the one. I get it and it hurts.
That afternoon he text me a polite note: “Hope your adventures were fun today. I’m about to jump in the river. Then visit friends. Up early to head to AZ.”
I replied back with pictures of my adventures which included an old shoe with a nice text: Did you lose your shoes? Just finished the tour of the ghost town. Love the his/her story & architecture. Thank you for the 3 hour tour. I’m glad I met you and enjoyed chilling with you, you’re a cool dude. Safe journey, my friend.”
I also sent him a voice recording since I was driving: “I’m glad you knocked on my door and I was home to answer it. Even though it was a short time together, I really like you and I just want you to know that. Safe trip my friend and lover boy.”
He never replied. This morning I saw that he changed cities on Ok Cupid. Boy that was quick. I get it. I really do.
I sent him a nice text this morning: “Morning. I hope you had a safe journey. I checked out the caverns yesterday, very cool. Good to be home for 1 day before next guests arrive. Take care my friend, hope you find who you are looking for. -Mrs Robinson.
No reply. He’s the guy who has his phone attached to his side. I could make excuses for him why he hasn’t responded twelve hours later, but I know: He’s just Not That into me.
I will chalk it up to a good time had by all and move on.
I met Trevor on OkCupid an online dating site. We have many mutual interests. He is a great guy and the more time we spend together the more I like him. He’s kind, funny, articulate, compassionate, has his act together, is financially secure, loves the outdoors, travels to beautiful places and is great in bed. The way he looks at me makes me melt. It’s as though his blue eyes are looking deep into my soul.
He’s everything I want in a man. But, there is always a caveat. He travels a lot for work since he’s a sales manager for the western states. That doesn’t bother me too much since I’m busy with my own life. The problem is that he lives in southern Arizona in the winter and will be leaving in September. It’s mid July and we have less than two months to enjoy each other. We haven’t talked about it, but it’s the big white elephant in the room.
The question is: Do I want to get involved with a man who is leaving? My heart tells me to enjoy the time we have together but my mind is telling me to put up my walls, since heartbreak is on the horizon.
There’s a great line in the song “Tomorrow” by Bob Seger; “I can’t promise you tomorrow. No one has the right to lie.” It is the truth. We can’t control what happens in the future, we can only live in the now.
That is easier said than done. In one of the questions on OkCupid, his answer to marriage is No, but he wants to find someone to settle down with. We are both divorced and neither of us want to marry again.
What is he expecting that the woman will give up her life to be with him? I can’t stand Phoenix, and I’m not a fan of the desert. I love greenery, the ocean, mountains, lakes, rivers, diversity. The desert is a great place to visit for a week but to live?
I know our relationship is in its infancy but thinking about September is looming in my mind. Do I talk to him about it now or let it go and enjoy the time we have together?
Him: I unscrewed the P trap a bit the white nut on the bottom of the sink, but it needs to be tightened.
Me: It’s still leaking.
Him: Did you tighten the drain part?
Me: Yes. You’re fired as a plumber but you can service my parts when the warranty runs out!
Him: Ha Good night
Friday, November 25, 2016
Him: I forgot to say happy thanksgiving yesterday
Me: Thanks hope you enjoyed the day
Him: I did in New Orleans with family
Me: Oh fun
Him: Yeah..things are ok with the new girl, not gonna say love since I still think about you though
Me: Oh you’re sweet
Him: I don’t know if that involves an angle when I’m wanting to have another night with you when I’m back-devilish because we are horny.
Me: You can’t be my plumber. I fired you, remember? Isn’t she good in bed? You can always teach her.
Him: Yeah but that was still one of the sexiest things ever.
Him: I just took a morning jog to clear my head of sexual thoughts before I hang out with the family and just kept feeling my dick swollen and swinging into my thighs getting harder thinking of you. Haha it must have been funny to see a guy running with a half hard on. Thankfully there was enough blood pumping to my legs and my lungs
Me: Lol. It was fun playing with you in my new abode. You were my first to christen it.
Him: I know. I wish we were a little smoother with the role play like skipping the water and screwing up the plumbing and having you just have started to take my pants off when I was laying down under the sink. I was already hard you could have just been the horny wife taking advantage of a young worker before your husband got home.
Him: You were so sexy answering the door like you were
Him: I had to cut my workout short right now to rub one out.
Me: This is my other sexy outfit
Him: OMG! Did you just put that on or already have a picture?
Me: Thought that would keep you warm. It’s a picture of me, last November. Last Thanksgiving I picked up a guy I was dating at the airport wearing it.
After sexting with Mitch, I put on my sexy red lingerie, black silk stockings and high heel shoes. He loves role playing and so do I. There is something sexy about living out a fantasy. A few minutes later I hear a knock on the door and a man says, “I’m here to fix your pipes.”
I open the door and smile. His blue eyes look me up and down as he comes towards me. I move to the left to let him in. Our bodies lightly touch as he walks by. I can feel my body respond.
“Thank you for coming on such short notice. I tried tightening the pipe but it’s still leaking underneath.” I say as I bend down to open up the sink cabinet doors.”
“I have the tools you need to fix it.” He says as he kneels down to look at it.
“I know that’s why I called you.”
“I need you to turn on the water so I can tighten the pipe.”
“Okay. Should I turn on the sprayer or the faucet?”
“Both to see where the leak is.”
I oblige, turning on the faucet and grabbing the sprayer accidentally spraying him.
Laughing, I coyly say: “Oh Sorry, I didn’t mean to get you all wet.”
He jumps up as the water drenches him. “Sure you didn’t.” He says as he grabs the sprayer from my hand and puts it back into the hole. His clothes are soaked. He pulls me close, kissing me.
I put my hands on his chest and say breathlessly: “We can’t do this. My husband will be home any minute”.
“I’ll be quick. You’re so sexy and I want to be inside of you, now.”
I can feel his cock harden against my body. He picks me up and puts me against the wall as I franticallyunzip his pants, kissing him feverishly.
He guides his rock hard cock inside me. My body arches as I respond to his need. God he feels good. I let out a scream as I can feel him coming. One, two three more thrusts as he holds me close breathing heavily.
We are motionless for a few seconds before I unwrap my legs from his body.
“So you are the plumber I need when my pipes need fixing?”
I met Mitch on an online dating site a year ago. He’s 20 years younger than me but he, like many younger men, like older women. It’s the Mrs. Robinson scenario and I do play that up. We’re both in the same profession and he has a nice body, tall, lean and good looking in a boyish way. We went out a few times in the summer, hiking and kayaking enjoying each other’s company.
The way he looked at me I could tell that he wanted more than a platonic friendship. On a hot summer day while hiking in the mountains, he offered his hand while I climbed over a log. As soon as he grasped it he pulled me in and kissed me. His sweaty body glistening in the sunlight felt warm against my skin. I responded in kind and in the middle of the woods we explored each other’s bodies.
We sexted over the next couple of months but didn’t see each other until my birthday in November. I texted him asking if he would like to do something with me.
He replied: ” Yes and no, I’ve started talking to a girl I’m gonna pursue at the moment. I would like to come over and play games with you but it might have to wait for the future.”
“Oh ok, it’s my bday & I wanted you to play with me. I hope it works out for you with her.
“Ooo happy birthday. Well you remember our conversation on monogamy and how difficult it naturally is?
“Yes. But if she’s the one I will step aside.”
“Well I just started getting excited. Hot in the kitchen and thinking of you. Home alone tonight too.”
“Yep naked under the sheets watching Camelot waiting for Lancelot to ravish me.”
“Wait naked? I want a peek.”
“But your maiden is waiting for you and I’m just a damsel undressed.”
