It’s been a month since I left Big M in LA. Since then I’ve traveled around Oregon and Kauai. Now I’m heading back to New England for the Summer via Montana to see Big M. We’ve spoken almost daily. He drove his broken down van from LA to Whitefish, Montana. I can’t believe it didn’t break down going through those mountain passes. He made it safe and sound, however. I’m looking forward to seeing him again.
It’s close to midnight when I spot a Best Western in Kalispell, MT. I’m exhausted and in need of a good night sleep. Next day I’m seeing him. I awake to mooing and look out my window. You know when you are in Montana when your neighbors are cattle. I sext him:
Me: Morning Babe. I’m very wet, cum and fuck me.
Big M: Where’s my juicebox?
Me: I’m right next to you. I’m very horny. It’s been a while.
Big M: mmm..My cock is getting fuckin’ hard
Me: Cum to me and slide your big cock in…
Big M: I’m cummin’…
I head to the ranch where I will be staying for a week. I’m in awe over the beauty of the Rockies. Wow. I almost drive off the road looking at the snowcap mountains before me. I arrive and check in. I hear a familiar voice behind me and turn, its Mark. I smile and say:
He smiles and gives me a hug. He feels nice in my arms. I just want to fuck him.
They show me the ranch and then my quarters; The Appaloosa room is in the lower level of the main house is a small windowless room but it’s the cheapest. Anyways I’m only going using it for sleeping and fucking…purrfect..
Even though there are no guests staying at the ranch, No sleep overs-ranch rules, but they didn’t say he couldn’t fuck me and stay with me until 3am?
For the next week, we have fun. We hike in Glacier National Park, the natural scenery is amazing and ride horses to Canada. The mountain lakes are a beautiful turquoise blue. We play frisbee, eat at some wonderful restaurants and have great sex. Finally he’s doesn’t have pain in his neck, something is going right.
But there are moments where the dark clouds of foreboding play with Mark. He’s angry with his sisters because they don’t want us staying with them. I tell him I understand she doesn’t know me. He goes into a rage and starts punching his head. He’s so angry with her. Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. He scares me. He’s a raging lunatic. I try to calm him down but he continues. His face is beet red and his eyes are bulging. His face is distorted from his rage.
“Mark it’s okay. It’s not a big deal. We can stay at a hotel.” I say in a calming voice.
“No it’s not okay. You were the only one who was there for me in my darkest moment and you helped me. If her friend needed a place to stay and helped her out of a jam, I would let him stay with me!” He yells.
After a few minutes he turns into a little boy and starts sobbing and I hold him and rock him and tell him everything all will be okay.
He’s under a lot of stress due to his bills piling up. He doesn’t hold a gun to my head but his constant talking about his financial situation and the pleading in his eyes leads me to pay his bills. I have money from an inheritance and he is in need of financial stability so I pay the most pressing ones:
$750 to SAG for his membership good through November. If this doesn’t get paid now he will lose everything and reinstatement would be $3000. SAG card is vital to Actors/stuntman and those who work in the entertainment industry.
$285 to LA Superior Court. His speeding ticket he got when he was leaving me in Torrance CA.
$90 to the EDD Employment Development Department. They paid him too much and want their money back.
$217.93 to the ACSC taxes owed
$275 to the Unites States Treasury for back income taxes owed.
$650 I paid for his storage unit for 6 months in San Clemente, CA.
$100 I had to put in his BOA account because he was overdrawn (had to do that when I was on the road in Oregon)
$250 in cash back in Torrance CA to keep him safe for a few days.
Total: $2617.93 in real money not including food or lodging which came to another couple of grand. But I was trying to help him since he was my confidante, lover and friend.
I paid for all his meals and lodging. Of course he enjoyed my company he was living scott free.
His sister calls back and tries to let make him understand that she’s concerned about the dog who attacks Mark. He tells her that he will be careful and she finally gives in and let’s us stay for the weekend. We leave the ranch on Friday and head to his sisters for Mother’s Day weekend in Missoula. He drives the van and I drive my car since I’m heading back home.
