I remember the day that changed my life forever. I was in the kitchen with my husband. He was standing against the stove when I broke the news to him of my feelings for another man. I asked for a divorce. He just looked at me, as tears welled up in his eyes and shook his head. As he walked away he said “Okay, you win. I’m not going to fight you” I stood there watching him walk out the door. Finally, I was free.
I wasn’t thinking about how I hurt him or my immediate plans or my horses or my dog, or my living arrangements, or my life. I didn’t plan, I just mechanically went through the motions of numbness. I called my friend and told her what happened. She offered a place for me to stay while I sort things out. I packed a bag and left.
I was looking forward to a new chapter in my life with Jonathan. My dream of designing and building with a man who would be my business and intimate partner was what I wanted, or so I thought. I was banking on a fantasy. As children, we are led to believe that our Prince or Knight in shining armor will whisk us away and make everything all right. I was wrapped up in the fantasy.
Jonathan and I had plans to drive up the coast for the weekend. I called him and excitedly told him the news of my divorce. Silence on the other end. I thought I had a dropped call. The Verizon commercial “Can you hear me now?” resonated in my head. “Are you there?” I asked. Finally, the silence was broken.
“You’re married?” he asked.
I was dumbfounded. “I told you at dinner last night that I was and you said you couldn’t date someone who was married. Don’t you remember that?”
“What do you mean NO? I countered.
“We talked for hours and you never told me you were married”! he yelled.
I pulled the phone away from my ear as I looked at it in disbelief. WTF! “Yes, I did at the end of the night. We made plans for our future. We talked about designing and building together. We made arrangements to go away together. What is wrong with you? Do you have amnesia? I asked my husband for a divorce because I don’t believe in cheating and that’s all you can say to me? Are you serious?”
Again silence. “Hello”! I scream! No answer. I look at the phone and it says call failed. I’m beyond bullshit. I just threw my marriage away over a guy who has amnesia. What was I thinking?
He texts me a few minutes later telling me he’ll pick me up at 8 and we’ll talk. I reply, Okay and text the address. Thoughts are whirling around in my head. How could I be so naive? What foolish notions did I conjure up? Is he for real?!
When it comes to online dating you must ask yourself what do you want and who do you want from the experience. If you want to be successful with online dating you have to shake things up, starting with a great User Name and headline. I made up the name HotChild2012 from the song Hot Child in The City which many people remember and it was the year I started this dating blog.
A catchy username/headline is the same as going to the library, or renting a movie, and going through hundreds of titles until one piques your interest. You stop and look at the picture(s) on the front and back cover, then you read the summary or the first page. If all three interest you, you read it and or watch it.
Pictures tell a 1000 words but words help create the fantasies. Pictures and words together are like the pop up books we had as kids. As you turn the page the picture pops up creating a 3D effect and an unexpected wow factor which keeps us wanting more.
Creating the perfect written profile takes imagination. It should show who you are in a playful manner. Write from your heart, but don’t write a tear jerker. No one wants to hear about your troubles and your woes. Everything can have a positive spin. Humor is life’s antidote. Watch the comedians George Carlin, Robin Williams, Steven Wright, Julia Louis-Dreyfus and look how they take something serious and poke fun at it. It can be down right funny. We need humor in this day and age of the orange top dictator on the reality show: Who’s Coming to Dinner at the White House?
Pictures: Should be clear not blurry preferably not with other people. This confuses us; is that your wife, husband, lover? Crop them out. Also put recent pictures up, showing what you look like now, not from 20 years ago. There should be a few close ups showing your smile and your eyes, for those are the windows to your soul. There should also be pictures of your full body not pornographic but tasteful and fun. If you are a hiker post a picture of you hiking, if you sail show a picture of you on a sailboat and so on. Show them who you are and what you like to do.
Change the order of your pictures and add or delete them. Each time you change something in your profile it refreshes it and more people look at it. Always show your best picture first this is what draws them in, followed by the 2nd and 3rd best since everyone clicks on the pictures first.
The following is my written profile: I tell them who I am with humor. There are some serious undertones but the humor masks it and makes them laugh and they message me.
Heading to check out the coast of Washington. This free spirit is On The Road Again but not with Willie. Writing about her adventures on the road less traveled.