“Not all knights are wearing a shining armor some of us get dirty.”
“How dirty do they get?”
“And even a gentlemen couldn’t resist helping a damsel undressed on her birthday.”
“Do you clean up nicely? And would you hate me or yourself in the morning if you came to my bed knowing you are pursuing another? What say you?”
“I think I might hate myself if I don’t.”
“Then cum over and bring your condoms.”
“Well ok then. I like the fantasy roll play you have going on. I’m imagining you opening the door with a flowing robe barely exposing wearing some very sexy lingerie.”
“LOL. You can christen my tiny abode.”
“I don’t think I should spend the whole night though, I may leave very early in the am.”
“That’s fine you can climb down the ladder to your charger and ride off into the sunset. Or follow the North Star to safety.
Does the fair maiden feel like she is a damsel because she is in need of a contractor?
“No. In need of a man.”
“Well, I happen to be both.”
“I’ve always wanted to role play where I’m there to check your sink plumbing, corny I know. You answer looking incredibly sexy, small talk, I check out your sink, you get both of us wet when I ask you turn it on, hopefully you have water and a sprayer. You insist I get out of wet clothes and…
“Hmmm…Lancelot, get on your charger and follow the long drive until you will see my gold chariot next to my home. Your mistress is waiting.”
I’ve been single a couple of months and have been chatting with a few guys online. One guy has sparked my interest after many exchanged written words. I guess this is the same as they did back before the technology when people actually wrote their feelings and desires, goals, adventures.
We exchange cell numbers and speak via vocal chords for almost two hours. He’s creative and a writer. We have similar interests and the conversation flows easily. He’s helping a friend out with a business, 4 hours away from me.
On one hand that’s not too far but on the other it is. We haven’t met but I’m drawn to him. I have learned, however, that many of us look fantastic on paper. The challenge is meeting in person and having both sexual and emotional chemistry where we are compatible with each other. And wanting to see each other again. I seem to end up having a lot of platonic male friends because I’m not attracted in person.
I like sexting with a guy who I’m attracted to. It’s a dance where we tell each other our desires and our inhibitions are mute.
I text him: Can you come out and play?
He responds: I would love to come out and play. How about a soak in a hot springs with me?
Me: Hmmm…(I send him a picture of my Ass wearing a Victoria Secret’s bikini) and write: No butts about it I would love to join you.
Him: Mmmmm..you’re yummy. You have a beautiful bottom, baby. I could spend all day worshipping your body.
Me: How would you worship my body?
Him: I’d begin early and proceed slowly. With your naked body laying body laying next to me I’d gently trace every part of you with my hands and my lips, breathing you in, tasting you, savoring each curve of your soft silky skin.
Me: Hmmmm…I breathe you in feeling your body close to me. I close my eyes and follow your touch as it explores me for the first time.
He sends me a soft core black and white picture of a woman and man embraced in a sexual position.
Me: Beautiful soft-core erotica. As I straddle you, feeling your hardness, I slowly guide you pulling you deep inside of me, circling…
Him: Hmmm…I like you even more hot child…I think we have all the chemistry we want.
After breaking up with Michael, I’ve been single for a few months and figured its best to get back into the game. I’m a woman who loves the company of men; not just for dating but for platonic friendship. Plus, summer is coming and its time for me to get out of my isolated cocoon.
In order to present oneself in a favorable light, it’s important for the online written profile to be filled with humor. Both sexes like that, but men especially like drama free. Granted if you don’t want drama don’t create it, but that is for another blog.
Pictures tell a story and as we know most scan the pictures before reading the profile. Some send a line without reading. You know who those are? They are the ones who say Wow you’re beautiful or Hi. Apparently the one word email is not going to get them very far unless their profile offers something to be said in return.
Pictures should create a story of what you want to present to the online dating world. That being said, I like to post pictures of me doing various activities such as hiking, riding horses, traveling. Some of them I’m smiling, some of them I’m not. I do have a selfie because that is a requirement in the online dating world.
The main profile picture should be a close up of the face. I switch them around every few weeks to freshen up the profile. When you update your profile, all of a sudden you get more people looking at your site. So that being said the following is my online profile:
Mrs. Robinson looking for a lover who will drive me crazy.
Marriage is a 3 ring circus. First comes the engagement ring then comes the wedding ring then comes the suffering. Lol.
Not looking to be tamed…Run wild by my side…Enjoy me for who I am and I will do the same for you.
Just came back from a 5 week trains, planes & automobile journey chilling with friends & family. I’m like the Johnny Cash’s song “I’ve been everywhere man”
Rambling girl: I love my road trips the best, meeting new people, seeing beautiful natural landscapes and creating memories. I am told I’m the nomadic wanderer, free spirit, enigma and a wild child. Just don’t label me, I’m not a can of soup.
I live in a tiny home on wheels which I’ve designed and helped build. I’m writing and taking pictures of my adventures-writing a book about it. I might be coming to your neighborhood soon. So if you see that I change cities, this is why.
Who comes up with the silly questions? Get real! NEXT! I’m looking for an Activity Partner…Show me the town, hike, ride horses, kayak, etc.
I’m looking for an adventurous passionate spirit who can travel light.
Can you ride a horse? If you can ride a motorcycle you can ride a horse, just lean into the curve…I am in need of a riding partner. If you are under 200 pounds and as Jimi Hendrix said: “Are You Experienced?”
Do you know how to use your Vocal chords? If you do you will earn a gold star. I’m not a huge fan of pen pals, like the voice and the face much better.
Are you in 3D? I am…
Does anyone remember laughter? Plus Plus.
Sit back and enjoy the ride…Oh and leave your GPS at home.
What’s up with the guys with body parts or sunset pictures? Don’t be shy Show Face real face-your face. If I can do it so can you! This ain’t no Phantom of the Opera or Beauty and the Beast!
I’m a true Scorpio and of Transylvanian descent…Do I need to say more?
When I first saw the numbers 420 my first thought was what area code is that? I could have had a V8. I do like it especially the edibles yum
What’s up with all these fish pictures? Is this a fishing site where we reel them in? As Steven Wright says: There’s a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot. Haha.
On a serious matter: I’m a proud card-carrying SnowFlake who is quite tolerant and easy-going except if you voted for the lying, incompetent, narcissistic bully aka the orange top quack who is in bed with Putin. Do NOT say hello. Go directly to jail; do not pass go, and do not collect $200.
That’s all for now folks, stage left.
I figure it must be successful since almost 2600 guys like me. I average 155 visitors per week and I get a lot of messages. Stay tuned until next week when I discuss the weeding factor. Happy sailing.
Michael and I have been together for almost a year and living together for the last 5 months. He is my best friend and I love him but his mood swings are more than I can bear. Going off his medications does not help our relationship nor does it help his work. He’s spiraling out of control. I plead with him to go see his doctor but he refuses. He rather self medicate by drinking alcohol and smoking weed. He’s also smoking cigarettes again, something I detest.
I try to help but he pushes me away. Even when I try to talk to him calmly, he rolls his eyes, abruptly gets up and walks out of the room, slamming the door. It has reached a point where I realize no matter how much we love each other love isn’t enough to keep us together. Looking back at our relationship it has been rocky from the start.
We’ve had our share of fights. I know I’m not an angel and my insecurities in the past have caused a lot of grief but I’ve worked on it. I know now he would never cheat on me but I don’t know what is worse? One who cheats with another or leaves emotionally?
I know he’s really been down since he has writer’s block so I tell him about a creative writing course at the local college, which could help him with his writing, something which he is passionate about. Oh my, it’s almost as though I insulted him.
“Who the fuck do you think you are?” he screams at me.
