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HotChild2012 – Dating or Whatever We Call It

Dating experiences with an edgy twist

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Relationships

The Kiss: Dating or Whatever We call it

HotChild2012“The Kiss”

I take your hand and lead you to the dance floor

wrapping my arms around you as you pull me close

“I want to kiss you all over” by Exile is playing in the background.

I brush my lips against your cheek and suckle your earlobe.

You let out a low groan.

I can feel your penis harden as you pull me closer to you.

With eyes closed, I slowly make my way to your neck,

Kissing you ever so softly.

Feeling my way to your lips.

My mouth touches yours.

We kiss, my tongue cautiously enters.

Prodding, feeling my way into the darkness.

Our tongues meet and become as one

dancing, caressing.

Wanting more, our souls yearn to love again…

To My Passionate One,

Love,

Me

 

 

Crossing The Line: Dating or Whatever We Call It

Cheating and the rocky road
The Perfect Storm: Cheating and the rocky road

I remember sitting in my office designing a kitchen when I said to myself, “I want to be with someone who shares my passion for design and build.” Within two weeks I met Jonathan and my life changed forever. I should have remembered the old adage: Watch what you wish for it might just come true.

I was married at the time to a wonderfully sweet but dull man. We were together for 15 years. The fire had died, and the last remaining embers turned to ash. I loved him but I wanted what he would not give me. But that is a whole other story which I will share with you at another time.

I remember the first time I saw Jonathan as I was walking to my car. He was talking to another cabinet installer. He was so cute. I could have run up and squeezed him. As he smiled his hazel eyes twinkled.  Something about him made my heart race. I was drawn to him, no pun intended. I had a crush.

I know it was wrong but for years I wanted a divorce. I wanted to be free, but I could never leave for the sake of leaving. Enter, another man. I’ve never cheated and I don’t believe in it, but having feelings for someone other than my husband to some could be considered cheating. I wasn’t thinking about the consequences, the fallout, I was just doing.

For the next few months, Jon and I speak professionally.  It’s my job as a designer to discuss the design with the cabinet installer. What’s the harm in that? I can’t get him out of my head. Our conversations are lengthy, he’s a talker. My husband, on the other hand, is a man of few words, the strong silent type.

I remember having Thanksgiving with my husband’s family and realizing that this was going to be the last time we would be together. It was melancholy.  I said farewell to those I cared for.

The following day the storm blew in.  I had to meet Jon at a building site. We ended up talking for 6 hours, this time our conversation took a more personal tone. We talked about everything except who we were involved with. It turns out our backgrounds are similar, products of divorce. He shares the same birthday as my dad. Both are Leo’s, that should have been a red flag, but I was too caught up in the fantasy. Through the conversation, I found out that we were both heading to San Diego in the same week in December. I thought that was fate. How ironic? We laughed.

As I was heading to Chicago Uno’s I called my husband to let him know I was meeting a friend for dinner and I would be late. I told him not to wait up for me. As I hung up a tinge of guilt came over me but I shrugged it off, my marriage was over.

As the night progressed and the drinks flowed, I said in passing that I was married. He said he couldn’t date someone who was married. I wanted him, but I could not carry on an affair. I was crossing into cheatingville.

As we walked to my car, we hugged and kissed.  I know it was wrong, but I couldn’t help myself. My husband never kissed me and I longed for the affectionate passionate kiss. It was nice.

The next day I confessed to my husband and I asked for a divorce…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

OkCupid Revisited​: Dating or Whatever We Call It

 

IMG_5472After a break from online dating, I’ve gone back to it. Call me a sucker, I know. I guess I like the attention from the opposite sex. I wrote a new profile which I update from time to time. Apparently, it works, since I’m up to 3323 likes and counting.

For shits and giggles this is it:

Is it me or is it Memorex but that confounded Discover pop up Ad drives me crazy forcing me to wait 5 seconds before I can click Skip! Can you relate? And this new platform is ridiculous! What is OkCupid thinking? I think they should have had a V8!

This free spirit is On The Road Again but not with Willie. Writing about her adventures on the road less traveled In The Company of None. If you see that I change cities it’s because I’m checking out the scene.

I’m not sure who wrote this but I think it’s hysterical. “Marriage is a 3 ring circus. First comes the engagement ring, then comes the wedding ring, then comes the suffering.” Can you relate? Been there done that. So I can commit to a mental institution aka marriage. JK.

Does anyone remember laughter? Where’s that confounded bridge? Who’s rolling today Jimmy? Who said that? From what songs? And what albums? You’ll earn gold stars for all the correct answers.

As Mr. Big says to Carrie: “Sometimes you just want to be with the one who makes you laugh. I’m everything and nothing all at once. Can you handle me? I’ve been called a Free Spirit, Wild Child, Bohemian, Enigma, just don’t call me Donna Reed or Ma’am or label me, I’m not a can of soup.

I’m looking for an activity partner or lover (who will drive me crazy) to hike, kayak, explore, dance the night away, converse, laugh with that Abbi Normal kind of way. I gravitate towards the creative, artistic and passionate souls.

As Bob Seger sings: “I can’t promise you tomorrow, no one has the right to lie” From the song Tomorrow”. Run wild by my side but don’t try to tame me and I might stick around. I love my freedom but I also love intimacy with the one I care about. I guess that’s a double edge sword.

We all look great on paper (well most of us except for the faceless creatures but finding the one we want to know and enjoy being with is quite another experience. Even though we lead busy lives I want someone who wants to make time for me and I will do the same for you. I want to be the great book you can’t put down and you are in full anticipation to see where the story leads. Every bend, every curve you want to explore the journey with me.

On that note:

I’m of Transylvanian descent and a true Scorpio; that sums me up perfectly. Ha! I am a proud carrying Snowflake. If you are a Trump supporter, Do Not Say Hello. Do Not Pass Go. Go directly to jail or go to Russia With Love.

