For the next two weeks I try to help Big M get his life in order, before I have to go back to Oregon. The Man who lives in a Van apparently has no Plan. I pay to get his van fixed so it’s road worthy, no more black smoke coming out of the exhaust. I make sure he has shelter and food. He stays with me in hotels and various lodgings. I take him out to eat, so he doesn’t starve. We do fun things together, which I pay for: horseback riding in Rolling Hills, Paddle Boarding in Carlsbad, hiking in Palos Verdes and Torrey Pines.

Big M with his Sugar Mommy aka me
Big M with his Sugar Mommy aka me

I am his Sugar Mommy. Once in a while he buys me an ice-cream. How nice of him. Tears roll down his face,  as he tells me how thankful he is that I came into his life. I think they are real, he is an Actor so he could be faking it.

Giving Big M shelter from the storm
Giving Big M shelter from the storm

He is essentially a child in a mans body. He tells me he’s going food shopping and asks me to take him to Whole Foods. I wait in the car as he goes in. Twenty minutes later he comes out with four bags. I’m thinking at least he got some good food for breakfast and lunch. He gets into the car and shows me what he got. $75 worth of junk food! I look at him in disgust. He’s very happy about his ginger snaps and starts munching on them. He says it’s organic. So what!  It’s still junk food with no nutritional value that he’s spending his money on! This irks me too no end. Here he is complaining that he has no money and look  at what he’s doing with it? Serenity NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ever since he won the award 6 years ago for Stuntman of the year his life has been in shambles. He told me a few years ago when he was in between apartments and gigs (homeless), he lived in a friends back yard in a homemade tarp tent for 6 months. He couldn’t even buy a real tent? He was the talk of the town well at least in that neighborhood. OMG! WTF is wrong with this dude?

Couldn’t he get a job flipping burgers?  Oh wait his ego would be at stake. That’s below him. He tells me he was on medication for his bipolar and depression but had to stop taking it when his health insurance ran out. Is there anything else that he hasn’t shared with me? Oh wait there is more.

We are getting hot and heavy and then he drops a bombshell on me. Apparently a few years back when he was doing a commercial, they hoisted him too high. When they let him go, his penis slammed into the steel railing. He was able to finish the commercial but was in severe pain. A few days later he had surgery which chopped of 1.5″ of his penis. He now has a hard time (no pun intended) performing in the bedroom.

Am I in a B movie? Or is this Candid Camera? Is Allan Funt going to come out and make fun of me and say Smile You’re on Candid Camera!? No one will believe me when I tell them this tale.  My God being with this dude is like being trapped in quick sand. There is no place to hide. He is starting to annoy me. I will say it again Serenity NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!