“Michael, I just thought”.
“You think I can’t write?” he says as he jumps up and comes towards me his eyes showing his fury.
“No! That’s not what I said! I said” but he cuts me off again.
His face is inches from mine. I can see his anger as he shouts obscenities at me, telling me to fuck off and mind my own business.
“Know what Michael? Fuck you! I’m done with this so called relationship. You’re a fucking limp dick!” I scream as I jump up. “Fuck you Fuck you Fuck you! Asshole!” I yell as I give him the middle finger.
I grab my jacket, cell phone, pocketbook and keys and run out jumping in my car. I peel out of the driveway. I don’t care if anyone hears me. I drive for a while too mad to go anywhere. My phone is ringing but I refuse to answer it. When I’m really mad I can’t talk, what’s the point? I drive for a few hours with the music blaring. Finally I see a Holiday Inn Express sign and pull in. I can’t go back to him, so I book a room for the night and turn off my phone.
Once inside my room, I strip and take a long hot shower trying to clear my head. The hot water feels good against my skin and I start to relax. The last couple of months I felt as though I was walking on eggshells with him and now this fight is the final blow. I can’t do this to myself anymore. I just can’t.
I dry off and get into bed but my mind starts to race. I love him, but I realize I love myself more. Finally, I drift off to sleep. When I awake it’s 9am. I stretch and get up. I turn on my cell and scan the messages. Fifteen voice mail messages and ten text messages, all from Michael. The first few messages he’s telling me to fuck off, but by the end he’s apologetic: Passive Aggressive.
I know I can’t be with him anymore. I can’t be with someone who is bi-polar. Finally with resolve I drive back to our home. As I pull into the driveway I feel a sudden sense of dread. I unlock the front door and walk in. Michael is sleeping on the couch, dozens of beer cans are scattered on the floor. I watch him sleep. He looks so peaceful. I’m afraid to wake him not knowing how he will react if he sees me.
As I turn, I hear him stir, but he doesn’t wake up. I tip toe to the bedroom, grabbing my suitcases from the closet and I start packing my belongings. Lost in thought I’m startled by a voice and jump.
“I’m sorry, I don’t know why I jumped down your throat” he says with pleading in his eyes.
I look at him warily. “I love you but I can’t do this anymore.” I say as I continue to pack.
“I know, I need help. I will do anything to keep you from leaving me”
“Michael. I think we need time apart. You’ve got to find a way to get better on your own. You’ve got to do this for yourself.”
“I know but please stay.”
“I need to move out. I’ll arrange for a mover to take my things.” I say with resolve avoiding his eyes.
“I’m sorry” he says as he looks at the floor.
“You know I love you, but I can’t do this anymore. I just can’t”. I say as I walk over to him and hug him.
“I know”. He says as his voice trails off.
We hold each other tight for a while before we let go and look at each other. My heart goes out to him. I just want to hold him forever, but I know he will relapse into his own world. It’s best that we go our separate ways.
I pick up my suitcases and walk to the door.
“I’m leaving town for a while to help my sister, Julia. I think its best if we don’t communicate. I hope you find your way Michael, I really do.” A smile escapes my lips.
Michael and I are slowly making our way back into the comfort zone. It’s been a few weeks since we met at Stella’s after many months apart. We’ve been friendly with flirtatious moments, a kiss and a hug but nothing more. I wonder if we are just going to be friends. My body aches for his touch. I’m starting to fall for him again. It feels right this time. We are both in better places.
He calls me and asks me to dinner. I accept and he picks me up. Just like old times we click. We have a great time. It’s almost midnight when we get back. He walks me to my door. This time he lingers as I open the door to my apartment.
“Would you like to come in?” I ask.
He smiles and nods.
“Dinner was delicious” I say as I take off my shoes and put them in the closet. As I’m bending down, he comes over and put his arms around me.
“Michael” I say laughing.
“God you smell good” he says as he holds me close and rocks me as he kisses my neck. As we rock back and forth, he puts his arm around me and unbuttons my blouse. His hand slides underneath my bra and cups my breasts. I moan.
“God you feel so good” I whisper.
Kissing my neck he unzips my jeans and slides them off. I step out of them. Slipping his hand into my mound my lips quiver. He fingers his way and slides his finger on my clit and gently rubs it back and forth. I let out a moan as I sway back and forth, putting my arms around him. As my body responds, he rubs harder. My clit is now pulsating.
“Michael, I missed you. Fuck me please!” I cry. He stops and turns me around. I pull off his shirt in a frenzy. He cups my breasts and suckles them. Kissing each one, pulling, tugging, and arousing them until they are hard mounds. Unzipping his jeans I yank them off him. I push him down on the floor and get on top of him.
“You make me crazy” I say breathlessly. He smiles and we start kissing passionately. His cock is hard as I press my body against it. I kiss his neck, then his chest, inching ever so slowly down around his muscular abs. He lets out a moan as I touch his cock. I hold it in my hands and slowly open my mouth to engulf his powerful manhood. My tongue darts about, licking, sucking. I can hear him gasp.
He pulls me up and pushes me down onto the rug in front of the fireplace. Spreading my legs for him, he enters me, slowly at first as I guide him, then with each thrust he goes deeper and faster. Controlling, not letting himself come to fast. Giving me pleasure is his desire. Just a little bit longer…
After breaking up with Michael, I avoid him at all costs in the tiny town we live. Not an easy task, but I find a way to do it. We don’t speak for months until one evening I receive a text from him asking to meet for a drink. Is he drinking and he misses me? WTF? I know better, I should delete it and not respond, but I text back.
We meet at our old hang out, Stella’s. I make sure I’m looking drop dead gorgeous in a mini, sleeveless v cut top and heels accentuating my long legs. He’s already at the bar, sitting nervously. When he sees me he smiles, his black hair cut short and his blue eyes sparkling in the light. God he looks good. I smile back. He gets up and gives me a warm hug. Mmmm…He’s wearing Old Spice which I love. I breath him in…
We exchange pleasantries, chatting about nothing. “I hope you don’t mind but I ordered you a Riesling”. He says as he looks into my eyes.
“Thank you, you always knew what I liked.” I reply as I take a sip. Liked past tense but he still remembers… As the evening wears on we settle back into our comfortable selves. The nervousness is gone. We’re laughing and talking as though we never broke up. Its great to see him again. He hasn’t changed, his rugged good looks are still in tact.
He touches my hand and I look up.
“I miss you”he says quietly.
I look at him. “Is that why you texted me?”
“Yeah. I know I was a total ass to you. I was in a funk over the winter and I needed to be alone and be an island for a while. I’m sorry that I hurt you.”
So many things I want to say and not all good. I look at him and all I can say is “It’s okay. We both needed to be alone.”
All the pain and hurt seem to evaporate with those words: I’m sorry that I hurt you.
“What are you doing about your Bipolar?” I ask.
“I’m seeing a therapist on a weekly basis. She put me on the drug Lamictal, and it has really helped with my mood swings. I feel more even keeled.”
“What is it?”
“It’s used for epileptic seizures but also for mood swings for bipolar. For now I’m just on that but I might need to go on a cocktail of meds. We’ll see. I’m also working out everyday and writing. That’s the best part. I’m focused.”
“That’s great Michael, I’m really happy that you are getting help. I think that was the major reason why we fought.”
“I know. Self medicating on alcohol wasn’t good for me or for us. I’m always going to have this, but I wanted you to know that I’m trying to overcome it.”
I lean over and give him a hug. We hold each other. He feels good in my arms.
I give him a kiss on the cheek: “It’s going to be okay. You’re on the right track and you’re doing something pro-active. I respect you for that.”