Does anyone remember laughter?
Where’s that confounded bridge?
Who’s rowing today Jimmy?
Who said that? From what songs? And what albums? You’ll earn gold stars for all the correct answers.
Re: FWB’s read down:
As Mr. Big says to Carrie: “Sometimes you just want to be with the one who makes you laugh.
I’m everything and nothing all at once. Can you handle me? I’ve been called a Wild Child, Bohemian, Enigma just don’t call me Donna Reed or Ma’am or label me, I’m not a can of soup.
Summer is here and I’m looking for an activity partner to hike, kayak, explore, dance the night away. Run wild by my side, enjoy the time we have. Or if we connect on a sexual level then that would be mighty fine as well but on a longer ride.
Here’s my little ditty regarding …:
I’m the one you never met,
But once you meet me
I’m the one you’ll never forget
I’m the woman of your desire
The one who will make your mind spin
I’m the woman who will set your heart on fire
If you’ll only, let me, in…
That’s all folks, stage left
PS. I love my 420…And I’m not talking about the area code. Granted when I first saw it I did wonder what part of the country it was.
But wait there’s more:
FWB aka NSA: Great Fantasy but it’s a Fallacy:
Only way it works if both parties don’t give a flying hoot about each aka void of emotional intimacy. That’s a fairytale because eventually someone falls for the other and it’s goodbye.
I love my freedom but I also love intimacy with the one I care about. I guess that’s a double edge sword. We all look great on paper (well most of us except for the faceless creatures & those who write nothing) but finding the one we want to know and enjoy being with is quite another experience.
Even though we lead busy lives I want someone who wants to make time for me and I will do the same for you. I want to be the great book you can’t put down and you are in full anticipation to see where the story leads. Every bend, every curve you want to explore the journey with me.
I’m of Transylvanian descent and a true Scorpio; that sums me up perfectly. Ha!
I’m worth the journey. Are you?
What I’m doing with my life
Enjoying this chapter in my life in the Rocky Mountain high: traveling, exploring, designing (helping people live the way they want in the now and the future), writing…living life on my terms…
I’m really good at
Do I earn a Gold Star if I tell?
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Wait a minute I have to go check my record collection, be back in a …
Six things I could never do without
I always wondered why 6? Is that the magic number? 4 and 7 and 11 are mine.
I spend a lot of time thinking about
-Lobster Bisque (for those who are Seinfeld connoisseurs)
-What adventure awaits me.
On a typical Friday night I am
Whatever I want to do. It’s still a free country even though nut job is on the Toilet!
You should message me if
If you want to do more than window shop…knock on my door and say hello. I might just be home to open it.
Now that Trevor is gone I decide to move my zip code to LA to check out the online dating scene there. That’s where the beautiful, talented people are and I want to be part of it. Granted, I’m not physically in the town of cellulite heroes but emotionally, I am.
All of a sudden in less than 24 hours I get 100 likes. Over 900 likes in less than one month. Wow, that’s a record for me! The euphoria sets in which takes my mind away from him. Hey we all like to be popular, even though many of us deny it, we like the attention that is bestowed on us.
I equate it to TV show ratings. The more likes a show receives the longer it stays on the air. We are a society of wannabe popular folks. Look what happens when people like our FaceBook and other social media posts. From an early age we have birthday parties, Prom King and Queens, Homecoming Queens to Most Popular in our Yearbooks. Those who are popular get picked for everything, remember gym class? Pick me pick me. None of us wanted to be the last person standing in line. People flock to those who are well liked. It’s a pecking order.
As a child I was extremely shy and was not part of the elitist group of popular kids. At 5’8″ tall I was a scraggly 108 pounds. I felt like the ugly duckling, very unsure of myself and my looks. I never wore dresses because I was so skinny. I remember playing softball and this bully named Kim yelled “Hey Ostrich Legs” to me while I was batting. I still remember the sting of her words.
I was not asked to the prom nor did I have a boy friend in high school. I was an introvert with a small group of close knit friends. Even though I lost my virginity at the age of 17 to a lobster boy on an island in Maine I was not a popular kid in my hometown.
