After saying goodbye to Big M, I head to see my sister and husband in LA before my long drive back to Bend, Oregon. When one is in a car for hours the mind starts to wander. I think about the fun times; riding with him on the back of his motorcycle and getting off from the vibrations, giving him a blow job up in Palos Verdes Estates overlooking the ocean under the stars, and how he makes me so wet. The sex, even though he has issues he’s a wonderful attentive lover. We have a lot of fun and there is a lot of laughter.
But then there are dark moments that overshadow the sun. The day we met he hurt his neck and he was in agonizing pain which drove him to his knees. Then I think about all his emotional and financial baggage. My life has mirrored his and it scares me that I could end up like him, the man who lives in the van. Maybe that’s why we fight. He knows he has to straighten out his life before he can be in a solid relationship and I know that too. The Yin and the Yang. Drama is a constant in my life and I didn’t even take it in school. Oye.
We are apart for a month while I continue with my road trip. The following month we are meeting up again in Montana for 10 days at the dude ranch where he’s working as a wrangler. While we are apart we text/sext/IM almost every day.
Big M: miss u xoxo
Me: What part do you miss?
Big M: The wet juicy part..
Me: You always make me cum…
Big M: Yea and I gave you lots of cream..
Me: We all scream for ice-cream…Yum…LOL!
Big M: What cha doing darlin..Jacked off twice today…freekin horny today..he he xoxoxo
Me: Good boy, wish I was with you to lend a hand…
Big M: Hmm. I’m getting horny again.
Me: I can remedy that.
Big M: I want your tight.little juice box between your legs.
Me: I’m open for business cum on in…
Big M and I are in bed after making love, I look at the clock and it’s 10:15am, check out is 11am. We kiss and get out of bed and head for the shower. Our first and our last shower together for a long time. He lathers me up and washes me carefully and I do the same for him. We fuck one last time with the water pouring over us, so hot and erotic.
We jump out of the shower, and get ready. Looking around making sure we didn’t leave anything and we walk hand in hand out the door. There is a line at check out and I can see that he’s edgy. He says he has to meet his friend at the unemployment office at 11:30. I tell him to go. He pulls me close and passionately kisses me and walks away. I watch him disappear.
I check out and head for the car. As I’m about to leave, I see that he is calling my cell. I pick up and he’s frantic. Apparently he just got stopped for driving 76 mph in a 35 mph speed limit zone, which is serious business. WTF is wrong with this dude? Does he just like to piss away money he doesn’t have? I tell him to calm down and don’t argue with the cop. He says he’s got to go because the cop is coming back.
The queasy feeling is back in my stomach. This dude is on a self-destructive road and it breaks my heart. I wait in the garage as the minutes tick by. Finally he calls back and tells me the cop was nice enough not to impound his motorcycle or arrest him. He did receive a $275 speeding ticket. I tell him that I put $250 American Express Traveler Cheques in his motorcycle bag yesterday, so that should help him. He thanks me for putting up with him and being with him through this horrible time in his life. He is so upset and I just listen. He has a good heart but he’s a mess. He tells me he loves me and I tell him I love him too. The last words to me are: I will see you in Montana. I laugh and say goodbye.
I’m torn. I know I can’t stay but I’m worried about him. I wish I could help him but he has to do this on his own-get himself out of this financial mess. If I stayed I would be giving up my dream of traveling and finishing my 6 month solo road trip. Meeting Mark was an interesting experience. I had the time and the money, so what the hell. He is part of my life now and I will always remember him as the man who lives in the van.
I wake up on the day that I’m leaving for Bend Oregon, my eyes are puffy from crying. I think back to the previous days events of the fight, Big M leaving me, walking out of my life. I know he’s wrong for me, but for the last 2 weeks we were together 24/7. I’ve come to really care for him. He’s a down and out Actor/Stuntman living in a van with so much potential if he could just get one more commercial…
I roll over and his smell still lingers on the pillow. I breathe him in. As I get up I look around and see his phone charger and a few other items he left. I pick up my cell and call him and he answers. We talk and he says he’ll be over shortly. Half an hour later there’s a knock on my hotel door and I open it. I give him a big hug and hold him.
“I’m so sorry”. I say as I hold him.
“It’s okay I’m a broken down cowboy, I deserve it.” He says in a soft voice as he breaks away from me.
I watch him as he passes me. He looks dis-shelved. He picks up his stuff.
“Mark. Stay with me. We have a few more hours. Please don’t leave this way. Please? I plead.
His sad steel-blue grey eyes look at me and he nods and says “Okay”.
I smile and say: “If you want to take a shower or just lie with me you can?”Or, if you want to shower with me and make love to me, we can do that too.
He laughs as he comes over and hugs me. He feels good as he wraps his arms around me. We start kissing and I can feel him getting harder as I press myself against him. He smells good. He takes off my dress and caresses my breasts, kissing each one until they are hard mounds. My body responds to him and I moan. I’m very wet. I want him inside me.
I take off his shirt and unzip his jeans and slide them down his legs. Then I push him on the bed. I take off his motorcycle boots as he watches me. He’s fully naked and his manhood his straight and full. I watch him and smile, teasing him. I lean down and engulf his penis with my mouth. He let’s out a gasp. My tongue darts about touching it. My lips suckle his tip. My mouth moves back and forth from his base to the top sucking and caressing.
I watch him. His eyes closed and his teeth clenched. He tips his head down, opens his eyes and I smile. Then he grabs me and pulls me down. Now it’s his turn to pleasure me. His tongue darts in and out and suckles my clit. I can feel the tugging sensation with his lips and my body moves to him. I want him in me now.
