After saying goodbye to Big M, I head to see my sister and husband in LA before my long drive back to Bend, Oregon. When one is in a car for hours the mind starts to wander. I think about the fun times; riding with him on the back of his motorcycle and getting off from the vibrations, giving him a blow job up in Palos Verdes Estates overlooking the ocean under the stars, and how he makes me so wet. The sex, even though he has issues he’s a wonderful attentive lover. We have a lot of fun and there is a lot of laughter.
But then there are dark moments that overshadow the sun. The day we met he hurt his neck and he was in agonizing pain which drove him to his knees. Then I think about all his emotional and financial baggage. My life has mirrored his and it scares me that I could end up like him, the man who lives in the van. Maybe that’s why we fight. He knows he has to straighten out his life before he can be in a solid relationship and I know that too. The Yin and the Yang. Drama is a constant in my life and I didn’t even take it in school. Oye.
We are apart for a month while I continue with my road trip. The following month we are meeting up again in Montana for 10 days at the dude ranch where he’s working as a wrangler. While we are apart we text/sext/IM almost every day.
Big M: miss u xoxo
Me: What part do you miss?
Big M: The wet juicy part..
Me: You always make me cum…
Big M: Yea and I gave you lots of cream..
Me: We all scream for ice-cream…Yum…LOL!
Big M: What cha doing darlin..Jacked off twice today…freekin horny today..he he xoxoxo
Me: Good boy, wish I was with you to lend a hand…
Big M: Hmm. I’m getting horny again.
Me: I can remedy that.
Big M: I want your tight.little juice box between your legs.
Me: I’m open for business cum on in…
Big M and I are in bed after making love, I look at the clock and it’s 10:15am, check out is 11am. We kiss and get out of bed and head for the shower. Our first and our last shower together for a long time. He lathers me up and washes me carefully and I do the same for him. We fuck one last time with the water pouring over us, so hot and erotic.
We jump out of the shower, and get ready. Looking around making sure we didn’t leave anything and we walk hand in hand out the door. There is a line at check out and I can see that he’s edgy. He says he has to meet his friend at the unemployment office at 11:30. I tell him to go. He pulls me close and passionately kisses me and walks away. I watch him disappear.
I check out and head for the car. As I’m about to leave, I see that he is calling my cell. I pick up and he’s frantic. Apparently he just got stopped for driving 76 mph in a 35 mph speed limit zone, which is serious business. WTF is wrong with this dude? Does he just like to piss away money he doesn’t have? I tell him to calm down and don’t argue with the cop. He says he’s got to go because the cop is coming back.
The queasy feeling is back in my stomach. This dude is on a self-destructive road and it breaks my heart. I wait in the garage as the minutes tick by. Finally he calls back and tells me the cop was nice enough not to impound his motorcycle or arrest him. He did receive a $275 speeding ticket. I tell him that I put $250 American Express Traveler Cheques in his motorcycle bag yesterday, so that should help him. He thanks me for putting up with him and being with him through this horrible time in his life. He is so upset and I just listen. He has a good heart but he’s a mess. He tells me he loves me and I tell him I love him too. The last words to me are: I will see you in Montana. I laugh and say goodbye.
I’m torn. I know I can’t stay but I’m worried about him. I wish I could help him but he has to do this on his own-get himself out of this financial mess. If I stayed I would be giving up my dream of traveling and finishing my 6 month solo road trip. Meeting Mark was an interesting experience. I had the time and the money, so what the hell. He is part of my life now and I will always remember him as the man who lives in the van.
I wake up on the day that I’m leaving for Bend Oregon, my eyes are puffy from crying. I think back to the previous days events of the fight, Big M leaving me, walking out of my life. I know he’s wrong for me, but for the last 2 weeks we were together 24/7. I’ve come to really care for him. He’s a down and out Actor/Stuntman living in a van with so much potential if he could just get one more commercial…
I roll over and his smell still lingers on the pillow. I breathe him in. As I get up I look around and see his phone charger and a few other items he left. I pick up my cell and call him and he answers. We talk and he says he’ll be over shortly. Half an hour later there’s a knock on my hotel door and I open it. I give him a big hug and hold him.