His sisters live together and they are really sweet but they are at the end of their rope with him. They give me his history and it’s not pretty. He has always been this way. It’s not an occasional dark period it’s been a constant up and down struggle for him all his life. Now that he’s going to be 57 in the Spring, he has nothing to show for all his glory. It’s so depressing.
For a fleeting moment his troubles are gone and we hike the Big M. He’s so proud of the
college that his father went too. He shows me around. He’s like a school boy full of pride. I tell Mark that I would rather stay at a hotel for the night and not his sisters due to the dog and lack of privacy. We stay at the Holiday Inn Express in downtown for our last night together.
Best laid plans don’t always work out. Instead of having a great night we fight. He’s getting on my nerves with his buying habits. I feel resentment to dishing out the money trying to help him get back on his feet while he spends his own money on frivolous things. His whole lifestyle irritates me. We go to bed mad and wake up mad. It’s sad.
The next day is Mother’s Day and I’m leaving. I drop him off and say Goodbye to his sisters. I am feeling guilty for yelling at Mark and I apologize. We hug and kiss. He says he’s sorry for being such a loser. This makes me feel even more guilty.
“You’re not a loser. You’re just messed up.” I smile as I get into the car.
“I love you.” He says as he bends down and kisses me.
“Love you too. Take care of yourself. Okay?” I say as I look into his sad eyes.
“I will.” He smiles back at me.
I drive off with a heaviness in my heart.
After saying goodbye to Big M, I head to see my sister and husband in LA before my long drive back to Bend, Oregon. When one is in a car for hours the mind starts to wander. I think about the fun times; riding with him on the back of his motorcycle and getting off from the vibrations, giving him a blow job up in Palos Verdes Estates overlooking the ocean under the stars, and how he makes me so wet. The sex, even though he has issues he’s a wonderful attentive lover. We have a lot of fun and there is a lot of laughter.
But then there are dark moments that overshadow the sun. The day we met he hurt his neck and he was in agonizing pain which drove him to his knees. Then I think about all his emotional and financial baggage. My life has mirrored his and it scares me that I could end up like him, the man who lives in the van. Maybe that’s why we fight. He knows he has to straighten out his life before he can be in a solid relationship and I know that too. The Yin and the Yang. Drama is a constant in my life and I didn’t even take it in school. Oye.
We are apart for a month while I continue with my road trip. The following month we are meeting up again in Montana for 10 days at the dude ranch where he’s working as a wrangler. While we are apart we text/sext/IM almost every day.
Big M: miss u xoxo
Me: What part do you miss?
Big M: The wet juicy part..
Me: You always make me cum…
Big M: Yea and I gave you lots of cream..
Me: We all scream for ice-cream…Yum…LOL!
Big M: What cha doing darlin..Jacked off twice today…freekin horny today..he he xoxoxo
Me: Good boy, wish I was with you to lend a hand…
Big M: Hmm. I’m getting horny again.
Me: I can remedy that.
Big M: I want your tight.little juice box between your legs.
Me: I’m open for business cum on in…
Big M and I are in bed after making love, I look at the clock and it’s 10:15am, check out is 11am. We kiss and get out of bed and head for the shower. Our first and our last shower together for a long time. He lathers me up and washes me carefully and I do the same for him. We fuck one last time with the water pouring over us, so hot and erotic.
We jump out of the shower, and get ready. Looking around making sure we didn’t leave anything and we walk hand in hand out the door. There is a line at check out and I can see that he’s edgy. He says he has to meet his friend at the unemployment office at 11:30. I tell him to go. He pulls me close and passionately kisses me and walks away. I watch him disappear.
I check out and head for the car. As I’m about to leave, I see that he is calling my cell. I pick up and he’s frantic. Apparently he just got stopped for driving 76 mph in a 35 mph speed limit zone, which is serious business. WTF is wrong with this dude? Does he just like to piss away money he doesn’t have? I tell him to calm down and don’t argue with the cop. He says he’s got to go because the cop is coming back.