In September of 1984 after graduating from high school I moved to Fort Lauderdale and worked as a manager for my sisters friend. This is where I became a Wild Child. No one knew me and I was able to reinvent myself. The ugly duckling turned into a swan. I had a new persona and confidence in myself. Men wanted me and I wanted them. I couldn’t get enough. I guess I was making up for lost time.
Maybe that’s why I choose online dating as a platform for conversing with men. As I lick my wounds, and say the word NEXT! I’ll show the world I’m liked. My pride and ego are at stake and being liked by strangers heightens my confidence on the dating circuit. After a few days of being bombarded by men, however, I’m becoming bored of the city of beautiful people and its time to move on to new cities and adventures.
Trevor just informed me that he is going back to Arizona sooner than expected and isn’t sure when he will be back. He has to help his dad out and he’ll be traveling to see clients in the area. I thought he was going to be here until September but he’s leaving in a few days. Ugh!
We just spent a fantastic week together enjoying each other’s company, chilling, having fun, laughing, having amazing sex in all the unusual places. Sunday I met his friends and we tubed down the river which was my first time. It was a blast. My walls are coming down, not all the way down, but down. The problem is that I really like him.
I’ve been on a number of first dates in the past but when it comes to second dates from an online dating site that is a totally different story. I know it’s been a short time but we have been conversing since July 7 when he first contacted me. I’m outside his mileage area but when he was in my area he saw my profile and felt the need to invade my head.
We are great on paper and in person and that is very hard to find. I didn’t want to have this conversation so soon; where are we going? I told him what I was looking for: One person to be intimate with, to enjoy each other’s company. He agreed but didn’t want to hurt me. Apparently looking back I did all the talking and he just listened.
As I said goodbye to him I should have listened to the red flags. When I said casually “When you are in town give me a call, I would love to get together.”
“I’m not sure when that will be since I have so much stuff going on.” He said looking away avoiding my eyes.
Hmmm I thought. I looked at him as I kissed him goodbye, got in my car and drove off. I get it now, he was just looking for a good time even though he wrote in his profile that he was looking for one person in his life. I guess I’m not the one. I get it and it hurts.
That afternoon he text me a polite note: “Hope your adventures were fun today. I’m about to jump in the river. Then visit friends. Up early to head to AZ.”
I replied back with pictures of my adventures which included an old shoe with a nice text: Did you lose your shoes? Just finished the tour of the ghost town. Love the his/her story & architecture. Thank you for the 3 hour tour. I’m glad I met you and enjoyed chilling with you, you’re a cool dude. Safe journey, my friend.”
I also sent him a voice recording since I was driving: “I’m glad you knocked on my door and I was home to answer it. Even though it was a short time together, I really like you and I just want you to know that. Safe trip my friend and lover boy.”
He never replied. This morning I saw that he changed cities on Ok Cupid. Boy that was quick. I get it. I really do.
I sent him a nice text this morning: “Morning. I hope you had a safe journey. I checked out the caverns yesterday, very cool. Good to be home for 1 day before next guests arrive. Take care my friend, hope you find who you are looking for. -Mrs Robinson.
No reply. He’s the guy who has his phone attached to his side. I could make excuses for him why he hasn’t responded twelve hours later, but I know: He’s just Not That into me.
I will chalk it up to a good time had by all and move on.
I met Trevor on OkCupid an online dating site. We have many mutual interests. He is a great guy and the more time we spend together the more I like him. He’s kind, funny, articulate, compassionate, has his act together, is financially secure, loves the outdoors, travels to beautiful places and is great in bed. The way he looks at me makes me melt. It’s as though his blue eyes are looking deep into my soul.
He’s everything I want in a man. But, there is always a caveat. He travels a lot for work since he’s a sales manager for the western states. That doesn’t bother me too much since I’m busy with my own life. The problem is that he lives in southern Arizona in the winter and will be leaving in September. It’s mid July and we have less than two months to enjoy each other. We haven’t talked about it, but it’s the big white elephant in the room.
The question is: Do I want to get involved with a man who is leaving? My heart tells me to enjoy the time we have together but my mind is telling me to put up my walls, since heartbreak is on the horizon.