“I’m so sorry”. I say as I hold him.
“It’s okay I’m a broken down cowboy, I deserve it.” He says in a soft voice as he breaks away from me.
I watch him as he passes me. He looks dis-shelved. He picks up his stuff.
“Mark. Stay with me. We have a few more hours. Please don’t leave this way. Please? I plead.
His sad steel-blue grey eyes look at me and he nods and says “Okay”.
I smile and say: “If you want to take a shower or just lie with me you can?”Or, if you want to shower with me and make love to me, we can do that too.
He laughs as he comes over and hugs me. He feels good as he wraps his arms around me. We start kissing and I can feel him getting harder as I press myself against him. He smells good. He takes off my dress and caresses my breasts, kissing each one until they are hard mounds. My body responds to him and I moan. I’m very wet. I want him inside me.
I take off his shirt and unzip his jeans and slide them down his legs. Then I push him on the bed. I take off his motorcycle boots as he watches me. He’s fully naked and his manhood his straight and full. I watch him and smile, teasing him. I lean down and engulf his penis with my mouth. He let’s out a gasp. My tongue darts about touching it. My lips suckle his tip. My mouth moves back and forth from his base to the top sucking and caressing.
I watch him. His eyes closed and his teeth clenched. He tips his head down, opens his eyes and I smile. Then he grabs me and pulls me down. Now it’s his turn to pleasure me. His tongue darts in and out and suckles my clit. I can feel the tugging sensation with his lips and my body moves to him. I want him in me now.
“Fuck me Mark fuck me now.” I whisper as my back arches.
He gets on top of me and I help him guide him in. Slowly at first he thrusts. One, two, three he slowly goes in and out, then faster but controlled. I grab his ass and pull it towards me. I am so wet, I am cumming. My clit is pulsating and I can feel my walls gushing with liquid. I scream with pleasure. He feels so fuckin’ good.
He can’t control it any longer and I feel his sweet liquid pulsating through my body. We lie for a few minutes crumpled on top of each other.
“My juice box” He says with a grin. I kiss him and laugh.
Relationships are like socks. In the beginning they are always seen together. They feel good, enjoying each other’s company. Life is good. Then the days, weeks, months, and years go by and they spend less and less time together. One day you find that your partner is MIA just like socks that have gone through the wash. Single again. The MIA sock has attached itself to another article of clothing, never too be seen together again. Just like the relationship that has gone south.
Now you just have single socks which you put into the single sock drawer. Holding on to them just in case the other mate shows up and you will be together again. The socks are piling up.
One day you realize that sock is never going to appear and you make the decision to throw it out or use it to dust.
The life of relationships and socks.
I’m apparently a compassionate person because I should have said Hello, goodbye, nice meeting you, have a nice life, hope it all works out for you to Big M when I finally met him, but I didn’t. Instead I let him hang with me for two weeks in the Redondo Beach area (that’s where he is from). I felt guilty that I would be staying in nice places while he would be living in his Van, at Von’s parking lot. I do like him but he drives me nuts. Being thrown together with anyone, especially strangers 24/7 is extremely stressful. We went from online pen pals to living together. Now that would be a great Reality Show. What should we call it?
I figure, I’m on a 6 month solo road trip so I can chalk it up to experiences. He’s lived an exciting life as a Stuntman/Actor/Cowboy/Moto dude. Apparently I’m drawn to this type, bad boy. He’s also a pot head. I like pot on occasion but he takes a hit 5-6 times/day. He says it helps him relax and de-stresses him. He’s comfortably numb. It kind of turns me off. He doesn’t smoke cigarettes, take prescription pills, not much of a drinker and doesn’t do any other hard-core drugs, thank God. So I can’t complain about that. FYI: marijuana isn’t the gate way drug; alcohol, cigarettes and prescription drugs are. Let’s get that straight.