“Thanks. I wanted you to know…” His voice trails off as he looks into my eyes.
His eyes are an intense blue green. I could swim in them. I look away.
“What time is it?” I ask
“It’s 11:05” He says.
“Wow we’ve been talking for over 3 hours? I have to go. Long day tomorrow Thank you for the drink.”
As we get up, I turn to him and say, “Its good to see you again Michael.”
He leans over and kisses me on the lips. He tastes good. His soft lips brushing against mine.
Finding the One and starting a family isn’t going to make you happy. It’s not going to give you the stability you crave because you didn’t have it growing up. You have to find it within yourself, first. You have to do it on your own. You have to love yourself before you give that love to someone else…If you want it to last.
It’s a rainy Sunday, close to noon and I have no desire to get out of bed. I’m going through the movies on Amazon Prime and come across Sex Lies and Videotape. I confess I’ve never seen it. I remember when it came out but never once watched it or even read about it. All these years and never once, but today is different.
I knew it had to do with infidelity and voyeurism, but I thought it would be soft porn, with lot of sex. The movie is interesting in how it portrays four lives: two sisters, a husband and long lost friend. How those lives come together in the search for truth. For those who haven’t watched it I won’t give away the end.
It’s melancholy, perfect for a rainy day. The music helps create this sense of sadness. It’s not action packed by any means, but you want to know what happens to them, how their lives change for the better or worse.
Single again I know I should enjoy my freedom of life alone but I’m bored so I jump on a dating site and window shop. I expand my search criteria to the maximum 500 miles. As I’m cruising through hundreds of profiles, I stop and look at one. He looks familiar. I know him, we exchanged pleasantries last January. He is a creative soul and very cute.
What the heck, I send him a quick note telling him that we chatted last year and I ask him how he’s doing. He replies back saying he does remember me and that he will be in my town on Saturday morning. He’s going on a 3 week vacation around the country visiting family via Amtrak.
I reply back with: “Stop in and say hi or at least wave to me. I’m just 10 minutes away.”
He writes: “I would love to see you. The train arrives at 7:45 am and stops for 15 minutes so I can get off and we can walk around. If you want you can ride with me on the train a ways.”
“I would love to meet you and ride the train with you. I’ll book it.” I reply back.
He gives me his email and phone number and for the next week we talk. We have a lot in common, we’re both photographers, love to travel and we’re both very creative. I believe in fate. Last year was the wrong time to meet but now he’s going through my town. Strangers meet on a train. I have a date with destiny.
Why is it that when lovers ask us to do things for them we do it without bitching, but when we ask lovers to do something for us they say yes then bitch and whine about it?
Last week I was put into a corner taking care of my horse who is injured. I needed help removing and putting new bandages on her leg. I called everyone, but no one could help me, so I text my X. He says, sure. I tell him that it needs to be done twice a week and he’s fine with that because he loves my horses. Relieved and anxiety ridden at the same time. The break up is still fresh. I don’t want to see him but he is good with my horses and I need help.
My quarter horse Locket was injured in a fight with another horse last month and was beaten up. Instead of paying the vet $150 per visit (I was already in the hole for $2500 in vet bills) she suggested I do it myself. She gives me sedation drugs to administer in the muscle in her neck.
I pick Michael up and we head to the barn. It takes 20 minutes to drive and we chat about nothing to pass the time. After I inject Locket with the sedation drug, we have to wait 30 minutes for it to kick in. We go see the other horses in the mean time. We are our old selves laughing enjoying each other’s company. He loves them and its good to see him smile.
After 30 minutes we go back to Locket who is a pill. Michael holds her and I try in vain to clean her wound on her hind leg but she wants nothing to do with it. You would never know she’s sedated. She kicks and nearly misses me. Finally I have to get help.
What should have taken us an hour to re-bandage takes us two hours. I need to get more supplies and Michael suggests that we go and get them on the way back. I thank him for helping me. He says no problem.
The third time I pick him up he’s in a bitchy mood. He’s getting sick again and is miserable. He complains about how long it takes to bandage her. I listen and try to explain but he still bitches. He should have told me that he can’t help me. I would have understood.
My blood is starting to boil and I do everything to stop blurting our that he’s a full blown Dick. Never mind Locket being a drama queen now my X is one as well. Serenity Now! I try to remain calm. I want to tell him to go fuck himself that he is being a narcissist but I don’t. I need him to help me today.
When we get to the barn, it takes longer than usual because the drug is not working and Locket senses our edginess. She’s a Freak! I have no patience and again I have to get someone else to help us. Michael is rolling his eyes.
Thoughts run through my mind. When Michael went away for a week he asked me to take care of his cat. I did. Everyday I drove 30 minutes through inclement weather to feed and care for his beloved cat. Did I complain when I was feeling lousy? No!
When he had a minor operation done and needed help getting back from the doctors office, he asked if I could help him. I said yes. I had to wait 4 hours in the waiting room because it was taking longer than expected. Did I complain to him about it? No! I didn’t. I never complained. I did it because he is a friend and that’s what friends do for each other. They help each other.
Why does he feel the need to bitch to me about helping me when he offered to help? I don’t understand it! He should have said no. That two letter word NO would have been so much easier to say.
Breaking up with someone you care about is bad enough but when that break up happens in a small town it’s excruciating. All the places you frequented together now are off limits. Running into your ex must be avoided at all costs. The thought of seeing him or her especially with someone else would be too painful.
Last week I was going to the bank and as I pulled into the parking lot I saw Michael’s car. I continued past and drove around the block, my heart racing. Parking my car on a side street I walk a few blocks to do another errand, I can’t bare running into him so soon.
My girlfriend wants me to go and have drinks at the Sunset Grill. I tell her I can’t go there because that’s where he works. You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him drink-that’s my motto now. I refuse to go in. I avoid driving by his house which is on Main Street and drive a less convenient way. The only place I will go to, is the gym, but I go at times I know he won’t be there.
Even though I moved here before knowing him, I feel like the stalker. Is it because he broke up with me? Does the breaker upper always have the upper hand? Even though subconsciously I broke up with him first he consciously broke up with me, hence that’s the difference. How long will I avoid him? As long as I can. I’m still licking my wounds, my ego is bruised. I know eventually I will run into him, but for now I will try my best to steer clear of him.
My lover who suffers from bipolar and holiday blues can’t deal with anyone’s drama so he ended our relationship. He’s going to be an island for a while. I told him I would not visit his island. We left it on good terms, but I still feel resentful to the way he ended it. He does not know that though, my girlfriends on the other hand do, since I vent to them.
He was fantastic in November which I call Sweet November. Only one time was he a prick and he text me the next day apologizing for his behavior. I know he warned me about his holiday blues, but I was not prepared for the depth of his moodiness and withdrawal into his own world. He was a full blown dick in December except when he was with me and my horses. He was so gentle with them, it melted my heart. Why couldn’t he be that way with me?
I was willing to forgive him for being a prick because I knew somewhere deep inside there was a kind, fun soul. I was hoping that in January we could wipe the slate clean and start over. He withdrew even further after the New Year to a place I could not reach.
Apparently he could not forgive me for trashing his porch when I was irrationally drunk thinking that he was having sex with my friend. I had a full blown anxiety attack. In retrospect I should not have asked him if he wanted to fuck my girlfriend and he should never have said yes. That was our downfall. Funny I could forgive his grizzly bear persona but he could not forgive mine.
Even though he was my lover/activity partner which meant no commitment I was jealous. I realized I liked him more than a friend and I do not play fair with other women in my sandbox. FWB’s do not work, it’s a lie. If we were in a committed relationship I would be secure knowing he wanted only me, but that was not to be.