I love my 420. When I first saw it, I wondered what area code that was, but now I know! I will always answer it.

Why? It’s all in a name: I don’t like to wear name tags and I don’t broadcast my name to strangers. If we are having a conversation I will introduce myself. The letters JK are my middle initials and I’m NOT Just Kidding.

I’m worth the journey. Are you?

Edit your response

 

Choices: Love of Place or Love of Person. Can you have both?: Dating or Whatever We Call It

IMG_0957I met Trevor on OkCupid an online dating site. We have many mutual interests. He is a great guy and the more time we spend together the more I like him. He’s kind, funny, articulate, compassionate, has his act together, is financially secure, loves the outdoors, travels to beautiful places and is great in bed.  The way he looks at me makes me melt. It’s as though his blue eyes are looking deep into my soul.

He’s everything I want in a man. But, there is always a caveat. He travels a lot for work  since he’s a sales manager for the western states. That doesn’t bother me too much since I’m busy with my own life. The problem is that he lives in southern Arizona in the winter and will be leaving in September.  It’s mid July and we have less than two months to enjoy each other. We haven’t talked about it, but it’s the big white elephant in the room.

The question is: Do I want to get involved with a man who is leaving? My heart tells me to enjoy the time we have together but my mind is telling me to put up my walls, since heartbreak is on the horizon.

There’s a great line in the song “Tomorrow” by Bob Seger;  “I can’t promise you tomorrow. No one has the right to lie.” It is the truth. We can’t control what happens in the future, we can only live in the now.

That is easier said than done. In one of the questions on OkCupid, his answer to marriage is No, but he wants to find someone to settle down with.  We are both divorced and neither of us want to marry again.

What is he expecting that the woman will give up her life to be with him? I can’t stand Phoenix, and I’m not a fan of the desert. I love greenery, the ocean, mountains, lakes, rivers, diversity. The desert is a great place to visit for a week but to live?

I know our relationship is in its infancy but thinking about September is looming in my mind. Do I talk to him about it now or let it go and enjoy the time we have together?

 

FWB’s in a small town: The Other Woman-Part 1

I met Mitch on an online dating site a year ago. He’s 20 years younger than me but he, like many younger men, like older women. It’s the Mrs. Robinson scenario and I do play that up. We’re both in the same profession and he has a nice body,  tall, lean and good looking in a boyish way. We went out a few times in the summer, hiking and kayaking enjoying each other’s company.

The way he looked at me I could tell that he wanted more than a platonic friendship. On a hot summer day while hiking in the mountains, he offered his hand while I climbed over a log. As soon as he grasped it he pulled me in and kissed me. His sweaty body glistening in the sunlight felt warm against my skin. I responded in kind and in the middle of the woods we explored each other’s bodies.

We sexted over the next couple of months but didn’t see each other until my birthday in November. I texted him asking if he would like to do something with me.

He replied: ” Yes and no, I’ve started talking to a girl I’m gonna pursue at the moment. I would like to come over and play games with you but it might have to wait for the future.”

“Oh ok, it’s my bday & I wanted you to play with me. I hope it works out for you with her.

“Ooo happy birthday. Well you remember our conversation on monogamy and how difficult it naturally is?

“Yes. But if she’s the one I will step aside.”

“Well I just started getting excited. Hot in the kitchen and thinking of you. Home alone tonight too.”

“Yep naked under the sheets watching Camelot waiting for Lancelot to ravish me.”

“Wait naked? I want a peek.”

“But your maiden is waiting for you and I’m just a damsel undressed.”

“Not all knights are wearing a shining armor some of us get dirty.”

“How dirty do they get?”

“And even a gentlemen couldn’t resist helping a damsel undressed on her birthday.”

“Do you clean up nicely? And would you hate me or yourself in the morning if you came to my bed knowing you are pursuing another? What say you?”

“I think I might hate myself if I don’t.”

“Then cum over and bring your condoms.”

“Well ok then. I like the fantasy roll play you have going on. I’m imagining you opening the door with a flowing robe barely exposing wearing some very sexy lingerie.”

“LOL. You can christen my tiny abode.”

“I don’t think I should spend the whole night though, I may leave very early in the am.”

“That’s fine you can climb down the ladder to your charger and ride off into the sunset. Or follow the North Star to safety.

Does the fair maiden feel like she is a damsel because she is in need of a contractor?

“No. In need of a man.”

“Well, I happen to be both.”

“I know.”

“I’ve always wanted to role play where I’m there to check your sink plumbing, corny I know. You answer looking incredibly sexy, small talk, I check out your sink, you get both of us wet when I ask you turn it on, hopefully you have water and a sprayer. You insist I get out of wet clothes and…

“Hmmm…Lancelot, get on your charger and follow the long drive until you will see my gold chariot next to my home. Your mistress is waiting.”

 

 

 

 

 

A catchy online profile with pictures

After breaking up with Michael, I’ve been single for a few months and figured its best to get back into the game. I’m a woman who loves the company of men; not just for dating but for platonic friendship. Plus, summer is coming and its time for me to get out of my isolated cocoon.

In order to present oneself in a favorable light, it’s important for the online written profile to be filled with humor. Both sexes like that, but men especially like drama free. Granted if you don’t want drama don’t create it, but that is for another blog.

Pictures tell a story and as we know most scan the pictures before reading the profile. Some send a line without reading. You know who those are? They are the ones who say Wow you’re beautiful or Hi. Apparently the one word email is not going to get them very far unless their profile offers something to be said in return.

Pictures should create a story of what you want to present to the online dating world. That being said, I like to post pictures of me doing various activities such as hiking, riding horses, traveling. Some of them I’m smiling, some of them I’m not. I do have a selfie because that is a requirement in the online dating world.

The main profile picture should be a close up of the face. I switch them around every few weeks to freshen up the profile. When you update your profile, all of a sudden you get more people looking at your site. So that being said the following is my online profile:

*************

Mrs. Robinson looking for a lover who will drive me crazy.