As Carrie from Sex & The City said about Big: “She’s addicted to the pain.” I think that sums up my life with men perfectly. I’m attracted to bad boys because they live life on the edge with passion and drama which makes me feel alive. Yep I admit it. I love the drama, the thrill, and the fantasy. I’m not alone here, we love the wild ones but discard the nice ones.
The Pro’s about Big M: He is very affectionate, always holding my hand and kissing me. The way he looks at me with those steel-blue eyes makes my heart skip a beat. He has a wonderful body, his abs are to die for, and he has a great smile. Plus even though he had that horrible accident with his penis, he actually is a great lover, who makes me very wet. I come every time.
I’m torn. We like each other a lot, but his behavior is driving a wedge between us. He wants to get himself out of this financial chaos he has created but he won’t do what it takes to do it. He says if he can only get one more commercial, he would get himself out of the deep hole. He should do an ice-cream commercial since that is his drug of choice. He’s moving to Montana in the Spring to work as a wrangler at a dude ranch for $1200/month. At least he will have a roof over his head and three square meals per day. It’s almost like jail but he has a bit more freedom.
We stay at the Marriott in Torrance, CA for the last two nights before I head back to Oregon. I actually call 15 hotels in the area and everything is full. Finally I find the Marriott. Oy! That’s stressful. Big M needs to go to his van and organize it since it’s a mess. I stay behind, because he needs to do this on his own. He takes his motorcycle. I hang out at the bar and by the pool. It’s alone time, aah.
I get a Cosmo martini but when the bartender gives it to me in a plastic cup it’s only 1/3 cup full. I stare at it and ponder; boy it looks awful tiny. I finally ask her what’s up with this $12 drink and she looks at me like I have two heads. She then snaps it up and puts in their martini glass and it fills right up. She says in a mocking tone: “See?” I just look at her. Wow. Deception.
She’s an A Hole. I don’t leave her a tip and complain to the manager about her rude behavior. I hang out by the pool enjoying the afternoon sun. Big M has been gone close to 4 hours. I envision him tackling his van and organizing it. I’m glad things are finally looking up. I can leave without worrying about him. I get a text from him telling me he’s on his way.
He meets me and we kiss. He looks depressed. He tells me that he went to his van and sat there for over an hour but didn’t do a damn thing. He then went to the gym and worked out for almost 2 hours and stopped at a burger joint on his way back. His only discipline is working out. If he could just apply that logic to the rest of his life he would be successful.
I realized then and there he will never change. He doesn’t have the drive to fix his life. He wants other’s to do it for him. No matter what I do for him he won’t take charge of his life and fix it. I finally see the light. He’s beyond hope.
I get up and tell him that I can’t help him anymore. I’m done. He’s dejected. We fight, well I yell and he just stares at me. We head up to the room on the 17th floor. He gathers his things and leaves. I don’t want him to go, I’m just venting. I beg him not to leave. I can’t bear that he will be in that van while I’m in this $200/night hotel room without him. He breaks my heart as he leaves with his guitar and backpack. How is he going to carry everything on his motorcycle? How?
He kisses me and walks out of my life.
I know it’s for the best, but I cry because I do care for him and he broke my heart. I cry for him, I cry for the loss of our friendship. I cry myself to sleep.
For the next two weeks I try to help Big M get his life in order, before I have to go back to Oregon. The Man who lives in a Van apparently has no Plan. I pay to get his van fixed so it’s road worthy, no more black smoke coming out of the exhaust. I make sure he has shelter and food. He stays with me in hotels and various lodgings. I take him out to eat, so he doesn’t starve. We do fun things together, which I pay for: horseback riding in Rolling Hills, Paddle Boarding in Carlsbad, hiking in Palos Verdes and Torrey Pines.
I am his Sugar Mommy. Once in a while he buys me an ice-cream. How nice of him. Tears roll down his face, as he tells me how thankful he is that I came into his life. I think they are real, he is an Actor so he could be faking it.