I recently left New England and drove cross country to end an 11 year on and off again volatile relationship with Alex. My reasoning: I can’t go over to his house with this much distance between us. He was passive aggressive with Bipolar tendencies and we fought constantly: Leo’s and Scorpio’s do not mix. We loved and hated each other, but the make up sex was great. Maybe that’s why we kept on going back.
I should never have become involved so quickly with Michael. I should have let myself heal before I became involved with another man. I told him the first day we met that we would be platonic friends. I caved that night when he looked deep into my soul with his blue eyes. I should have known. I should have run. Should of, would of, could of…
The world of dating is filled with mixed signals especially when it comes to what people say, do or not do. We end up reading between the lines and sometimes those lines are blurred. When it comes to texting our interpretations are based on insecurities. That’s why one has to put smiley faces at the end of the sentences so the other person understands what is being implied.
When I text and say; “I hope you have a great 2016 and I hope you find what and who you are looking for…” Does that mean I’m breaking up with the other person? What does the receiving party think? Could it simply mean; I hope you find happiness? Is there always a double meaning?
Since we now do a majority of communication via texting instead of using our voices, our rate of error to what the other person means jumps 200%. When I ask if I can pick up my map book and bandana does that mean I’m cutting ties with you?
I need my map book to understand the area so I don’t get lost. I need my bandana to keep me warm. That’s all, it’s not a sign we are breaking up. But when you then drop the items off in a bag on my door step without a note or a call, it’s a little unnerving. When I peek inside and I see that you included my toothbrush which I left at your house when I sleep over what do you think my reaction will be?
I didn’t ask for that toothbrush back. What are you trying to tell me? Are you breaking up with me? Giving a toothbrush back is a statement and not a good one. Negative connotations ring through one’s head.
It reminds me of the episodes on Sex & The City when Big drops off items that Carrie left at his apartment and when Berger breaks up with Carrie on a Post-It. What kind of communication is that?
Talking to girlfriends is our best defense. They always know the right words to say. My friend Alise who has the manic depressed boyfriend told me to text Michael the following;
“Thanks for dropping off my stuff. I noticed you also gave me back my toothbrush…Should I read anything into this?…Are we still good? Are you ok?”
I click send. An hour goes by and nothing. Finally I’m talking to my other girlfriend on the phone and Michael plays his turn on WordFeud, but no answer to my text. Hmmm… A few minutes later he texts back:
“Sorry I just need some time on my own for a while to figure things out and get into a routine. I can’t deal with anyone else’s drama except for my own. I’m going to be an island for the month of January. Thanks for understanding.”
I wait a few minutes, gathering my thoughts and reply back:
“I’m going to get some help with my anxiety attacks and go on meds for them. I’m freaking out as well with my horse, finances, sister having cancer. I just left a volatile relationship of 11 years so I got issues as well. I hope you know that I have good qualities that outweigh the bad. You are a great guy. I won’t go to your island. I hope we can start anew in the Spring when we are in better places…Take care.”
His last response to me: “Cool thanks. I think you are very talented and smart. I just need to take care of myself for a while.”
I read it. Finally, a form of communication that I understand.
I know that I’ve been negative about my lover in my recent blogs but all in all he is a good person who is as troubled as I am. So in all fairness I have put a positive spin on What I love about him:
He’s kind and sweet
He makes me tea when he drinks coffee
He loves animals
He loves my horses, he’ll do anything for them.
He loves to ride with me even though he ends up with blue balls
He’s a fantastic lover
He’s a wonderful cook
He’s creative (can that boy play the guitar and piano)
He has an awesome voice, I could listen to it for hours
He has the bluest eyes which look deep into my soul
He’s very handsome
He has a great smile which melts my heart
He loves the outdoors
We both ran away to this beautiful place we now call home (Island of Misfit Toys)
It’s amazing: He loves Donald Trump and thinks he’ll be our next President and I can’t stand Donald Trump, I’m rooting for Bernie Sanders. Even with our Political differences we still get along. Imagine that?
I’m middle of the road with liberal tendencies and he’s Ultra Conservative and we agree to disagree. Something must be in the air!
I know deep down that Michael would never hurt me. It’s my insecurities, jealousy and lack of trust which ruined the evening. It put a strain on my relationship with him. If I could take back what I said and did I would but I can’t. I’m full of regrets and sadness. My past still haunts me and I must come to terms with it if I ever want to start anew.
The movies War of the Roses and Kramer vs Kramer had nothing on my parents divorce which lasted 10 years; 1974-1984. My father gained custody of all his children but it was a bitter fight to the end.
After threatening to kill the Judge my mother was sentenced to 90 days at McLean Hospital in Belmont, MA. It was there that she was diagnosed as Manic Depressive with Paranoia Schizophrenia. I remember visiting her and it scared me. It was right out of One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest. She was very religious and she believed God was telling her what to do. My father’s womanizing ways did not help the situation and my sisters and I were caught in the cross fire.
It only ended in 1984, because my mom killed herself. We were in the middle of another court case. I remember the call from my youngest sister. I was living in Fort Lauderdale and I was at work. After she told me I felt relieved. I hated my mother for what she did to our family. It was finally over, but it was never truly over. Memories fade but the emotional scars still run deep.
Over the years I’ve punished myself through feelings of inadequacies. Thoughts that I was going to end up like my mom haunted all of us. I was never good enough. Relationships suffered. After 9 years together I wanted marriage and children so I gave Alex an ultimatum: Marriage or goodbye. He chose marriage but I always felt he married me not because he loved me but because he didn’t want to lose me.
Over the years I had panic attacks and was put on Paxil. In 2003 I was pregnant and had to go off it, because they were afraid that it would hurt the baby. The panic attacks came back in full force. I was terrified that I was going to have a child attached to me forever and I could not escape. I remember becoming hysterical telling my husband that I couldn’t have a child. I wanted an abortion.
Finally the panic attacks subsided and I started to adjust to having a family. At 12 weeks we went in for the ultra sound. We were excited. We had names picked out, Julia Morgan if it was a girl and Joshua Morgan if it was a boy. I was secretly hoping for a girl, but there was no heart beat. I ended up getting a DNC and the doctor asked if we wanted to know the sex of the baby, we did, it was a girl.
I was racked with guilt, it was my fault that she died. It was my paranoia that killed her. We never ended up trying for more children and a year later I left him. Those feelings are still with me I never forgave myself for losing my child.
In 2004 I couldn’t handle these feelings anymore and I end up leaving my husband for a man who was passive aggressive. We were together on and off for 11 years. He was my drug of choice. The highs were euphoria but coming off the high was torture. Why did I stay so long? Because I connected with him. I felt safe with him. He shared my father’s birthday. He was a builder and I was a designer. We loved each other but drove each other nuts and I had to move across the country to leave him.
I punish myself for everything. I stay in bad relationships hoping it will get better. I punish myself for staying to long, or not staying long enough, for running. I know I need to stop this. I thought I was handling it until that night with Michael. But I know I need professional help to find my way back.
Michael’s Holiday blues are getting me down amongst other things. I introduced him to my girl friend a few weeks ago and all he does is talk about how hot she is. I finally ask him if he would fuck her. I don’t know why I ask but my insecurities are up to no good. He hesitates for a moment and then says: “Yes.” I casually ask: “Do I have anything to worry about?” He says: “No.”
Well, that did not go over as I thought. Hmmm… My friend Jessica says she will never hurt me and has no desire to go after Michael, but that doesn’t solve my jealousy. I remember a line once: “If you can’t handle the truth, don’t go looking for it.” I should have never asked him that question.