The queasy feeling is back in my stomach. This dude is on a self-destructive road and it breaks my heart. I wait in the garage as the minutes tick by. Finally he calls back and tells me the cop was nice enough not to impound his motorcycle or arrest him. He did receive a $275 speeding ticket. I tell him that I put $250 American Express Traveler Cheques in his motorcycle bag yesterday, so that should help him. He thanks me for putting up with him and being with him through this horrible time in his life. He is so upset and I just listen. He has a good heart but he’s a mess. He tells me he loves me and I tell him I love him too. The last words to me are: I will see you in Montana. I laugh and say goodbye.
I’m torn. I know I can’t stay but I’m worried about him. I wish I could help him but he has to do this on his own-get himself out of this financial mess. If I stayed I would be giving up my dream of traveling and finishing my 6 month solo road trip. Meeting Mark was an interesting experience. I had the time and the money, so what the hell. He is part of my life now and I will always remember him as the man who lives in the van.
I wake up on the day that I’m leaving for Bend Oregon, my eyes are puffy from crying. I think back to the previous days events of the fight, Big M leaving me, walking out of my life. I know he’s wrong for me, but for the last 2 weeks we were together 24/7. I’ve come to really care for him. He’s a down and out Actor/Stuntman living in a van with so much potential if he could just get one more commercial…
I roll over and his smell still lingers on the pillow. I breathe him in. As I get up I look around and see his phone charger and a few other items he left. I pick up my cell and call him and he answers. We talk and he says he’ll be over shortly. Half an hour later there’s a knock on my hotel door and I open it. I give him a big hug and hold him.
“I’m so sorry”. I say as I hold him.
“It’s okay I’m a broken down cowboy, I deserve it.” He says in a soft voice as he breaks away from me.
I watch him as he passes me. He looks dis-shelved. He picks up his stuff.
“Mark. Stay with me. We have a few more hours. Please don’t leave this way. Please? I plead.
His sad steel-blue grey eyes look at me and he nods and says “Okay”.
I smile and say: “If you want to take a shower or just lie with me you can?”Or, if you want to shower with me and make love to me, we can do that too.
He laughs as he comes over and hugs me. He feels good as he wraps his arms around me. We start kissing and I can feel him getting harder as I press myself against him. He smells good. He takes off my dress and caresses my breasts, kissing each one until they are hard mounds. My body responds to him and I moan. I’m very wet. I want him inside me.
I take off his shirt and unzip his jeans and slide them down his legs. Then I push him on the bed. I take off his motorcycle boots as he watches me. He’s fully naked and his manhood his straight and full. I watch him and smile, teasing him. I lean down and engulf his penis with my mouth. He let’s out a gasp. My tongue darts about touching it. My lips suckle his tip. My mouth moves back and forth from his base to the top sucking and caressing.
I watch him. His eyes closed and his teeth clenched. He tips his head down, opens his eyes and I smile. Then he grabs me and pulls me down. Now it’s his turn to pleasure me. His tongue darts in and out and suckles my clit. I can feel the tugging sensation with his lips and my body moves to him. I want him in me now.
“Fuck me Mark fuck me now.” I whisper as my back arches.
He gets on top of me and I help him guide him in. Slowly at first he thrusts. One, two, three he slowly goes in and out, then faster but controlled. I grab his ass and pull it towards me. I am so wet, I am cumming. My clit is pulsating and I can feel my walls gushing with liquid. I scream with pleasure. He feels so fuckin’ good.
He can’t control it any longer and I feel his sweet liquid pulsating through my body. We lie for a few minutes crumpled on top of each other.
“My juice box” He says with a grin. I kiss him and laugh.
I’m apparently a compassionate person because I should have said Hello, goodbye, nice meeting you, have a nice life, hope it all works out for you to Big M when I finally met him, but I didn’t. Instead I let him hang with me for two weeks in the Redondo Beach area (that’s where he is from). I felt guilty that I would be staying in nice places while he would be living in his Van, at Von’s parking lot. I do like him but he drives me nuts. Being thrown together with anyone, especially strangers 24/7 is extremely stressful. We went from online pen pals to living together. Now that would be a great Reality Show. What should we call it?