Marriage is a 3 ring circus. First comes the engagement ring then comes the wedding ring then comes the suffering. Lol.

Not looking to be tamed…Run wild by my side…Enjoy me for who I am and I will do the same for you.

Just came back from a 5 week trains, planes & automobile journey chilling with friends & family. I’m like the Johnny Cash’s song “I’ve been everywhere man”

Rambling girl: I love my road trips the best, meeting new people, seeing beautiful natural landscapes and creating memories. I am told I’m the nomadic wanderer, free spirit, enigma and a wild child. Just don’t label me, I’m not a can of soup.

I live in a tiny home on wheels which I’ve designed and helped build. I’m writing and taking pictures of my adventures-writing a book about it. I might be coming to your neighborhood soon. So if you see that I change cities, this is why.

Who comes up with the silly questions? Get real! NEXT! I’m looking for an Activity Partner…Show me the town, hike, ride horses, kayak, etc.

I’m looking for an adventurous passionate spirit who can travel light.

Can you ride a horse? If you can ride a motorcycle you can ride a horse, just lean into the curve…I am in need of a riding partner. If you are under 200 pounds and as Jimi Hendrix said: “Are You Experienced?”

Do you know how to use your Vocal chords? If you do you will earn a gold star. I’m not a huge fan of pen pals, like the voice and the face much better.

Are you in 3D? I am…

Does anyone remember laughter? Plus Plus.

Sit back and enjoy the ride…Oh and leave your GPS at home.

What’s up with the guys with body parts or sunset pictures? Don’t be shy Show Face real face-your face. If I can do it so can you! This ain’t no Phantom of the Opera or Beauty and the Beast!

I’m a true Scorpio and of Transylvanian descent…Do I need to say more?

When I first saw the numbers 420 my first thought was what area code is that? I could have had a V8. I do like it especially the edibles yum

What’s up with all these fish pictures? Is this a fishing site where we reel them in? As Steven Wright says: There’s a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot. Haha.

On a serious matter: I’m a proud card-carrying SnowFlake who is quite tolerant and easy-going except if you voted for the lying, incompetent, narcissistic bully aka the orange top quack who is in bed with Putin. Do NOT say hello. Go directly to jail; do not pass go, and do not collect $200.

That’s all for now folks, stage left.

**********

I figure it must be successful since almost 2600 guys like me. I average 155 visitors per week and I get a lot of messages. Stay tuned until next week when I discuss the weeding factor. Happy sailing.

Sailing Away
Sailing

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How many more times? The breakup

Michael and I have been together for almost a year and living together for the last 5 months. He is my best friend and I love him but his mood swings are more than I can bear. Going off his medications does not help our relationship nor does it help his work. He’s spiraling out of control. I plead with him to go see his doctor but he refuses. He rather self medicate by drinking alcohol and smoking weed. He’s also smoking cigarettes again, something I detest.

I try to help but he pushes me away. Even when I try to talk to him calmly, he rolls his eyes, abruptly gets up and walks out of the room, slamming the door. It has reached a point where I realize no matter how much we love each other love isn’t enough to keep us together. Looking back at our relationship it has been rocky from the start.

We’ve had our share of fights. I know I’m not an angel and my insecurities in the past have caused a lot of grief but I’ve worked on it. I know now he would never cheat on me but I don’t know what is worse?  One who cheats with another or leaves emotionally?

I know he’s really been down since he has writer’s block so I tell him about a creative writing course at the local college, which could help him with his writing, something which he is passionate about. Oh my, it’s almost as though I insulted him.

“Who the fuck do you think you are?” he screams at me.

“Michael, I just thought”.

“You think I can’t write?” he says as he jumps up and comes towards me his eyes showing his fury.

“No! That’s not what I said! I said” but he cuts me off again.

His face is inches from mine. I can see his anger as he shouts obscenities at me, telling me to fuck off and mind my own business.

“Know what Michael? Fuck you! I’m done with this so called relationship. You’re a fucking limp dick!” I scream as I jump up. “Fuck you Fuck you Fuck you! Asshole!” I yell as I give him the middle finger.

I grab my jacket, cell phone, pocketbook and keys and run out jumping in my car. I peel out of the driveway. I don’t care if anyone hears me. I drive for a while too mad to go anywhere. My phone is ringing but I refuse to answer it. When I’m really mad I can’t talk, what’s the point? I drive for a few hours with the music blaring. Finally I see a Holiday Inn Express sign and pull in. I can’t go back to him, so I book a room for the night and turn off my phone.

Once inside my room, I strip and take a long hot shower trying to clear my head. The hot water feels good against my skin and I start to relax. The last couple of months I felt as though I was walking on eggshells with him and now this fight is the final blow. I can’t do this to myself anymore. I just can’t.

I dry off and get into bed but my mind starts to race. I love him, but I realize I love myself more. Finally, I drift off to sleep. When I awake it’s 9am. I stretch and get up. I turn on my cell and scan the messages. Fifteen voice mail messages and ten text messages, all from Michael. The first few messages he’s telling me to fuck off, but by the end he’s apologetic: Passive Aggressive.

I know I can’t be with him anymore. I can’t be with someone who is bi-polar. Finally with resolve I drive back to our home. As I pull into the driveway I feel a sudden sense of dread. I unlock the front door and walk in. Michael is sleeping on the couch, dozens of beer cans are scattered on the floor. I watch him sleep. He looks so peaceful. I’m afraid to wake him not knowing how he will react if he sees me.

As I turn, I hear him stir, but he doesn’t wake up. I tip toe to the bedroom, grabbing my suitcases from the closet and I start packing my belongings. Lost in thought I’m startled by a voice and jump.

“I’m sorry, I don’t know why I jumped down your throat” he says with pleading in his eyes.

I look at him warily. “I love you but I can’t do this anymore.” I say as I continue to pack.