But the truth is out. Wow! They are now friends who, call each other and hang out together without me. Does that bother me? Hell yeah! I’m a Scorpio who has a jealous streak when I’m insecure. And now, I’m insecure.
One thing after another and I’m about to lose it. I try to remain calm. Leaving me at the gym’s party weighs heavily on my mind as well as him wanting to fuck her. Even though I forgave him, I haven’t forgotten the feeling of abandonment by the one I care about.
A week later, Jessica and I are going to the Town Holiday Stroll and I invite Michael. We drink a large bottle of Champagne at his house before heading out. We are feeling good yet something is bothering me-insecurities. We walk around town and then head into a bar. I tell them I’m going to check things out and I’ll be right back. I walk about 20 feet then turn around and they’re gone. I look in the bar area but don’t see them. I then go outside and look up and down the street. I’m about to text them when I realize that I don’t have my phone and we don’t have an If you get lost situation. Ugh!
He left me again! They couldn’t even wait 30 seconds for me to come back? I’m psst. I walk back to Michael’s. I’m cold, drunk, and tired. I try the backdoor but it’s locked. My jealousy raises its ugly head. All I can think is that they are cozied up together at a bar somewhere without me.
I’m beyond mad. I’m irrational and now I’m in the midst of a full blown anxiety attack. I’m so angry that I want to throw something. I see his trash and I tear the bags open and throw them everywhere on his back porch.
I know it’s wrong but I can’t help myself. There’s some pillows on the floor and I lie down in the fetal position to keep warm. Jessica is a White Light, a Medium. Why doesn’t she know where I am and what I’m feeling? Why don’t they come back to his house? I came back why couldn’t they?
After what seemed like hours I finally peel myself off the floor. I don’t know what time it is but it’s late and I walk back into town. Finally I see them walking towards me, laughing. Michael says; “There you are!” Being cool is not my forte and I rip into them. I yell at the top of my lungs accusing them of sleeping together. I call her a Cunt and swear at him for leaving me again.
I then turn around and run back to his house and wait for them to come home and I yell at them some more for leaving me. Jessica storms out as I grab my keys and I jump into my car. As I turn the corner I realize that I left my phone at his house so I force myself to turn around. We have another fight and he says: “I’m so mad at you for embarrassing me”.
I yell back: “WTF! You couldn’t even wait one minute for me? What is so wrong for waiting for me?”
He just looks at me and says: “You’re a lot like me.” I glare at him. Our second fight and it’s not even a month that we are together. His careless attitude makes me cringe. I realize he’s right we are very alike, we both have anger issues. He tells me to stay. My rage dissipates and I turn into this little girl that just wants to be held.
We talk in a civilized tone. I apologize and clean up the mess I made. I end up staying the night and we have make up sex. Lying in bed, I ask him what he’s looking for and he says a family, he wants to have children. A bipolar with father issues wanting children when he can’t stand them? Hmmm…I don’t want children. All I want is to be loved by someone I love.
At 6am I awake. I can’t breath and I need to leave. I get up, put on my clothes, kiss him goodbye as he sleeps and quietly leave. He texts me later: “Wow u really did cause some mayhem by the back door last night. Weird thing is I still wanted to wake up and have sex but u were gone.” I reply back: “It’s the Scorpio in me. I did clean it up. I kissed you goodbye.”
We are in different places. We have no future…Just the present if we can get through the Holidays.
I recently moved to a small northwestern town in the Rocky Mountains. I live in a 400 sf loft condo near the top of a ski mountain 4500 feet above sea level. I’m far away from my friends and family. My new lover has the Holiday Blues and does not want my company. My girlfriend doesn’t want to make the journey up the treacherous mountain road to see me nor do I want to drive down, so I’m alone for Christmas.
The day before I drop off Christmas presents to Michael. I make the effort to make something for him. I enlarge a photo he loves and frame it along with a calendar of my travel pictures. He meets me at the door but doesn’t invite me in. I hand him his presents and he says thank you. We chat for a few minutes then he reaches for something which I think is a present, but it’s a white cotton pad for my injured horse.
That’s my gift? That’s it? He couldn’t even be bothered to get me a card? I’m annoyed. After everything I’ve done for him he gives me zilch, zero, zippo, notta, nothing. So he has the holiday blues? So what! I kiss him, say Merry Christmas and leave. I’m annoyed.
At first I resent him for being a jerk but now that it’s Christmas, I’m trying to make the best of it. I’m not going to let him ruin my Christmas. Just because I’m alone doesn’t mean I am lonely. Granted it would be nice to be with someone I care about, but that’s not meant to be.
It’s all a state of mind, I tell myself. I can be miserable or I can make the best of it. Society tells us that we must be with people during the Holidays. We must buy tons of non wanted presents and spend money for people who don’t appreciate us. I nix that idea and do it my way.
It’s snowing and white Christmas is upon me. Instead of being miserable I decide to enjoy my down time. I make a list of all the positive things about being alone on Christmas:
I get to watch all my favorite Christmas shows without being interrupted.
I don’t have to shhhh anyone.
I don’t have to hear snide remarks from others about what I’m watching such as A Year Without A Santa Claus-now that’s a great show.
I get to make desserts and lick all the spoons and bowls without having to share with others.
I can be in my pajamas all day or run around naked.
I don’t have to clean 6 inches of snow off my car and drive down the snowy mountain road holding my breath.
I can listen to any music I want without being criticized for my selection.
I can sing at the top of my lungs off key and no one judges me
I can eat what and when I want since there is no set agenda.
I can make my own fire in the wood stove and curl up on the couch without sharing it with anyone.
I can make a mess and not worry about cleaning it up for guests
I can call all my friends and family without being rude to guests
I can dance like Elaine from Seinfeld without being ridiculed
I don’t have to visit people and make small talk with strangers
Did I miss anything? Probably, but there’s always next year. So for all those who spent Christmas alone, I salute you even the Scrooges out there. Hah you didn’t ruin my Christmas! Bah Humbug!
There’s a Christmas party at our gym and Michael who is Bipolar and has the Holiday Blues wants to go. Free food and drinks how can one pass that up? We plan on playing racquetball then go to the party.
I pick him up at 4:30 he’s in his gym clothes. I want to say: “Is that what you are wearing to the party?” But I don’t dare since he would think I’m criticizing him as his father always does. I bite my tongue and say nothing.
We arrive at the gym but the parking lot is full and we have to park on the street. We walk in but find that the courts are filled with tables of food. I look at Michael and say: “Since we are here why don’t we just work out and then join the party?”
He rolls his eyes. I see that he’s not happy. I smile at him as I turn and go into the women’s locker room. A few minutes later I come out but can’t find him. I realize I left my phone in the car so I can’t text him. I then decide not to work out so I shower and dress and walk towards the party. Wendy the membership director comes up to me and gives me a note.
It reads, “J – I’m in a shitty mood. I’m walking home. – Michael. I fold it and put it in my pocket. I’m psst. Wendy says: “Even though he left why don’t you come and join the festivities.” I smile and walk away.
He fucking left me at the party he wanted to go to. He couldn’t even wait for me? He couldn’t call my name over the loud speaker? He couldn’t have someone come and get me in the women’s locker room?
I’m too angry to stay. I hate being left. It’s a pet peeve of mine. How dare he! I pack up my stuff and walk to the car. When I’m furious I either scream and yell or become silent. I choose the latter.
Once in my car I look at my phone and see a text from him: “Sorry I had to leave the gym. I was freaked out by all the people and how underdressed and unmotivated to work out I felt.” I ignore it.