He is essentially a child in a mans body. He tells me he’s going food shopping and asks me to take him to Whole Foods. I wait in the car as he goes in. Twenty minutes later he comes out with four bags. I’m thinking at least he got some good food for breakfast and lunch. He gets into the car and shows me what he got. $75 worth of junk food! I look at him in disgust. He’s very happy about his ginger snaps and starts munching on them. He says it’s organic. So what! It’s still junk food with no nutritional value that he’s spending his money on! This irks me too no end. Here he is complaining that he has no money and look at what he’s doing with it? Serenity NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ever since he won the award 6 years ago for Stuntman of the year his life has been in shambles. He told me a few years ago when he was in between apartments and gigs (homeless), he lived in a friends back yard in a homemade tarp tent for 6 months. He couldn’t even buy a real tent? He was the talk of the town well at least in that neighborhood. OMG! WTF is wrong with this dude?
Couldn’t he get a job flipping burgers? Oh wait his ego would be at stake. That’s below him. He tells me he was on medication for his bipolar and depression but had to stop taking it when his health insurance ran out. Is there anything else that he hasn’t shared with me? Oh wait there is more.
We are getting hot and heavy and then he drops a bombshell on me. Apparently a few years back when he was doing a commercial, they hoisted him too high. When they let him go, his penis slammed into the steel railing. He was able to finish the commercial but was in severe pain. A few days later he had surgery which chopped of 1.5″ of his penis. He now has a hard time (no pun intended) performing in the bedroom.
Am I in a B movie? Or is this Candid Camera? Is Allan Funt going to come out and make fun of me and say Smile You’re on Candid Camera!? No one will believe me when I tell them this tale. My God being with this dude is like being trapped in quick sand. There is no place to hide. He is starting to annoy me. I will say it again Serenity NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Big M is a small time Actor/Stuntman/Cowboy/Moto dude. He’s gone from doing all right in Hollywood to living in a Van. He is one of the many thousands of past celebrities, once famous who are now on the edge of darkness. He does have a Facebook page with 1000’s of followers but no one except his closest friends and family actually know his downward spiral. Many friends have abandoned him in his hours of need.
What did I get myself into? Does misery love company? It’s apparently following me on my journey. Online dating sites present our best faces. How wonderful we are, our dreams, our hopes, our wants, our desires and who we are looking for. Can you imagine if we all told the world what we are really like? The Good, the Bad and the Ugly? Would anyone want us?
Big M lied, plain and simple. Instead of telling me his true predicament, he masked it as any Actor would. He asked me today if I knew about his situation before I met him would I have come? In all honesty, no I wouldn’t have driven 17 hours to meet him. I would probably have friended him online and if I was in the area I might have met him.
Does that make me a shallow person? I do have compassion and have helped many friends over the years when they were down and out. I have been down on my luck and I have had friends who’ve abandoned me in my time of need. I do care for him. He has so much potential still left, but he is lost amongst his own destructive behavior.
We are together 24/7 forced by circumstances of compassion and guilt. I feel as though I’m on a Reality Show. It’s almost like the movie Down & Out in Beverly Hills. I want to try to help him get back on his feet but is he willing to help himself?
“If there is a will there is always a way, but if there is no will, there is only delays.” – ME.
First thing is to get his stuff out of his ex girlfriends storage unit in Encinitas. She’s been obsessively calling and texting him. 28 missed calls, 21 text messages. We leave his van at Von’s parking lot, his home before he met me and drive an hour south following the Pacific Coast Highway. If we are going to do work we might as well enjoy the beautiful scenery on the way.
We have lunch at the Fishermen’s on San Clemente’s Pier and then walk hand in hand on the beach. We are having a wonderful time, bonding. It’s a beautiful sunny afternoon. Well when is the sun not shining in full force in southern California?
He sees some guys playing frisbee. He wants to play, the kid in him runs and catches the frisbee as it’s heading towards him. He then whips it to the other guy. They exchange pleasantries and he comes back to me with a big grin on his face. At 56, he’s still a child in an adult’s body, I do love that. I wonder however, if the Peter Pan syndrome will tear us apart?