There’s a great line in the song “Tomorrow” by Bob Seger; “I can’t promise you tomorrow. No one has the right to lie.” It is the truth. We can’t control what happens in the future, we can only live in the now.
That is easier said than done. In one of the questions on OkCupid, his answer to marriage is No, but he wants to find someone to settle down with. We are both divorced and neither of us want to marry again.
What is he expecting that the woman will give up her life to be with him? I can’t stand Phoenix, and I’m not a fan of the desert. I love greenery, the ocean, mountains, lakes, rivers, diversity. The desert is a great place to visit for a week but to live?
I know our relationship is in its infancy but thinking about September is looming in my mind. Do I talk to him about it now or let it go and enjoy the time we have together?
I met Mitch on an online dating site a year ago. He’s 20 years younger than me but he, like many younger men, like older women. It’s the Mrs. Robinson scenario and I do play that up. We’re both in the same profession and he has a nice body, tall, lean and good looking in a boyish way. We went out a few times in the summer, hiking and kayaking enjoying each other’s company.
The way he looked at me I could tell that he wanted more than a platonic friendship. On a hot summer day while hiking in the mountains, he offered his hand while I climbed over a log. As soon as he grasped it he pulled me in and kissed me. His sweaty body glistening in the sunlight felt warm against my skin. I responded in kind and in the middle of the woods we explored each other’s bodies.
We sexted over the next couple of months but didn’t see each other until my birthday in November. I texted him asking if he would like to do something with me.
He replied: ” Yes and no, I’ve started talking to a girl I’m gonna pursue at the moment. I would like to come over and play games with you but it might have to wait for the future.”
“Oh ok, it’s my bday & I wanted you to play with me. I hope it works out for you with her.
“Ooo happy birthday. Well you remember our conversation on monogamy and how difficult it naturally is?
“Yes. But if she’s the one I will step aside.”
“Well I just started getting excited. Hot in the kitchen and thinking of you. Home alone tonight too.”
“Yep naked under the sheets watching Camelot waiting for Lancelot to ravish me.”
“Wait naked? I want a peek.”
“But your maiden is waiting for you and I’m just a damsel undressed.”
“Not all knights are wearing a shining armor some of us get dirty.”
“How dirty do they get?”
“And even a gentlemen couldn’t resist helping a damsel undressed on her birthday.”
“Do you clean up nicely? And would you hate me or yourself in the morning if you came to my bed knowing you are pursuing another? What say you?”
“I think I might hate myself if I don’t.”
“Then cum over and bring your condoms.”
“Well ok then. I like the fantasy roll play you have going on. I’m imagining you opening the door with a flowing robe barely exposing wearing some very sexy lingerie.”
“LOL. You can christen my tiny abode.”
“I don’t think I should spend the whole night though, I may leave very early in the am.”
“That’s fine you can climb down the ladder to your charger and ride off into the sunset. Or follow the North Star to safety.
Does the fair maiden feel like she is a damsel because she is in need of a contractor?
“No. In need of a man.”
“Well, I happen to be both.”
“I’ve always wanted to role play where I’m there to check your sink plumbing, corny I know. You answer looking incredibly sexy, small talk, I check out your sink, you get both of us wet when I ask you turn it on, hopefully you have water and a sprayer. You insist I get out of wet clothes and…
“Hmmm…Lancelot, get on your charger and follow the long drive until you will see my gold chariot next to my home. Your mistress is waiting.”
I’ve been single a couple of months and have been chatting with a few guys online. One guy has sparked my interest after many exchanged written words. I guess this is the same as they did back before the technology when people actually wrote their feelings and desires, goals, adventures.
We exchange cell numbers and speak via vocal chords for almost two hours. He’s creative and a writer. We have similar interests and the conversation flows easily. He’s helping a friend out with a business, 4 hours away from me.
On one hand that’s not too far but on the other it is. We haven’t met but I’m drawn to him. I have learned, however, that many of us look fantastic on paper. The challenge is meeting in person and having both sexual and emotional chemistry where we are compatible with each other. And wanting to see each other again. I seem to end up having a lot of platonic male friends because I’m not attracted in person.
I like sexting with a guy who I’m attracted to. It’s a dance where we tell each other our desires and our inhibitions are mute.