I click the Resign button on WordFued that I play with him. He promptly texts back: “Why did you resign?” I still don’t respond. He texts again: !!!! Sorry I just sort of freaked out because there were so many people around and couldn’t find you and didn’t have my phone. Sorry!!!!
After driving around to clear my head, I pull into a parking lot and finally text back: “I’m psst. In the future if you want me in your life you won’t do that again. I hate being left especially by someone I really like. Whatever!”
“Sorry i totally schized out.” He writes.
“You knew there was a party. Whatever. I will leave you alone.”
“Just tonight. Or you can come hang out. I just freaked out standing in the lobby alone. I walked through the gym twice but kept coming back to the lobby and it was crowded but they weren’t serving drinks yet.”
“I didn’t work out just showered and look hot. I guess I’ll go to a bar and have a few drinks. Enjoy.” I text back.
“Ok sorry i totally bailed. U can Come here if you want to.
“I’m to hurt to stop by. Ttyl.
I’m too angry to go to a bar and decide to head home. What am I getting myself into? He hates the Holidays which I love, he’s Bipolar and he has panic attacks. UGH!!!!!
I really like him, I’m drawn to him. When he’s not self absorbed he’s a great guy. He makes me feel alive. As Carrie from Sex & The City said about Big: “I’m addicted to the pain.” That sums it up. Apparently I’m attracted to the Bigs of the world, men who leave. I think it’s stems from my childhood.
My mother and father had a very volatile relationship. We grew up with the police coming to our door and being driven to school in police cars. The fighting, the screaming matches between two people who once loved each other was so hard to bare.
I remember my father finally having enough and leaving his four girls with our disturbed mother. She had horrible mood swings and either lashed out at us emotionally or disappeared into her own world.
At the age of nine I packed my belongings into a little grey oval suitcase and walked to his apartment which was a mile away. I wanted to live with my dad. I couldn’t deal living with my mother any longer. I was daddy’s little girl.
Through the years my father gained custody of me and my three sisters, but it was a 10 year battle of constant unrest. I still carry the battle scars from the war.
I do understand Michael’s predicament but that doesn’t make it any easier. The feelings of being left by my emotionally unstable mother and physically by my father still haunts me. The memories are all too real.
As I drag myself into my apartment I pour myself a glass of wine and head to bed. Feeling blue and not being able to sleep I watch Oklahoma with Shirley Jones. I don’t know if it’s the movie, or the wine but I don’t want to be angry with Michael anymore.
I text him: “I’m done being mad at you. I forgive you for being a shit. I’m heading up to the mountains tomorrow”
He texts back: “Ok I will clean my house. Sorry I Totally fucked you over at the party. The mountains will be nice.”
I might have forgiven him but I haven’t forgotten. I am a Scorpio and we don’t forgive easily. Trust is earned it’s not given. I hope he understands that.
After a week of being together, Michael informs me he hates the Holidays which are right around the corner and that he is Manic Bipolar. Double whammy. I almost drive off the road.
As I compose myself, I try to lighten the mood and say with a smile; “Oh so you are Eor and Tigger from Winnie the Pooh?”
“Yeah that sums me up perfectly, that’s a perfect analogy.” He says as we both laugh.
My thoughts are far different then what I speak. Ove! Why do I fall for the Van Gogh’s, the troubled souls? Is it because they make life interesting? Is it my past that draws me to these men? My dad who I loved dearly was a womanizer and my mom was mentally ill. Is history repeating itself? Will I always find comfort in men who are incapable of loving just one woman? Am I destined to follow in my parents footsteps?
I really like Michael. He’s kind and sweet, well, when he’s not self absorbed in his own bullshit. He loves my horses. He’s so gentle with them. We both have similar backgrounds. He adores his mom but has a love/hate relationship with his father. I loved my dad but had a bad relationship with my mom. We grew up in upper middle class. We love the outdoors and animals. We love sex, the more we get the more we want. We are both intense and emotional. We are both loners. He’s a Cancer and I’m a Scorpio, according to the Horoscope charts we have one of the best relationships.
We have our differences though: He’s a right wing conservative and I’m more middle of the road liberal. But we respect each other’s opinion even when we spar. He loves talk radio and I love music (even though his passion is the piano). He has gigantic mood swings, while I wear my heart on my sleeve (most of the time).
I love his spirit. I empathize with him. I am connected to his soul. I feel his pain, his passion, his intensity, but does he feel mine? Will we survive, unscathed?
As the holidays are in full swing we are inundated with social activities, holiday music which starts before Thanksgiving, marketing gimmicks 24/7, and food galore. This is one of our favorite times of the year, a time to be with the one’s we love, but to others, it’s a time of great sadness.
My lover is in a full blown Holiday blues depression. He’s like Greta Garbo, whose famous line was: “I want to be left alone.” He has shut himself away from the world and it breaks my heart that I can’t reach him.
For the past four years, my friend Alise has been in a relationship with Justin who has severe anxiety and depression. I remember the countless calls as she cried over her predicament. I listened as she vented and gave her advice. It’s been a very rocky road but they have come a long way and now are living together. She stuck it out even though many times she thought about leaving. Her love for him kept her grounded.
I couldn’t understand why she stayed until now, now that I’m in the same leaking boat. I want to have fun and enjoy the holidays with him. He did drag himself out with me and his friends to cut down Christmas trees, so why can’t he be festive?
Am I being selfish to want to spend the holidays with him? I’m trying to understand where he’s coming from. I had a horrible childhood as well, but I do remember enjoying the Holidays. It’s taken me years to forgive my Mom but I’ve forgiven her, why can’t he forgive his Dad?
He’s in a new town, a new state, starting a new life with people who adore him, why can’t he let go of his past and forgive? Why does he let those who’ve hurt him win?
I’m done with the online dating scene. I can’t take anymore undesirable men hounding me. I miss the old fashion way where I actually meet someone skiing, or at the grocery store, or at the gym.
I recently joined a gym which has racquetball, but I have no one to play with so I ask the membership director to put the word out for me. A few days later she tells me about a guy who is looking to play. She gives me his number but he beats me to it. He calls me first and we set up a time to play.
I’m expecting him to be a 300 pound old gorilla but I’m in for a surprise. As I walk towards the court a really hot dude with a chiseled body and a big smile walks towards me. His blue eyes twinkle as he says my name.
I smile back and we introduce each other. We chat. He tells me he just moved up here and is looking to learn how to play. I tell him that he came to the right place since I’ve been playing on and off for 30 years. We laugh.
We play and he’s very good for a beginner. I teach him the rules and show him the different serves. I’m his teacher. We flirt. There is chemistry but I didn’t come here to fall for someone. I tell him we’ll be great friends. He looks at me and cocks his head and says ok, friends.
After we play, he says: “Let’s grab a drink sometime.” I say, “Ok”. I text him from the women’s locker. “How about after the gym for a drink?” He texts back “Yes”. What’s the harm since we’re going to be friends? But how can I be friends with someone I’m sexually attracted too?
We meet for a drink and I find out he’s 11 years younger than me. Some people would call me a Cougar since he’s in a different decade than me. But he’s just a friend. We have a lot in common and have a great time.
I find out he cyber stalked me so that’s how he knew who I was. I told him I tried to look him up but only found a silly picture of him which did not do him justice. We laugh and I put my hand on his shoulder. I know he’s attracted to me as well. Hmmm…
I follow him back to his house and we kiss for a few minutes. Finally I gently nudge him and tell him I have to go. We kiss goodnight and I leave. He watches me go. Part of me wants to stay but part of me needs to leave. I remind myself that we are just friends.