“I know, I need help. I will do anything to keep you from leaving me”

“Michael. I think we need time apart. You’ve got to find a way to get better on your own. You’ve got to do this for yourself.”

“I know but please stay.”

“I need to move out. I’ll arrange for a mover to take my things.” I say with resolve avoiding his eyes.

“I’m sorry” he says as he looks at the floor.

“You know I love you, but I can’t do this anymore. I just can’t”. I say as I walk over to him and hug him.

“I know”. He says as his voice trails off.

We hold each other tight for a while before we let go and look at each other. My heart goes out to him. I just want to hold him forever, but I know he will relapse into his own world. It’s best that we go our separate ways.

I pick up my suitcases and walk to the door.

“I’m leaving town for a while to help my sister, Julia. I think its best if we don’t communicate. I hope you find your way Michael, I really do.” A smile escapes my lips.

“Take care”. I say as I walk out the door.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sex with an Ex: Dating or Whatever We Call It

IMG_4736Michael and I are slowly making our way back into the comfort zone. It’s been a few weeks since we met at Stella’s after many months apart. We’ve been friendly with flirtatious moments, a kiss and a hug but nothing more. I wonder if we are just going to be friends. My body aches for his touch. I’m starting to fall for him again. It feels right this time. We are both in better places.

He calls me and asks me to dinner. I accept and he picks me up. Just like old times we click.  We have a great time. It’s almost midnight when we get back. He walks me to my door. This time he lingers as I open the door to my apartment.

“Would you like to come in?” I ask.

He smiles and nods.

“Dinner was delicious” I say as I take off my shoes and put them in the closet. As I’m bending down, he comes over and put his arms around me.

“Michael” I say laughing.

“God you smell good” he says as he holds me close and rocks me as he kisses my neck. As we rock back and forth, he puts his arm around me and unbuttons my blouse. His hand slides underneath my bra and cups my breasts. I moan.

“God you feel so good” I whisper.

Kissing my neck he unzips my jeans and slides them off. I step out of them. Slipping his hand into my mound my lips quiver. He fingers his way and slides his finger on my clit and gently rubs it back and forth. I let out a moan as I sway back and forth, putting my arms around him. As my body responds, he rubs harder. My clit is now pulsating.

“Michael, I missed you. Fuck me please!” I cry. He stops and turns me around. I pull off his shirt in a frenzy. He cups my breasts and suckles them. Kissing each one, pulling, tugging, and arousing them until they are hard mounds. Unzipping his jeans I yank them off him. I push him down on the floor and get on top of him.

“You make me crazy” I say breathlessly.  He smiles and we start kissing passionately. His cock is hard as I press my body against it. I kiss his neck, then his chest, inching ever so slowly down around his muscular abs. He lets out a moan as I touch his cock. I hold it in my hands and slowly open my mouth to engulf his powerful manhood. My tongue darts about, licking, sucking. I can hear him gasp.

He pulls me up and pushes me down onto the rug in front of the fireplace. Spreading my legs for him, he enters me, slowly at first as I guide him, then with each thrust he goes deeper and faster. Controlling, not letting himself come to fast. Giving me pleasure is his desire. Just a little bit longer…

The Ex and the Art of Forgiveness: Dating or Whatever We Call It

After breaking up with Michael, I avoid him at all costs in the tiny town we live. Not an easy task, but I find a way to do it. We don’t speak for months until one evening I receive a text fr…

Source: The Ex and the Art of Forgiveness: Dating or Whatever We Call It

The Ex and the Art of Forgiveness: Dating or Whatever We Call It

IMG_4916After breaking up with Michael, I avoid him at all costs in the tiny town we live. Not an easy task, but I find a way to do it. We don’t speak for months until one evening I receive a text from him asking to meet for a drink. Is he drinking and he misses me? WTF? I know better, I should delete it and not respond, but I text back.

We meet at our old hang out, Stella’s. I make sure I’m looking drop dead gorgeous in a mini, sleeveless v cut top and heels accentuating my long legs. He’s already at the bar, sitting nervously. When he sees me he smiles, his black hair cut short and his blue eyes sparkling in the light. God he looks good. I smile back. He gets up and gives me a warm hug.  Mmmm…He’s wearing Old Spice which I love. I breath him in…

We exchange pleasantries, chatting about nothing. “I hope you don’t mind but I ordered you a Riesling”. He says as he looks into my eyes.

“Thank you, you always knew what I liked.” I reply as I take a sip. Liked past tense but he still remembers… As the evening wears on we settle back into our comfortable selves. The nervousness is gone. We’re laughing and talking as though we never broke up. Its great to see him again. He hasn’t changed, his rugged good looks are still in tact.

He touches my hand and I look up.

“I miss you”he says quietly.

I look at him. “Is that why you texted me?”

“Yeah. I know I was a total ass to you. I was in a funk over the winter and I needed to be alone and be an island for a while. I’m sorry that I hurt you.”

So many things I want to say and not all good. I look at him and all I can say is “It’s okay. We both needed to be alone.”

All the pain and hurt seem to evaporate with those words: I’m sorry that I hurt you.

“What are you doing about your Bipolar?” I ask.

“I’m seeing a therapist on a weekly basis. She put me on the drug Lamictal, and it has really helped with my mood swings. I feel more even keeled.”

“What is it?”

“It’s used for epileptic seizures but also for mood swings for bipolar. For now I’m just on that but I might need to go on a cocktail of meds. We’ll see. I’m also working out everyday and writing. That’s the best part. I’m focused.”

“That’s great Michael, I’m really happy that you are getting help. I think that was the major reason why we fought.”

“I know. Self medicating on alcohol wasn’t good for me or for us. I’m always going to have this, but I wanted you to know that I’m trying to overcome it.”

I lean over and give him a hug. We hold each other. He feels good in my arms.