I text him: Can you come out and play?
He responds: I would love to come out and play. How about a soak in a hot springs with me?
Me: Hmmm…(I send him a picture of my Ass wearing a Victoria Secret’s bikini) and write: No butts about it I would love to join you.
Him: Mmmmm..you’re yummy. You have a beautiful bottom, baby. I could spend all day worshipping your body.
Me: How would you worship my body?
Him: I’d begin early and proceed slowly. With your naked body laying body laying next to me I’d gently trace every part of you with my hands and my lips, breathing you in, tasting you, savoring each curve of your soft silky skin.
Me: Hmmmm…I breathe you in feeling your body close to me. I close my eyes and follow your touch as it explores me for the first time.
He sends me a soft core black and white picture of a woman and man embraced in a sexual position.
Me: Beautiful soft-core erotica. As I straddle you, feeling your hardness, I slowly guide you pulling you deep inside of me, circling…
Him: Hmmm…I like you even more hot child…I think we have all the chemistry we want.
After breaking up with Michael, I’ve been single for a few months and figured its best to get back into the game. I’m a woman who loves the company of men; not just for dating but for platonic friendship. Plus, summer is coming and its time for me to get out of my isolated cocoon.
In order to present oneself in a favorable light, it’s important for the online written profile to be filled with humor. Both sexes like that, but men especially like drama free. Granted if you don’t want drama don’t create it, but that is for another blog.
Pictures tell a story and as we know most scan the pictures before reading the profile. Some send a line without reading. You know who those are? They are the ones who say Wow you’re beautiful or Hi. Apparently the one word email is not going to get them very far unless their profile offers something to be said in return.
Pictures should create a story of what you want to present to the online dating world. That being said, I like to post pictures of me doing various activities such as hiking, riding horses, traveling. Some of them I’m smiling, some of them I’m not. I do have a selfie because that is a requirement in the online dating world.
The main profile picture should be a close up of the face. I switch them around every few weeks to freshen up the profile. When you update your profile, all of a sudden you get more people looking at your site. So that being said the following is my online profile:
Mrs. Robinson looking for a lover who will drive me crazy.
Marriage is a 3 ring circus. First comes the engagement ring then comes the wedding ring then comes the suffering. Lol.
Not looking to be tamed…Run wild by my side…Enjoy me for who I am and I will do the same for you.
Just came back from a 5 week trains, planes & automobile journey chilling with friends & family. I’m like the Johnny Cash’s song “I’ve been everywhere man”
Rambling girl: I love my road trips the best, meeting new people, seeing beautiful natural landscapes and creating memories. I am told I’m the nomadic wanderer, free spirit, enigma and a wild child. Just don’t label me, I’m not a can of soup.
I live in a tiny home on wheels which I’ve designed and helped build. I’m writing and taking pictures of my adventures-writing a book about it. I might be coming to your neighborhood soon. So if you see that I change cities, this is why.
Who comes up with the silly questions? Get real! NEXT! I’m looking for an Activity Partner…Show me the town, hike, ride horses, kayak, etc.
I’m looking for an adventurous passionate spirit who can travel light.
Can you ride a horse? If you can ride a motorcycle you can ride a horse, just lean into the curve…I am in need of a riding partner. If you are under 200 pounds and as Jimi Hendrix said: “Are You Experienced?”
Do you know how to use your Vocal chords? If you do you will earn a gold star. I’m not a huge fan of pen pals, like the voice and the face much better.
Are you in 3D? I am…
Does anyone remember laughter? Plus Plus.
Sit back and enjoy the ride…Oh and leave your GPS at home.
What’s up with the guys with body parts or sunset pictures? Don’t be shy Show Face real face-your face. If I can do it so can you! This ain’t no Phantom of the Opera or Beauty and the Beast!
I’m a true Scorpio and of Transylvanian descent…Do I need to say more?
When I first saw the numbers 420 my first thought was what area code is that? I could have had a V8. I do like it especially the edibles yum
What’s up with all these fish pictures? Is this a fishing site where we reel them in? As Steven Wright says: There’s a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot. Haha.