What am I doing? I recently left someone I care about back in New England-a FWB of 11 years and I’m not looking to get involved. I need to concentrate on work. I can’t start a relationship when I’m trying to get my life together. I remind myself we are just friends. Ugh!
So I come up with a name for us aka a label. We are Activity Partners. Yes, that sounds so much better than a FWB even though it’s the same thing. We’re not dating, we are not seeing each other, we’re not exclusive. We are just two people who enjoy each other’s company and love sex. End of story.
As the weeks progress, we hang out, hike, play racquetball and have amazing sex. I admit I do like him a lot. He has almost all the qualities I’m looking for in a man. I call him an ISEC: Intelligent, Sexual, Eye Candy but I can’t want more than that. I can’t let myself feel. I don’t want to be hurt again. I don’t want to be rejected. My walls are up.
From previous experiences FWB’s don’t work, someone always likes the other person more. And someone always ends up getting hurt. FWB is just a fantasy, which I seem to be in again.
My male friend who called me a MILF commented on girls night out as women on the prowl. Just because I’m going out with my girlfriend doesn’t mean I’m out to find men. I like to go out for the social aspect, a change of scenery. Yes, I like to look at good looking men, and I might even talk to them, but that doesn’t mean that I want to sleep with them.
If men go out to bars are they on the prowl or the hunt for women? Are they looking for that one night stand? Or are they just grabbing a few drinks and hanging out with their friends?
Why the double standard? Why are women labeled as Cougars on the prowl while men have free rein to do what they please without prejudice?
A male friend of mine recently called me a MILF. I had to think about what that meant. I asked a girl friend who clued me in. She said it’s Moms I’d Like to Fuck. Hmmm. Well, I’m not a Mom so technically I can’t be called one. I don’t care for that term.
This got me thinking about what boys or men think of older sexy women. Women who date younger men are called a variety of terms; Cougar, MLF, MILF, slut, whore, promiscuous, Wild Child, to name a few.
What are men called if they date younger women? Playboys, Gigelos? Are men sluts, whores, Wild Childs, or are they promiscuous? How about if we call them FLF (Fathers who Like to Fuck) or FILF (Fathers I’d Like to Fuck)? Let’s level the playing field when it comes to labels.
The last saw time I saw Big M was a little over 2 months ago. I was heading back East. Even though the last day we had a huge blow out we managed to remain friends. Over the months we texted, used our vocal chords and Facebook IM. I still care for him and love him, even though he drives me crazy. I realize that no matter how I try to help him, if he won’t help himself get out of the mess he got himself into, no one can help him.
He calls me and tells he loves me and that I was the only one who was there for him when he needed help. He says he couldn’t have done it without me. I tell him that I love him and that I will always be there for him. He tells me he’s grateful that I’m in his life. His last words to me on the phone: “I Love you”…
On July 27, 2015, he sends me a few pictures of himself working on the dude ranch in Montana. One of the pictures has a bandana over his mouth. I reply back; “Are you an outlaw now?” He replies back “Lol..yes.mami.am.” He sends me another picture of himself wearing a cowboy hat and sunglasses in the barn. I text him: “Not a bandit? Just a cool cowboy made in the shade”.
That night I sext him and say: “So are you gonna fuck me again?” He sends back a picture of himself in his van and writes: “I might do just that :)”
That was our last IM conversation. The next day I went on to Facebook to message him but his profile was gone. I couldn’t find him anywhere. So I click on to my business Facebook page and try to find him. His Facebook page is there. Dumbfounded, I realize he blocked me. No warning. Nothing. I text him asking him why he unfriended me and blocked me on Facebook?
I text him again: “WTF M? Don’t I deserve an explanation? Why you blocked me on Facebook? After everything I’ve done for you? Wow!”
“You don’t even respond?”
“When I asked you if you are going to fuck me again this isn’t the fuck I meant.”
He went ghost town on me. I don’t understand. I’m sick to my stomach. I rack my brains trying to figure out what I did but I don’t know. He’s ceases all communication with me. I finally break down and call his sister who’ve I’ve met and hung out with. She tells me it’s because I was talking to one of his friends on Facebook. What? First off I don’t talk to his friends, I just hit the Like button and comment on Big M’s stuff.
What are we in grade school? Second if I was talking to a Friend, why didn’t he have the balls to come to me and talk to me about it before cutting ties with me? He’s 57 years old. What a fuckin’ child!
Wow! After everything that I did for him. I paid for his SAG membership for a year. I paid his IRS penalties, I paid for 6 months of storage, I paid bills that he needed too pay. He didn’t put a gun to my head, but he talked endlessly about his financial troubles and I finally broke down and helped him. I had money from my inheritance and he knew that. I paid over $2500 towards his bills and if I add up all the dinners, entertainment, and hotels, that I paid for, that’s easily another $2000 that I spent on him. He also asked me to put $200 in to his checking account because he was in the red again, which I sheepishly did when I was on the road in Oregon.
He gave me his Stella guitar as collateral until he pays me back. He said it’s worth at least $500. Well, I looked online, it’s worth more like $50 in the condition it’s in. Apparently he just added a zero to it. I’ve been had!
My friend who was conned out of money on an online dating site says he’s a scam artist preying on innocent women. I didn’t believe it at first but the more I thought about it the more I realized she’s right.
Red flags: The warning signs:
Lie: He told me he was living in between apartments and living with a friend. Truth: He was living in his Van. I didn’t learn the truth until after I drove 17 hours to meet him.
Lie: He’s waiting for a call back on a commercial that’s why he can’t come up to Oregon to meet me. Truth: He has no money, no job, no home. He’s broke! That’s why he can’t come up to Oregon to see me. FYI: I did research him on the internet before I met him and he was legitimate as a Stuntman in Hollywood movies.
Lie: According to him his recent X he lived with was evil and treated him like shit and cheated on him Truth: After 2 months of dating (he met her online) they moved in together. She won a lawsuit and had money, but when her money dwindled he left her.
His money issues. Spending money on stuff he didn’t need, but ignoring his bills.
Blaming everyone for his problems except himself.
When he told me he lived in his friends back yard in a self made tarp tent for 6 months because he had no money and no job. He couldn’t even get a real tent or work? Hmmm…
When he told me his friends are sick of his problems and don’t want to deal with him anymore.
His sister telling me that he has always been this way: no control over money, depression, manic, only out for himself.
Before he blocked me, he texted me: “He’s leaving the ranch end of July to go back to the LA area to care for a Dear Friend who’s in a car accident on her way to see him. Her friend died & she was in a coma for 2 weeks. He’s going to help her walk again. She’s going to pay him $3,000 / month to take care of her and he will live there.” Apparently this was a lie as well.
I thought by being in his life I could help him get back on his feet. I should have run at the first sign but I wanted to stand firm since I’ve always run in the past. Now I see. He has another Sugar Mama to care for him. Within 2 weeks of disappearing his new girl friend contacted me and told me they were in love and he was living with her. She was also buying him a house near his sisters in Montana. WOW!
He doesn’t need me anymore. Am I angry? You bet. I’m floored. I wonder how many other women he’s done this too? Double dipping for months…Come to find out his new girl friend had an elaborate hoax saying that she was marrying Mark Calaway “The Undertaker”. She even changed her name on Facebook and other internet sites. In 2014 she created rumors that she was Barry Gibbs new love interest. How fucking sick is she for creating such lies?
Telling me he loves me? Is that a lie too? Truth: He never did he just used me and when he found someone else who had supposedly more money he dropped me.
Love is blind. I know I will never see the money again. But the worse part is how he went about cutting me out of his life in one fell swoop.
Lessons be learned. Mark my words: Don’t turn a blind eye when your gut is telling you to run.