I give him a kiss on the cheek: “It’s going to be okay. You’re on the right track and you’re doing something pro-active. I respect you for that.”

“Thanks. I wanted you to know…” His voice trails off as he looks into my eyes.

His eyes are an intense blue green. I could swim in them. I look away.

“What time is it?” I ask

“It’s 11:05” He says.

“Wow we’ve been talking for over 3 hours? I have to go. Long day tomorrow Thank you for the drink.”

As we get up, I turn to him and say, “Its good to see you again Michael.”

He leans over and kisses me on the lips. He tastes good. His soft lips brushing against mine.

He smiles and says: “Good to see you too.”

 

 

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Lessons Learned: Dating or Whatever We Call It

Lessons Learned: Finding the One and starting a family isn’t going to make you happy. It’s not going to give you the stability you crave because you didn’t have it growing up. You…

Source: Lessons Learned: Dating or Whatever We Call It

Lessons Learned: Dating or Whatever We Call It

IMG_2017Lessons Learned:

Finding the One and starting a family isn’t going to make you happy. It’s not going to give you the stability you crave because you didn’t have it growing up. You have to find it within yourself, first. You have to do it on your own. You have to love yourself before you give that love to someone else…If you want it to last.

The Bitch Factor: Dating or Whatever We Call It…

IMG_0957Why is it that when lovers ask us to do things for them we do it without bitching, but when we ask lovers to do something for us they say yes then bitch and whine about it?

Last week I was put into a corner taking care of my horse who is injured. I needed help removing and putting new bandages on her leg. I called everyone, but no one could help me, so I text my X. He says, sure. I tell him that it needs to be done twice a week and he’s fine with that because he loves my horses. Relieved and anxiety ridden at the same time. The break up is still fresh. I don’t want to see him but he is good with my horses and I need help.

My quarter horse Locket was injured in a fight with another horse last month and was beaten up. Instead of paying the vet $150 per visit (I was already in the hole for $2500 in vet bills) she suggested I do it myself. She gives me sedation drugs to administer in the muscle in her neck.

I pick Michael up and we head to the barn. It takes 20 minutes to drive and we chat about nothing to pass the time. After I inject Locket with the sedation drug, we have to wait 30 minutes for it to kick in. We go see the other horses in the mean time. We are our old selves laughing enjoying each other’s company. He loves them and its good to see him smile.

After 30 minutes we go back to Locket who is a pill. Michael holds her and I try in vain to clean her wound on her hind leg but she wants nothing to do with it. You would never know she’s sedated. She kicks and nearly misses me. Finally I have to get help.

What should have taken us an hour to re-bandage takes us two hours. I need to get more supplies and Michael suggests that we go and get them on the way back. I thank him for helping me. He says no problem.

The third time I pick him up he’s in a bitchy mood. He’s getting sick again and is miserable. He complains about how long it takes to bandage her. I listen and try to explain but he still bitches. He should have told me that he can’t help me. I would have understood.

My blood is starting to boil and I do everything to stop blurting our that he’s a full blown Dick. Never mind Locket being a drama queen now my X is one as well. Serenity Now! I try to remain calm. I want to tell him to go fuck himself that he is being a narcissist but I don’t. I need him to help me today.

When we get to the barn, it takes longer than usual because the drug is not working and Locket senses our edginess. She’s a Freak! I have no patience and again I have to get someone else to help us. Michael is rolling his eyes.

Thoughts run through my mind. When Michael went away for a week he asked me to take care of his cat. I did. Everyday I drove 30 minutes through inclement weather to feed and care for his beloved cat. Did I complain when I was feeling lousy? No!

When he had a minor operation done and needed help getting back from the doctors office, he asked if I could help him. I said yes. I had to wait 4 hours in the waiting room because it was taking longer than expected. Did I complain to him about it? No! I didn’t. I never complained. I did it because he is a friend and that’s what friends do for each other. They help each other.

Why does he feel the need to bitch to me about helping me when he offered to help? I don’t understand it! He should have said no. That two letter word NO would have been so much easier to say.

Did I say Serenity Now? UGH!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ex & The Small Town: Dating or Whatever We Call It…

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Deadwood, just like our relationship

Breaking up with someone you care about is bad enough but when that break up happens in a small town it’s excruciating. All the places you frequented together now are off limits.  Running into your ex must be avoided at all costs. The thought of seeing him or her especially with someone else would be too painful.

Last week I was going to the bank and as I pulled into the parking lot I saw Michael’s car. I continued past and drove around the block, my heart racing. Parking my car on a side street I walk a few blocks to do another errand, I can’t bare running into him so soon.

My girlfriend wants me to go and have drinks at the Sunset Grill. I tell her I can’t go there because that’s where he works.  You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him drink-that’s my motto now. I refuse to go in. I avoid driving by his house which is on Main Street and drive a less convenient way. The only place I will go to, is the gym, but I go at times I know he won’t be there.

Even though I moved here before knowing him, I feel like the stalker. Is it because he broke up with me? Does the breaker upper always have the upper hand?  Even though subconsciously I broke up with him first he consciously broke up with me, hence that’s the difference. How long will I avoid him? As long as I can.  I’m still licking my wounds, my ego is bruised. I know eventually I will run into him, but for now I will try my best to steer clear of him.

 

 

 

Reflections: Dating Or Whatever We Call It

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My lover who suffers from bipolar and holiday blues can’t deal with anyone’s drama so he ended our relationship. He’s going to be an island for a while. I told him I would not visit his island. We left it on good terms, but I still feel resentful to the way he ended it.  He does not know that though, my girlfriends on the other hand do, since I vent to them.

He was fantastic in November which I call Sweet November. Only one time was he a prick and he text me the next day apologizing for his behavior. I know he warned me about his holiday blues, but I was not prepared for the depth of his moodiness and withdrawal into his own world. He was a full blown dick in December except when he was with me and my horses. He was so gentle with them, it melted my heart. Why couldn’t he be that way with me?