I figure, I’m on a 6 month solo road trip so I can chalk it up to experiences. He’s lived an exciting life as a Stuntman/Actor/Cowboy/Moto dude. Apparently I’m drawn to this type, bad boy. He’s also a pot head. I like pot on occasion but he takes a hit 5-6 times/day. He says it helps him relax and de-stresses him. He’s comfortably numb. It kind of turns me off. He doesn’t smoke cigarettes, take prescription pills, not much of a drinker and doesn’t do any other hard-core drugs, thank God. So I can’t complain about that. FYI: marijuana isn’t the gate way drug; alcohol, cigarettes and prescription drugs are. Let’s get that straight.
As Carrie from Sex & The City said about Big: “She’s addicted to the pain.” I think that sums up my life with men perfectly. I’m attracted to bad boys because they live life on the edge with passion and drama which makes me feel alive. Yep I admit it. I love the drama, the thrill, and the fantasy. I’m not alone here, we love the wild ones but discard the nice ones.
The Pro’s about Big M: He is very affectionate, always holding my hand and kissing me. The way he looks at me with those steel-blue eyes makes my heart skip a beat. He has a wonderful body, his abs are to die for, and he has a great smile. Plus even though he had that horrible accident with his penis, he actually is a great lover, who makes me very wet. I come every time.
I’m torn. We like each other a lot, but his behavior is driving a wedge between us. He wants to get himself out of this financial chaos he has created but he won’t do what it takes to do it. He says if he can only get one more commercial, he would get himself out of the deep hole. He should do an ice-cream commercial since that is his drug of choice. He’s moving to Montana in the Spring to work as a wrangler at a dude ranch for $1200/month. At least he will have a roof over his head and three square meals per day. It’s almost like jail but he has a bit more freedom.
We stay at the Marriott in Torrance, CA for the last two nights before I head back to Oregon. I actually call 15 hotels in the area and everything is full. Finally I find the Marriott. Oy! That’s stressful. Big M needs to go to his van and organize it since it’s a mess. I stay behind, because he needs to do this on his own. He takes his motorcycle. I hang out at the bar and by the pool. It’s alone time, aah.
I get a Cosmo martini but when the bartender gives it to me in a plastic cup it’s only 1/3 cup full. I stare at it and ponder; boy it looks awful tiny. I finally ask her what’s up with this $12 drink and she looks at me like I have two heads. She then snaps it up and puts in their martini glass and it fills right up. She says in a mocking tone: “See?” I just look at her. Wow. Deception.
She’s an A Hole. I don’t leave her a tip and complain to the manager about her rude behavior. I hang out by the pool enjoying the afternoon sun. Big M has been gone close to 4 hours. I envision him tackling his van and organizing it. I’m glad things are finally looking up. I can leave without worrying about him. I get a text from him telling me he’s on his way.
He meets me and we kiss. He looks depressed. He tells me that he went to his van and sat there for over an hour but didn’t do a damn thing. He then went to the gym and worked out for almost 2 hours and stopped at a burger joint on his way back. His only discipline is working out. If he could just apply that logic to the rest of his life he would be successful.
I realized then and there he will never change. He doesn’t have the drive to fix his life. He wants other’s to do it for him. No matter what I do for him he won’t take charge of his life and fix it. I finally see the light. He’s beyond hope.
I get up and tell him that I can’t help him anymore. I’m done. He’s dejected. We fight, well I yell and he just stares at me. We head up to the room on the 17th floor. He gathers his things and leaves. I don’t want him to go, I’m just venting. I beg him not to leave. I can’t bear that he will be in that van while I’m in this $200/night hotel room without him. He breaks my heart as he leaves with his guitar and backpack. How is he going to carry everything on his motorcycle? How?
He kisses me and walks out of my life.
I know it’s for the best, but I cry because I do care for him and he broke my heart. I cry for him, I cry for the loss of our friendship. I cry myself to sleep.