On a serious matter: I’m a proud card-carrying SnowFlake who is quite tolerant and easy-going except if you voted for the lying, incompetent, narcissistic bully aka the orange top quack who is in bed with Putin. Do NOT say hello. Go directly to jail; do not pass go, and do not collect $200.
That’s all for now folks, stage left.
I figure it must be successful since almost 2600 guys like me. I average 155 visitors per week and I get a lot of messages. Stay tuned until next week when I discuss the weeding factor. Happy sailing.
Michael and I have been together for almost a year and living together for the last 5 months. He is my best friend and I love him but his mood swings are more than I can bear. Going off his medications does not help our relationship nor does it help his work. He’s spiraling out of control. I plead with him to go see his doctor but he refuses. He rather self medicate by drinking alcohol and smoking weed. He’s also smoking cigarettes again, something I detest.
I try to help but he pushes me away. Even when I try to talk to him calmly, he rolls his eyes, abruptly gets up and walks out of the room, slamming the door. It has reached a point where I realize no matter how much we love each other love isn’t enough to keep us together. Looking back at our relationship it has been rocky from the start.
We’ve had our share of fights. I know I’m not an angel and my insecurities in the past have caused a lot of grief but I’ve worked on it. I know now he would never cheat on me but I don’t know what is worse? One who cheats with another or leaves emotionally?
I know he’s really been down since he has writer’s block so I tell him about a creative writing course at the local college, which could help him with his writing, something which he is passionate about. Oh my, it’s almost as though I insulted him.
“Who the fuck do you think you are?” he screams at me.
“Michael, I just thought”.
“You think I can’t write?” he says as he jumps up and comes towards me his eyes showing his fury.
“No! That’s not what I said! I said” but he cuts me off again.
His face is inches from mine. I can see his anger as he shouts obscenities at me, telling me to fuck off and mind my own business.
“Know what Michael? Fuck you! I’m done with this so called relationship. You’re a fucking limp dick!” I scream as I jump up. “Fuck you Fuck you Fuck you! Asshole!” I yell as I give him the middle finger.
I grab my jacket, cell phone, pocketbook and keys and run out jumping in my car. I peel out of the driveway. I don’t care if anyone hears me. I drive for a while too mad to go anywhere. My phone is ringing but I refuse to answer it. When I’m really mad I can’t talk, what’s the point? I drive for a few hours with the music blaring. Finally I see a Holiday Inn Express sign and pull in. I can’t go back to him, so I book a room for the night and turn off my phone.
Once inside my room, I strip and take a long hot shower trying to clear my head. The hot water feels good against my skin and I start to relax. The last couple of months I felt as though I was walking on eggshells with him and now this fight is the final blow. I can’t do this to myself anymore. I just can’t.
I dry off and get into bed but my mind starts to race. I love him, but I realize I love myself more. Finally, I drift off to sleep. When I awake it’s 9am. I stretch and get up. I turn on my cell and scan the messages. Fifteen voice mail messages and ten text messages, all from Michael. The first few messages he’s telling me to fuck off, but by the end he’s apologetic: Passive Aggressive.
I know I can’t be with him anymore. I can’t be with someone who is bi-polar. Finally with resolve I drive back to our home. As I pull into the driveway I feel a sudden sense of dread. I unlock the front door and walk in. Michael is sleeping on the couch, dozens of beer cans are scattered on the floor. I watch him sleep. He looks so peaceful. I’m afraid to wake him not knowing how he will react if he sees me.
As I turn, I hear him stir, but he doesn’t wake up. I tip toe to the bedroom, grabbing my suitcases from the closet and I start packing my belongings. Lost in thought I’m startled by a voice and jump.
“I’m sorry, I don’t know why I jumped down your throat” he says with pleading in his eyes.
I look at him warily. “I love you but I can’t do this anymore.” I say as I continue to pack.
“I know, I need help. I will do anything to keep you from leaving me”
“Michael. I think we need time apart. You’ve got to find a way to get better on your own. You’ve got to do this for yourself.”
“I know but please stay.”
“I need to move out. I’ll arrange for a mover to take my things.” I say with resolve avoiding his eyes.
“I’m sorry” he says as he looks at the floor.