I was willing to forgive him for being a prick because I knew somewhere deep inside there was a kind, fun soul. I was hoping that in January we could wipe the slate clean and start over. He withdrew even further after the New Year to a place I could not reach.

Apparently he could not forgive me for trashing his porch when I was irrationally drunk thinking that he was having sex with my friend. I had a full blown anxiety attack. In retrospect I should not have asked him if he wanted to fuck my girlfriend and he should  never have said yes. That was our downfall. Funny I could forgive his grizzly bear persona but he could not forgive mine.

Even though he was my lover/activity partner which meant no commitment I was jealous. I realized I liked him more than a friend and I do not play fair with other women in my sandbox. FWB’s do not work, it’s a lie. If we were in a committed relationship I would be secure knowing he wanted only me, but that was not to be.

I recently left New England and drove cross country to end an 11 year on and off again volatile relationship with Alex. My reasoning: I can’t go over to his house with this much distance between us.  He was passive aggressive with Bipolar tendencies and we fought constantly: Leo’s and Scorpio’s do not mix. We loved and hated each other, but the make up sex was great. Maybe that’s why we kept on going back.

I should never have become involved so quickly with Michael. I should have let myself heal before I became involved with another man. I told him the first day we met that we would be platonic friends. I caved that night when he looked deep into my soul with his blue eyes. I should have known. I should have run. Should of, would of, could of…

#Lovers: Dating or Whatever You Call It

IMG_3026I know that I’ve been negative about my lover in my recent blogs but all in all he is a good person who is as troubled as I am. So in all fairness I have put a positive spin on What I love about him:

  • He’s kind and sweet
  • He makes me tea when he drinks coffee
  • He loves animals
  • He loves my horses, he’ll do anything for them.
  • He loves to ride with me even though he ends up with blue balls
  • He’s intelligent
  • He’s sexy
  • He’s a fantastic lover
  • He’s a wonderful cook
  • He’s artistic
  • He’s creative (can that boy play the guitar and piano)
  • He has an awesome voice, I could listen to it for hours
  • He has the bluest eyes which look deep into my soul
  • He’s  very handsome
  • He has a great smile which melts my heart
  • He loves the outdoors
  • We both ran away to this beautiful place we now call home (Island of Misfit Toys)
  • It’s amazing: He loves Donald Trump and thinks he’ll be our next President and I can’t stand Donald Trump, I’m rooting for Bernie Sanders. Even with our Political differences we still get along. Imagine that?
  • I’m middle of the road with liberal tendencies and he’s Ultra Conservative and we agree to disagree. Something must be in the air!
  • He’s my mini me (except for the Politics)
  • Could it be?? Is it…??

Stay tuned…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

#Crimes&Punishment: Dating Or Whatever We Call It

IMG_5421I know deep down that Michael would never hurt me. It’s my insecurities, jealousy and lack of trust which ruined the evening.  It put a strain on my relationship with him. If I could take back what I said and did I would but I can’t. I’m full of regrets and sadness. My past still haunts me and I must come to terms with it if I ever want to start anew.

The movies War of the Roses and Kramer vs Kramer had nothing on my parents divorce which lasted 10 years; 1974-1984. My father gained custody of all his children but it was a bitter fight to the end.

After threatening to kill the Judge my mother was sentenced to 90 days at McLean Hospital in Belmont, MA. It was there that she was diagnosed as Manic Depressive with Paranoia Schizophrenia. I remember visiting her and it scared me. It was right out of One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest. She was very religious and she believed God was telling her what to do. My father’s womanizing ways did not help the situation and my sisters and I were caught in the cross fire.

It only ended in 1984, because my mom killed herself. We were in the middle of another court case. I remember the call from my youngest sister. I was living in Fort Lauderdale and I was at work. After she told me I felt relieved. I hated my mother for what she did to our family. It was finally over, but it was never truly over. Memories fade but the emotional scars still run deep.

Over the years I’ve punished myself through feelings of inadequacies. Thoughts that I was going to end up like my mom haunted all of us. I was never good enough. Relationships suffered. After 9 years together I wanted marriage and children so I gave Alex an ultimatum: Marriage or goodbye. He chose marriage but I always felt he married me not because he loved me but because he didn’t want to lose me.

Over the years I had panic attacks and was put on Paxil. In 2003 I was pregnant and had to go off it, because they were afraid that it would hurt the baby. The panic attacks came back in full force.  I was terrified that I was going to have a child attached to me forever and I could not escape. I remember becoming hysterical telling my husband that I couldn’t have a child. I wanted an abortion.

Finally the panic attacks subsided and I started to adjust to having a family. At 12 weeks we went in for the ultra sound. We were excited. We had names picked out, Julia Morgan if it was a girl and Joshua Morgan if it was a boy. I was secretly hoping for a girl, but there was no heart beat. I ended up getting a DNC and the doctor asked if we wanted to know the sex of the baby, we did, it was a girl.

I was racked with guilt, it was my fault that she died. It was my paranoia that killed her. We never ended up trying for more children and a year later I left him. Those feelings are still with me I never forgave myself for losing my child.

In 2004 I couldn’t handle these feelings anymore and I end up leaving my husband for a man who was passive aggressive. We were together on and off for 11 years. He was my drug of choice. The highs were euphoria but coming off the high was torture. Why did I stay so long? Because I connected with him. I felt safe with him. He shared my father’s birthday.  He was a builder and I was a designer. We loved each other but drove each other nuts and I had to move across the country to leave him.

I punish myself for everything. I stay in bad relationships hoping it will get better. I punish myself for staying to long, or not staying long enough, for running. I know I need to stop this. I thought I was handling it until that night with Michael. But I know I need professional help to find my way back.

Hopefully I will survive intact.

