And the waves came crashing down

Jonathan and I have been dating for a few months and things have been progressing smoothly. I find a sunny one bedroom in-law apartment in a contemporary home close to work, which is perfect for me. My ex and I are on friendly terms. All is good. But I do think of him at times of what we had and what we lost.

I have nothing bad to say about him, he’s a great guy, I’m just not marriage material, I’m can’t be who he wants me to me-Donna Reed-the Good Wife, working 9-5 Monday through Friday, vacation twice a year, dinner on the table when he gets home, sex twice a week and to bed by nine. Even though I work for a design firm, I work nights and weekends, when the clients are available. I’m a night owl and rarely have time to make dinner let alone have it ready for when he gets home. I love my work and apparently I can’t have both with him. Why am I the one who had to change? Why couldn’t he?

I want to be with someone who loves me for who I am and what I do. I want to be loved unconditionally with all my faults and I want to love unconditionally. I want someone who loves wild and passionate sex, someone who makes me dinner, someone who wants to travel-see the world (not just when he retires), someone who carries a great conversation, someone who makes me feel alive. What is so hard about that? Does he exist?

My soon to be ex-husband and I are friends. I help him get on Match.com. I write up his profile, take pictures of him and put him in the game. He’s quite the catch-tall, dark and handsome with a great job, a home and money in the bank. He’s every woman’s Prince Charming. He’s a cross between Donny Osmond and Rob Lowe. He’s sure to find a woman who he’s compatible with.

Our divorce is going smoothly, instead of lawyers squabbling over his, mine and ours, we have a mediator. Since I walked away it’s only fair that he gets the house and the furnishings and Mindy, our beloved dog. The horses are mine but he’s letting them stay until the divorce is final. He refinances the house and I walk away with $27,000. After 15 years together, seven years dating, two years living together and six years married-it’s over. All and all it was a safe marriage. I loved him and I wanted a family, something society tells us to do-the fairytale we all grew up on. I desperately wanted a loving family home-one that I was deprived of growing up. My childhood mimicked the movie “The War Of The Roses” I wanted what I did not have or so I thought.

After 5 years or marriage, we were going to have a family. A few months of trying, I was pregnant. We were ecstatic. If it was a boy it would be Joshua Morgan Kennedy and if it was a girl it would be Julia Morgan Kennedy. At twelve weeks we went in for the Ultra-sound but there was no heartbeat. What was supposed to be the happiest day turned out to be the worst. I had a D&C and we never tried again. We found out it was a girl and my heart broke. We never talked about it. I guess that was the start of the unraveling of our marriage. I realized I wasn’t cut out to be a mom or the perfect wife. For years I blamed myself for the loss. I became distant and threw myself into my work. I realized we were not compatible and I needed to be free. I couldn’t live this lie anymore. A child does not fix a broken marriage.

A year later, I remember sitting at my desk at work and saying to myself I just want to find someone to design and build with. This time I wasn’t looking for the fairytale I wanted a partner who wanted the same things I did. A few weeks later I met Jonathan, and that’s when the waves came crashing down.