“You know I love you, but I can’t do this anymore. I just can’t”. I say as I walk over to him and hug him.
“I know”. He says as his voice trails off.
We hold each other tight for a while before we let go and look at each other. My heart goes out to him. I just want to hold him forever, but I know he will relapse into his own world. It’s best that we go our separate ways.
I pick up my suitcases and walk to the door.
“I’m leaving town for a while to help my sister, Julia. I think its best if we don’t communicate. I hope you find your way Michael, I really do.” A smile escapes my lips.
My lover who suffers from bipolar and holiday blues can’t deal with anyone’s drama so he ended our relationship. He’s going to be an island for a while. I told him I would not visit his island. We left it on good terms, but I still feel resentful to the way he ended it. He does not know that though, my girlfriends on the other hand do, since I vent to them.
He was fantastic in November which I call Sweet November. Only one time was he a prick and he text me the next day apologizing for his behavior. I know he warned me about his holiday blues, but I was not prepared for the depth of his moodiness and withdrawal into his own world. He was a full blown dick in December except when he was with me and my horses. He was so gentle with them, it melted my heart. Why couldn’t he be that way with me?
I was willing to forgive him for being a prick because I knew somewhere deep inside there was a kind, fun soul. I was hoping that in January we could wipe the slate clean and start over. He withdrew even further after the New Year to a place I could not reach.
Apparently he could not forgive me for trashing his porch when I was irrationally drunk thinking that he was having sex with my friend. I had a full blown anxiety attack. In retrospect I should not have asked him if he wanted to fuck my girlfriend and he should never have said yes. That was our downfall. Funny I could forgive his grizzly bear persona but he could not forgive mine.
Even though he was my lover/activity partner which meant no commitment I was jealous. I realized I liked him more than a friend and I do not play fair with other women in my sandbox. FWB’s do not work, it’s a lie. If we were in a committed relationship I would be secure knowing he wanted only me, but that was not to be.
I recently left New England and drove cross country to end an 11 year on and off again volatile relationship with Alex. My reasoning: I can’t go over to his house with this much distance between us. He was passive aggressive with Bipolar tendencies and we fought constantly: Leo’s and Scorpio’s do not mix. We loved and hated each other, but the make up sex was great. Maybe that’s why we kept on going back.
I should never have become involved so quickly with Michael. I should have let myself heal before I became involved with another man. I told him the first day we met that we would be platonic friends. I caved that night when he looked deep into my soul with his blue eyes. I should have known. I should have run. Should of, would of, could of…
The world of dating is filled with mixed signals especially when it comes to what people say, do or not do. We end up reading between the lines and sometimes those lines are blurred. When it comes to texting our interpretations are based on insecurities. That’s why one has to put smiley faces at the end of the sentences so the other person understands what is being implied.
When I text and say; “I hope you have a great 2016 and I hope you find what and who you are looking for…” Does that mean I’m breaking up with the other person? What does the receiving party think? Could it simply mean; I hope you find happiness? Is there always a double meaning?
Since we now do a majority of communication via texting instead of using our voices, our rate of error to what the other person means jumps 200%. When I ask if I can pick up my map book and bandana does that mean I’m cutting ties with you?
I need my map book to understand the area so I don’t get lost. I need my bandana to keep me warm. That’s all, it’s not a sign we are breaking up. But when you then drop the items off in a bag on my door step without a note or a call, it’s a little unnerving. When I peek inside and I see that you included my toothbrush which I left at your house when I sleep over what do you think my reaction will be?
I didn’t ask for that toothbrush back. What are you trying to tell me? Are you breaking up with me? Giving a toothbrush back is a statement and not a good one. Negative connotations ring through one’s head.
It reminds me of the episodes on Sex & The City when Big drops off items that Carrie left at his apartment and when Berger breaks up with Carrie on a Post-It. What kind of communication is that?
Talking to girlfriends is our best defense. They always know the right words to say. My friend Alise who has the manic depressed boyfriend told me to text Michael the following;
“Thanks for dropping off my stuff. I noticed you also gave me back my toothbrush…Should I read anything into this?…Are we still good? Are you ok?”