We head to the storage unit and we talk to the manager. There is a storage unit available a few doors down from his current unit. We look at it, it’s a 5×10 which is bigger than his current 5×5 space he has now. I end up paying for 6 months which comes out to close to $700. He’s desperate and I have inheritance money so I can help him. Do I have Sucker written all over me?
His pain in his neck is killing him. How convenient. I tell him to take the car and get some pain killers and do the errands he has to do. I will start moving his stuff while he’s gone. Boy he has a lot of memories stored in the unit: trophies, buckles and photographs from rodeo and motocross days. Dvd’s and tapes of his stuntman/Acting auditions along with photographs of his modeling days.
Wow he really had a wonderful life. So sad it has come to this…
I find the strength to move just about everything over by the time he gets back. He’s amazed at my organizational skills. I remind him that my car is packed perfectly for all my needs for my 6 month journey. He laughs then hugs and kisses me.
He goes through his stuff and goes down memory lane, telling me of his work on past movies and commercials. His face becomes alive and animated from his glory days. For a moment he forgets his situation and revels in all the good that has been bestowed upon him.
He lives in the past because the present is too painful. My heart goes out to him
After learning that my could be lover is homeless, I decide to let him stay with me for the next two weeks. I’ve been in bad situations before, never homeless but down on my luck. I believe in karma what goes around comes around. It’s not like he’s a stranger who I let share my bed with. We have been conversing via phone, text and IM/Facebook every day for the past 1.5 months. He just left out some major details, like being broke, can’t find work as an actor/stuntman, ex girlfriend issues and living in a van. The SNL skit The Man Who Lives Down By The River resonates in my head. Oy!
Would I have come knowing this? Driven 17 hours from Eugene, OR to LA? I don’t know, probably not. But I’m back in warm, sunny California so I might as well enjoy his company. He’s affectionate with a nice body, a great kisser and a wonderful story-teller. He talks for hours about his glory days as a stuntman/cowboy.
We stay at an Airbnb, in Rolling Hills Estates for two nights. It’s on the same street he used to live years ago when he was doing well. He gives me a tour. I hear cats meowing, but they are not cats. Big M tells me I hear peacocks. They are everywhere. It’s amazing. The last time I saw one was in Paris France circa 1992.
We head back to the guest cottage. As we are getting ready to go out to eat I hear his cry. I rush into the bathroom and he’s on his knees holding his neck. His face is distorted from the excruciating pain. The pain juts through the back of his neck where it’s debilitating him. He’s swears under his breath and slowly gets up.
He tells me he had a neck operation six months ago due to his moto/rodeo days. The pain comes and goes and I can see it in his face. There is nothing I can do and it breaks my heart to see him this way. I try to a help him as much as I can. Is there anything else that can go wrong with him? Seriously? There is a dark cloud looming over his head ready to unleash its fury at any moment.
Minutes pass and the pain subsides. Maybe having a nice meal will make him feel better. I take him out to eat. I don’t want him to starve. He’s not much of a drinker which is good (alcoholism runs in his family) and he doesn’t get expensive items on the menu. His idea of food is hamburgers from a fast food joint and ice-cream that’s his drug of choice. Opposite from me. I like pubs and nicer establishments where I can sit in a nice environment and enjoy my food, drink and conversation without feeling rushed. I’m not talking about fancy just down to earth.
How can someone who eats like crap have such a nice physique? While I try to eat as healthy as possible but have a flabby tummy. Hmmm. He works out four times a week doing intense exercises. I think that’s the secret to looking good; those gorgeous abs attest to that.
Is this relationship going to last? What am I thinking? Maybe he will be one of those down and out actors who gets his big break again and turns his life around. You know the rags to riches story. It’s nice to dream, after all we are in California…
I drive 17 hours to LA from Eugene on boring interstate 5. Now that’s my record of driving solo in one day. I arrive at my cousin’s house Sunday night and crash on the bed exhausted from the drive. I’m meeting M on Tuesday so I have Monday to rejuvenate my body and mind. The original plan is to meet at Rat’s beach at 4pm but I change it to noon. I figured we would play frisbee on the beach since that is our game of choice and just have a relaxing day. I want to see those fantastic abs in motion.