 

 

 

 

#LeftAgain: Dating or Whatever We Call It

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The troubled road ahead

Michael’s Holiday blues are getting me down amongst other things. I introduced him to my girl friend a few weeks ago and all he does is talk about how hot she is.  I finally ask him if he would fuck her. I don’t know why I ask but my insecurities are up to no good. He hesitates for a moment and then says: “Yes.” I casually ask: “Do I have anything to worry about?” He says: “No.”

Well, that did not go over as I thought. Hmmm… My friend Jessica says she will never hurt me and has no desire to go after Michael, but that doesn’t solve my jealousy. I remember a line once: “If you can’t handle the truth, don’t go looking for it.” I should have never asked him that question.

But the truth is out. Wow! They are now friends who, call each other and hang out together without me. Does that bother me? Hell yeah! I’m a Scorpio who has a jealous streak when I’m insecure. And now, I’m insecure.

One thing after another and I’m about to lose it. I try to remain calm. Leaving me at the gym’s party weighs heavily on my mind as well as him wanting to fuck her. Even though I forgave him, I haven’t forgotten the feeling of abandonment by the one I care about.

A week later, Jessica and I are going to the Town Holiday Stroll and I invite Michael. We drink a large bottle of Champagne at his house before heading out. We are feeling good yet something is bothering me-insecurities. We walk around town and then head into a bar. I tell them I’m going to check things out and I’ll be right back. I walk about 20 feet then turn around and they’re gone.  I look in the bar area but don’t see them. I then go outside and look up and down the street.  I’m about to text them when I realize that I don’t have my phone and we don’t have an If you get lost situation. Ugh!

He left me again! They couldn’t even wait 30 seconds for me to come back? I’m psst. I walk back to Michael’s. I’m cold, drunk, and tired. I try the backdoor but it’s locked. My jealousy raises its ugly head. All I can think is that they are cozied up together at a bar somewhere without me.

I’m beyond mad. I’m irrational and now I’m in the midst of a full blown anxiety attack. I’m so angry that I want to throw something. I see his trash and I tear the bags open and throw them everywhere on his back porch.

I know it’s wrong but I can’t help myself. There’s some pillows on the floor and I lie down in the fetal position to keep warm. Jessica is a White Light, a Medium. Why doesn’t she know where I am and what I’m feeling? Why don’t they come back to his house? I came back why couldn’t they?

After what seemed like hours I finally peel myself off the floor. I don’t know what time it is but it’s late and I walk back into town. Finally I see them walking towards me, laughing. Michael says; “There you are!” Being cool is not my forte and I rip into them. I yell at the top of my lungs accusing them of sleeping together. I call her a Cunt and swear at him for leaving me again.

I then turn around and run back to his house and wait for them to come home and I yell at them some more for leaving me. Jessica storms out as I grab my keys and I jump into my car. As I turn the corner I realize that I left my phone at his house so I force myself to turn around. We have another fight and he says: “I’m so mad at you for embarrassing me”.

I yell back: “WTF! You couldn’t even wait one minute for me? What is so wrong for waiting for me?”

He just looks at me and says: “You’re a lot like me.” I glare at him. Our second fight and it’s not even a month that we are together. His careless attitude makes me cringe. I realize he’s right we are very alike, we both have anger issues. He tells me to stay. My rage dissipates and I turn into this little girl that just wants to be held.

We talk in a civilized tone. I apologize and clean up the mess I made. I end up staying the night and we have make up sex. Lying in bed, I ask him what he’s looking for and he says a family, he wants to have children. A bipolar with father issues wanting children when he can’t stand them? Hmmm…I don’t want children. All I want is to be loved by someone I love.

At 6am I awake. I can’t breath and I need to leave. I get up, put on my clothes, kiss him goodbye as he sleeps and quietly leave. He texts me later: “Wow u really did cause some mayhem by the back door last night. Weird thing is I still wanted to wake up and have sex but u were gone.” I reply back: “It’s the Scorpio in me. I did clean it up. I kissed you goodbye.”

We are in different places. We have no future…Just the present if we can get through the Holidays.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

#AloneOnChristmas: Dating Or Whatever We Call It

IMG_0397I recently moved to a small northwestern town in the Rocky Mountains. I live in a 400 sf loft condo near the top of a ski mountain 4500 feet above sea level. I’m far away from my friends and family. My new lover has the Holiday Blues and does not want my company. My girlfriend doesn’t want to make the journey up the treacherous mountain road to see me nor do I want to drive down, so I’m alone for Christmas.

The day before I drop off Christmas presents to Michael. I make the effort to make something for him. I enlarge a photo he loves and frame it along with a calendar of my travel pictures. He meets me at the door but doesn’t invite me in. I hand him his presents and he says thank you. We chat for a few minutes then he reaches for something which I think is a present, but it’s a white cotton pad for my injured horse.

That’s my gift? That’s it? He couldn’t even be bothered to get me a card? I’m annoyed. After everything I’ve done for him he gives me zilch, zero, zippo, notta, nothing.  So he has the holiday blues? So what! I kiss him,  say Merry Christmas and leave. I’m annoyed.

At first I resent him for being a jerk but now that it’s Christmas, I’m trying to make the best of it. I’m not going to let him ruin my Christmas. Just because I’m alone doesn’t mean I am lonely. Granted it would be nice to be with someone I care about, but that’s not meant to be.

It’s all a state of mind, I tell myself.  I can be miserable or I can make the best of it. Society tells us that we must be with people during the Holidays. We must buy tons of non wanted presents and spend money for people who don’t appreciate us. I nix that idea and do it my way.