I click send. An hour goes by and nothing. Finally I’m talking to my other girlfriend on the phone and Michael plays his turn on WordFeud, but no answer to my text. Hmmm… A few minutes later he texts back:
“Sorry I just need some time on my own for a while to figure things out and get into a routine. I can’t deal with anyone else’s drama except for my own. I’m going to be an island for the month of January. Thanks for understanding.”
I wait a few minutes, gathering my thoughts and reply back:
“I’m going to get some help with my anxiety attacks and go on meds for them. I’m freaking out as well with my horse, finances, sister having cancer. I just left a volatile relationship of 11 years so I got issues as well. I hope you know that I have good qualities that outweigh the bad. You are a great guy. I won’t go to your island. I hope we can start anew in the Spring when we are in better places…Take care.”
His last response to me: “Cool thanks. I think you are very talented and smart. I just need to take care of myself for a while.”
I read it. Finally, a form of communication that I understand.
I recently moved to a small northwestern town in the Rocky Mountains. I live in a 400 sf loft condo near the top of a ski mountain 4500 feet above sea level. I’m far away from my friends and family. My new lover has the Holiday Blues and does not want my company. My girlfriend doesn’t want to make the journey up the treacherous mountain road to see me nor do I want to drive down, so I’m alone for Christmas.
The day before I drop off Christmas presents to Michael. I make the effort to make something for him. I enlarge a photo he loves and frame it along with a calendar of my travel pictures. He meets me at the door but doesn’t invite me in. I hand him his presents and he says thank you. We chat for a few minutes then he reaches for something which I think is a present, but it’s a white cotton pad for my injured horse.
That’s my gift? That’s it? He couldn’t even be bothered to get me a card? I’m annoyed. After everything I’ve done for him he gives me zilch, zero, zippo, notta, nothing. So he has the holiday blues? So what! I kiss him, say Merry Christmas and leave. I’m annoyed.
At first I resent him for being a jerk but now that it’s Christmas, I’m trying to make the best of it. I’m not going to let him ruin my Christmas. Just because I’m alone doesn’t mean I am lonely. Granted it would be nice to be with someone I care about, but that’s not meant to be.
It’s all a state of mind, I tell myself. I can be miserable or I can make the best of it. Society tells us that we must be with people during the Holidays. We must buy tons of non wanted presents and spend money for people who don’t appreciate us. I nix that idea and do it my way.
It’s snowing and white Christmas is upon me. Instead of being miserable I decide to enjoy my down time. I make a list of all the positive things about being alone on Christmas:
I get to watch all my favorite Christmas shows without being interrupted.
I don’t have to shhhh anyone.
I don’t have to hear snide remarks from others about what I’m watching such as A Year Without A Santa Claus-now that’s a great show.
I get to make desserts and lick all the spoons and bowls without having to share with others.
I can be in my pajamas all day or run around naked.
I don’t have to clean 6 inches of snow off my car and drive down the snowy mountain road holding my breath.
I can listen to any music I want without being criticized for my selection.
I can sing at the top of my lungs off key and no one judges me
I can eat what and when I want since there is no set agenda.
I can make my own fire in the wood stove and curl up on the couch without sharing it with anyone.
I can make a mess and not worry about cleaning it up for guests
I can call all my friends and family without being rude to guests
I can dance like Elaine from Seinfeld without being ridiculed
I don’t have to visit people and make small talk with strangers
Did I miss anything? Probably, but there’s always next year. So for all those who spent Christmas alone, I salute you even the Scrooges out there. Hah you didn’t ruin my Christmas! Bah Humbug!
A male friend of mine recently called me a MILF. I had to think about what that meant. I asked a girl friend who clued me in. She said it’s Moms I’d Like to Fuck. Hmmm. Well, I’m not a Mom so technically I can’t be called one. I don’t care for that term.
This got me thinking about what boys or men think of older sexy women. Women who date younger men are called a variety of terms; Cougar, MLF, MILF, slut, whore, promiscuous, Wild Child, to name a few.
What are men called if they date younger women? Playboys, Gigelos? Are men sluts, whores, Wild Childs, or are they promiscuous? How about if we call them FLF (Fathers who Like to Fuck) or FILF (Fathers I’d Like to Fuck)? Let’s level the playing field when it comes to labels.