IMG_5421I know deep down that Michael would never hurt me. It’s my insecurities, jealousy and lack of trust which ruined the evening.  It put a strain on my relationship with him. If I could take back what I said and did I would but I can’t. I’m full of regrets and sadness. My past still haunts me and I must come to terms with it if I ever want to start anew.

The movies War of the Roses and Kramer vs Kramer had nothing on my parents divorce which lasted 10 years; 1974-1984. My father gained custody of all his children but it was a bitter fight to the end.

After threatening to kill the Judge my mother was sentenced to 90 days at McLean Hospital in Belmont, MA. It was there that she was diagnosed as Manic Depressive with Paranoia Schizophrenia. I remember visiting her and it scared me. It was right out of One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest. She was very religious and she believed God was telling her what to do. My father’s womanizing ways did not help the situation and my sisters and I were caught in the cross fire.

It only ended in 1984, because my mom killed herself. We were in the middle of another court case. I remember the call from my youngest sister. I was living in Fort Lauderdale and I was at work. After she told me I felt relieved. I hated my mother for what she did to our family. It was finally over, but it was never truly over. Memories fade but the emotional scars still run deep.

Over the years I’ve punished myself through feelings of inadequacies. Thoughts that I was going to end up like my mom haunted all of us. I was never good enough. Relationships suffered. After 9 years together I wanted marriage and children so I gave Alex an ultimatum: Marriage or goodbye. He chose marriage but I always felt he married me not because he loved me but because he didn’t want to lose me.

Over the years I had panic attacks and was put on Paxil. In 2003 I was pregnant and had to go off it, because they were afraid that it would hurt the baby. The panic attacks came back in full force.  I was terrified that I was going to have a child attached to me forever and I could not escape. I remember becoming hysterical telling my husband that I couldn’t have a child. I wanted an abortion.

Finally the panic attacks subsided and I started to adjust to having a family. At 12 weeks we went in for the ultra sound. We were excited. We had names picked out, Julia Morgan if it was a girl and Joshua Morgan if it was a boy. I was secretly hoping for a girl, but there was no heart beat. I ended up getting a DNC and the doctor asked if we wanted to know the sex of the baby, we did, it was a girl.

I was racked with guilt, it was my fault that she died. It was my paranoia that killed her. We never ended up trying for more children and a year later I left him. Those feelings are still with me I never forgave myself for losing my child.

In 2004 I couldn’t handle these feelings anymore and I end up leaving my husband for a man who was passive aggressive. We were together on and off for 11 years. He was my drug of choice. The highs were euphoria but coming off the high was torture. Why did I stay so long? Because I connected with him. I felt safe with him. He shared my father’s birthday.  He was a builder and I was a designer. We loved each other but drove each other nuts and I had to move across the country to leave him.

I punish myself for everything. I stay in bad relationships hoping it will get better. I punish myself for staying to long, or not staying long enough, for running. I know I need to stop this. I thought I was handling it until that night with Michael. But I know I need professional help to find my way back.

Hopefully I will survive intact.