I arrive at the beach at 11:45am and scout the area. I head to the beach and text him that I’m here. No reply. Now it’s 12, then 12:10, 12:20pm no M. I am starting to get agitated. WTF. I text him and I call him, it goes into voice mail, so I leave him a message. Did I just drive 17 hours to see a ghost? Am I at the wrong beach? I don’t know this area. I ask someone and they confirm, I’m at the right beach.
Finally he calls me. He’s upset, he thinks we are meeting at 4. Apparently he forgot about the time change. After 5 minutes of him venting I intervene and tell him it’s okay. He hasn’t showered, he wanted to look good, just came from the gym. Yada yada yada. On a positive note I get to see him at his worst, might as well get that over with. He says he’s driving a van.
I’m envisioning a cool black van, what I see coming towards me is totally different. It’s a blue and white vintage van something that a hippy would drive. He waves to me, parks and gets out. Hmmm. A little different from his pictures, shorter and much older looking that I expected, he could pass for an old man. Time has not been good to him. The only saving grace is his beautiful eyes, smile and abs. We hug and kiss. I close my eyes and I see the beautiful man he was.
We play frisbee for an hour, laughing and being care free, then we walk on the beach hand in hand. I do like him even though he’s not what I pictured. He’s still good-looking, with just more wrinkles. His personality is a lot like mine: a firecracker. I am drawn to him, but I know that being an Actor/stuntman/cowboy has a lot to do with why I met him.
We head back to our cars and he opens up his van to get some water. There is a lot of stuff in it. The truth comes out. He’s the man in the van who lives down by the river. He’s the man who lives in his van. That’s what he meant when he said he was in between apartments. Oy!
My heart stops. Man oh Man. He tells me that he moved out of his ex girlfriends house a few weeks ago and was staying with a friend for a bit but now he’s living in his van until he finds a place. I am a sap apparently. My heart goes out to him. Well while I’m here he’s not going to be living in a van, that would be cruel on my part. He can stay with me.
In the midst of a 6 month solo road trip I change my city and state profile to see if there are any guys I would like to meet. I change it to LA California. Of course there are many handsome dudes messaging me. One in particular stands out: He is ruggedly handsome with steel blue eyes that stare deep into your soul.
I read his message and check out his profile. I’m intrigued. He’s a hotty. He’s an actor/stuntman/cowboy/moto guy. I like it. I love that he’s creative, passionate, and good looking. All right the Actor/stuntman was what got me.
He says he’s real unlike all the fake profiles out there, so I message him back and we email a few times then he gives me his cell number. At this point I’m up in Jacksonville Oregon with lousy cell coverage. We finally talk. He has a deep masculine voice which matches his pictures. We talk for over an hour. I’m hooked.
I do check him out on the internet to make sure he is real. I find his name and it says he’s 5 years older than his online profile age. Hmmm. I normally don’t date people who are more than 5 years older than me, but I like him. I guess I can’t complain about that since my profile says I’m 5 years younger than my actual age. He has a Facebook page and we Friend each other. We talk everyday by some kind of format.
The fantasy of us together is building in my head. I could actually see us as an item. He’s everything that I want in a man and he rides horses that’s a plus, since I own two. Going to Hollywood parties and hanging out with this cool dude was part of the draw. We converse for a month and a half.
I’m now up in Eugene Oregon and he is still in LA. We are trying to meet. I have two weeks where I’m free. I look into flying down and renting a car but it’s too expensive and I would rather drive that sit in airports. We discuss meeting in Sacramento where he has friends, which is half way for each of us. That ends up not working out due to his work schedule: He’s waiting for a call back for a commercial.
He’s worth the journey. I have family in LA, so what the hell. I’m on a solo road trip where I can go wherever I want. If I don’t meet him I will regret it. My plan is to drive down the 5 from Eugene to LA. Stay with my cousin then head off to Palos Verdes Estates to meet him. He said I could stay with him but he’s in between apartments. I would rather stay at cute Airbnb’s cottages instead. We make the plans and I gather my stuff and head out to LA.