“Fuck me Mark fuck me now.” I whisper as my back arches.
He gets on top of me and I help him guide him in. Slowly at first he thrusts. One, two, three he slowly goes in and out, then faster but controlled. I grab his ass and pull it towards me. I am so wet, I am cumming. My clit is pulsating and I can feel my walls gushing with liquid. I scream with pleasure. He feels so fuckin’ good.
He can’t control it any longer and I feel his sweet liquid pulsating through my body. We lie for a few minutes crumpled on top of each other.
“My juice box” He says with a grin. I kiss him and laugh.
Relationships are like socks. In the beginning they are always seen together. They feel good, enjoying each other’s company. Life is good. Then the days, weeks, months, and years go by and they spend less and less time together. One day you find that your partner is MIA just like socks that have gone through the wash. Single again. The MIA sock has attached itself to another article of clothing, never too be seen together again. Just like the relationship that has gone south.
Now you just have single socks which you put into the single sock drawer. Holding on to them just in case the other mate shows up and you will be together again. The socks are piling up.
One day you realize that sock is never going to appear and you make the decision to throw it out or use it to dust.
The life of relationships and socks.
I’m apparently a compassionate person because I should have said Hello, goodbye, nice meeting you, have a nice life, hope it all works out for you to Big M when I finally met him, but I didn’t. Instead I let him hang with me for two weeks in the Redondo Beach area (that’s where he is from). I felt guilty that I would be staying in nice places while he would be living in his Van, at Von’s parking lot. I do like him but he drives me nuts. Being thrown together with anyone, especially strangers 24/7 is extremely stressful. We went from online pen pals to living together. Now that would be a great Reality Show. What should we call it?
I figure, I’m on a 6 month solo road trip so I can chalk it up to experiences. He’s lived an exciting life as a Stuntman/Actor/Cowboy/Moto dude. Apparently I’m drawn to this type, bad boy. He’s also a pot head. I like pot on occasion but he takes a hit 5-6 times/day. He says it helps him relax and de-stresses him. He’s comfortably numb. It kind of turns me off. He doesn’t smoke cigarettes, take prescription pills, not much of a drinker and doesn’t do any other hard-core drugs, thank God. So I can’t complain about that. FYI: marijuana isn’t the gate way drug; alcohol, cigarettes and prescription drugs are. Let’s get that straight.
As Carrie from Sex & The City said about Big: “She’s addicted to the pain.” I think that sums up my life with men perfectly. I’m attracted to bad boys because they live life on the edge with passion and drama which makes me feel alive. Yep I admit it. I love the drama, the thrill, and the fantasy. I’m not alone here, we love the wild ones but discard the nice ones.
The Pro’s about Big M: He is very affectionate, always holding my hand and kissing me. The way he looks at me with those steel-blue eyes makes my heart skip a beat. He has a wonderful body, his abs are to die for, and he has a great smile. Plus even though he had that horrible accident with his penis, he actually is a great lover, who makes me very wet. I come every time.
I’m torn. We like each other a lot, but his behavior is driving a wedge between us. He wants to get himself out of this financial chaos he has created but he won’t do what it takes to do it. He says if he can only get one more commercial, he would get himself out of the deep hole. He should do an ice-cream commercial since that is his drug of choice. He’s moving to Montana in the Spring to work as a wrangler at a dude ranch for $1200/month. At least he will have a roof over his head and three square meals per day. It’s almost like jail but he has a bit more freedom.
We stay at the Marriott in Torrance, CA for the last two nights before I head back to Oregon. I actually call 15 hotels in the area and everything is full. Finally I find the Marriott. Oy! That’s stressful. Big M needs to go to his van and organize it since it’s a mess. I stay behind, because he needs to do this on his own. He takes his motorcycle. I hang out at the bar and by the pool. It’s alone time, aah.
I get a Cosmo martini but when the bartender gives it to me in a plastic cup it’s only 1/3 cup full. I stare at it and ponder; boy it looks awful tiny. I finally ask her what’s up with this $12 drink and she looks at me like I have two heads. She then snaps it up and puts in their martini glass and it fills right up. She says in a mocking tone: “See?” I just look at her. Wow. Deception.
She’s an A Hole. I don’t leave her a tip and complain to the manager about her rude behavior. I hang out by the pool enjoying the afternoon sun. Big M has been gone close to 4 hours. I envision him tackling his van and organizing it. I’m glad things are finally looking up. I can leave without worrying about him. I get a text from him telling me he’s on his way.
He meets me and we kiss. He looks depressed. He tells me that he went to his van and sat there for over an hour but didn’t do a damn thing. He then went to the gym and worked out for almost 2 hours and stopped at a burger joint on his way back. His only discipline is working out. If he could just apply that logic to the rest of his life he would be successful.
I realized then and there he will never change. He doesn’t have the drive to fix his life. He wants other’s to do it for him. No matter what I do for him he won’t take charge of his life and fix it. I finally see the light. He’s beyond hope.
I get up and tell him that I can’t help him anymore. I’m done. He’s dejected. We fight, well I yell and he just stares at me. We head up to the room on the 17th floor. He gathers his things and leaves. I don’t want him to go, I’m just venting. I beg him not to leave. I can’t bear that he will be in that van while I’m in this $200/night hotel room without him. He breaks my heart as he leaves with his guitar and backpack. How is he going to carry everything on his motorcycle? How?
He kisses me and walks out of my life.
I know it’s for the best, but I cry because I do care for him and he broke my heart. I cry for him, I cry for the loss of our friendship. I cry myself to sleep.