There’s a Christmas party at our gym and Michael who is Bipolar and has the Holiday Blues wants to go. Free food and drinks how can one pass that up? We plan on playing racquetball then go to the party.

I pick him up at 4:30 he’s in his gym clothes. I want to say: “Is that what you are wearing to the party?” But I don’t dare since he would think I’m criticizing him as his father always does. I bite my tongue and say nothing.

We arrive at the gym but the parking lot is full and we have to park on the street. We walk in but find that the courts are filled with tables of food. I look at Michael and say: “Since we are here why don’t we just work out and then join the party?”

He rolls his eyes.  I see that he’s not happy. I smile at him as I turn and go into the women’s locker room. A few minutes later I come out but can’t find him. I realize I left my phone in the car so I can’t text him. I then decide not to work out so I shower and dress and walk towards the party. Wendy the membership director comes up to me and gives me a note.

It reads, “J – I’m in a shitty mood. I’m walking home. – Michael. I fold it and put it in my pocket. I’m psst. Wendy says: “Even though he left why don’t you come and join the festivities.” I smile and walk away.

He fucking left me at the party he wanted to go to. He couldn’t even wait for me? He couldn’t call my name over the loud speaker? He couldn’t have someone come and get me in the women’s locker room?

I’m too angry to stay. I hate being left. It’s a pet peeve of mine. How dare he! I pack up my stuff and walk to the car. When I’m furious I either scream and yell or become silent. I choose the latter.

Once in my car I look at my phone and see a text from him: “Sorry I had to leave the gym. I was freaked out by all the people and how underdressed and unmotivated to work out I felt.” I ignore it.

I click the Resign button on WordFued that I play with him. He promptly texts back: “Why did you resign?” I still don’t respond. He texts again: !!!! Sorry I just sort of freaked out because there were so many people around and couldn’t find you and didn’t have my phone. Sorry!!!!

After driving around to clear my head, I pull into a parking lot and finally text back: “I’m psst. In the future if you want me in your life you won’t do that again. I hate being left especially by someone I really like. Whatever!”

“Sorry i totally schized out.” He writes.

“You knew there was a party. Whatever. I will leave you alone.”

“Just tonight. Or you can come hang out. I just freaked out standing in the lobby alone. I walked through the gym twice but kept coming back to the lobby and it was crowded but they weren’t serving drinks yet.”

“I didn’t work out just showered and look hot. I guess I’ll go to a bar and have a few drinks. Enjoy.” I text back.

“Ok sorry i totally bailed. U can Come here if you want to.

“I’m to hurt to stop by. Ttyl.

I’m too angry to go to a bar and decide to head home. What am I getting myself into? He hates the Holidays which I love, he’s Bipolar and he has panic attacks. UGH!!!!!

I really like him, I’m drawn to him. When he’s not self absorbed he’s a great guy. He makes me feel alive. As Carrie from Sex & The City said about Big: “I’m addicted to the pain.” That sums it up. Apparently I’m attracted to the Bigs of the world, men who leave. I think it’s stems from my childhood.

My mother and father had a very volatile relationship. We grew up with the police coming to our door and being driven to school in police cars. The fighting, the screaming matches between two people who once loved each other was so hard to bare.

I remember my father finally having enough and leaving his four girls with our disturbed mother. She had horrible mood swings and either lashed out at us emotionally or disappeared into her own world.

At the age of nine I packed my belongings into a little grey oval suitcase and walked to his apartment which was a mile away. I wanted to live with my dad. I couldn’t deal living with my mother any longer. I was daddy’s little girl.

Through the years my father gained custody of me and my three sisters, but it was a 10 year battle of constant unrest. I still carry the battle scars from the war.

I do understand Michael’s predicament but that doesn’t make it any easier. The feelings of being left by my emotionally unstable mother and physically by my father still haunts me. The memories are all too real.

As I drag myself into my apartment I pour myself a glass of wine and head to bed. Feeling blue and not being able to sleep I watch Oklahoma with Shirley Jones. I don’t know if it’s the movie, or the wine but I don’t want to be angry with Michael anymore.

I text him: “I’m done being mad at you. I forgive you for being a shit. I’m heading up to the mountains tomorrow”

He texts back: “Ok I will clean my house. Sorry I Totally fucked you over at the party. The mountains will be nice.”

I might have forgiven him but I haven’t forgotten. I am a Scorpio and we don’t forgive easily. Trust is earned it’s not given. I hope he understands that.