It’s snowing and white Christmas is upon me. Instead of being miserable I decide to enjoy my down time. I make a list of all the positive things about being alone on Christmas:

  • I get to watch all my favorite Christmas shows without being interrupted.
  • I don’t have to shhhh anyone.
  • I don’t have to hear snide remarks from others about what I’m watching such as A Year Without A Santa Claus-now that’s a great show.
  • I get to make desserts and lick all the spoons and bowls without having to share with others.
  • I can be in my pajamas all day or run around naked.
  • I don’t have to clean 6 inches of snow off my car and drive down the snowy mountain road holding my breath.
  • I can listen to any music I want without being criticized for my selection.
  • I can sing at the top of my lungs off key and no one judges me
  • I can eat what and when I want since there is no set agenda.
  • I can make my own fire in the wood stove and curl up on the couch without sharing it with anyone.
  • I can make a mess and not worry about cleaning it up for guests
  • I can call all my friends and family without being rude to guests
  • I can dance like Elaine from Seinfeld without being ridiculed
  • I don’t have to visit people and make small talk with strangers

Did I miss anything? Probably, but there’s always next year. So for all those who spent Christmas alone, I salute you even the Scrooges out there. Hah you didn’t ruin my Christmas! Bah Humbug!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

#PanicAttacks: Dating or Whatever We Call It

There’s a Christmas party at our gym and Michael who is Bipolar and has the Holiday Blues wants to go. Free food and drinks how can one pass that up? We plan on playing racquetball then go to the party.

I pick him up at 4:30 he’s in his gym clothes. I want to say: “Is that what you are wearing to the party?” But I don’t dare since he would think I’m criticizing him as his father always does. I bite my tongue and say nothing.

We arrive at the gym but the parking lot is full and we have to park on the street. We walk in but find that the courts are filled with tables of food. I look at Michael and say: “Since we are here why don’t we just work out and then join the party?”

He rolls his eyes.  I see that he’s not happy. I smile at him as I turn and go into the women’s locker room. A few minutes later I come out but can’t find him. I realize I left my phone in the car so I can’t text him. I then decide not to work out so I shower and dress and walk towards the party. Wendy the membership director comes up to me and gives me a note.

It reads, “J – I’m in a shitty mood. I’m walking home. – Michael. I fold it and put it in my pocket. I’m psst. Wendy says: “Even though he left why don’t you come and join the festivities.” I smile and walk away.

He fucking left me at the party he wanted to go to. He couldn’t even wait for me? He couldn’t call my name over the loud speaker? He couldn’t have someone come and get me in the women’s locker room?

I’m too angry to stay. I hate being left. It’s a pet peeve of mine. How dare he! I pack up my stuff and walk to the car. When I’m furious I either scream and yell or become silent. I choose the latter.

Once in my car I look at my phone and see a text from him: “Sorry I had to leave the gym. I was freaked out by all the people and how underdressed and unmotivated to work out I felt.” I ignore it.

I click the Resign button on WordFued that I play with him. He promptly texts back: “Why did you resign?” I still don’t respond. He texts again: !!!! Sorry I just sort of freaked out because there were so many people around and couldn’t find you and didn’t have my phone. Sorry!!!!

After driving around to clear my head, I pull into a parking lot and finally text back: “I’m psst. In the future if you want me in your life you won’t do that again. I hate being left especially by someone I really like. Whatever!”

“Sorry i totally schized out.” He writes.

“You knew there was a party. Whatever. I will leave you alone.”

“Just tonight. Or you can come hang out. I just freaked out standing in the lobby alone. I walked through the gym twice but kept coming back to the lobby and it was crowded but they weren’t serving drinks yet.”

“I didn’t work out just showered and look hot. I guess I’ll go to a bar and have a few drinks. Enjoy.” I text back.

“Ok sorry i totally bailed. U can Come here if you want to.

“I’m to hurt to stop by. Ttyl.

I’m too angry to go to a bar and decide to head home. What am I getting myself into? He hates the Holidays which I love, he’s Bipolar and he has panic attacks. UGH!!!!!

I really like him, I’m drawn to him. When he’s not self absorbed he’s a great guy. He makes me feel alive. As Carrie from Sex & The City said about Big: “I’m addicted to the pain.” That sums it up. Apparently I’m attracted to the Bigs of the world, men who leave. I think it’s stems from my childhood.

My mother and father had a very volatile relationship. We grew up with the police coming to our door and being driven to school in police cars. The fighting, the screaming matches between two people who once loved each other was so hard to bare.

I remember my father finally having enough and leaving his four girls with our disturbed mother. She had horrible mood swings and either lashed out at us emotionally or disappeared into her own world.

At the age of nine I packed my belongings into a little grey oval suitcase and walked to his apartment which was a mile away. I wanted to live with my dad. I couldn’t deal living with my mother any longer. I was daddy’s little girl.

Through the years my father gained custody of me and my three sisters, but it was a 10 year battle of constant unrest. I still carry the battle scars from the war.

I do understand Michael’s predicament but that doesn’t make it any easier. The feelings of being left by my emotionally unstable mother and physically by my father still haunts me. The memories are all too real.

As I drag myself into my apartment I pour myself a glass of wine and head to bed. Feeling blue and not being able to sleep I watch Oklahoma with Shirley Jones. I don’t know if it’s the movie, or the wine but I don’t want to be angry with Michael anymore.

I text him: “I’m done being mad at you. I forgive you for being a shit. I’m heading up to the mountains tomorrow”

He texts back: “Ok I will clean my house. Sorry I Totally fucked you over at the party. The mountains will be nice.”

I might have forgiven him but I haven’t forgotten. I am a Scorpio and we don’t forgive easily. Trust is earned it’s not given. I hope he understands that.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Holiday Blues: Dating or whatever we call it

As the holidays are in full swing we are inundated with social activities, holiday music which starts before Thanksgiving, marketing gimmicks 24/7, and food galore. This is one of our favorite times of the year, a time to be with the one’s we love, but to others, it’s a time of great sadness.

My lover is in a full blown Holiday blues depression. He’s like Greta Garbo, whose famous line was: “I want to be left alone.” He has shut himself away from the world and it breaks my heart that I can’t reach him.

For the past four years, my friend Alise has been in a relationship with Justin who has severe anxiety and depression. I remember the countless calls as she cried over her predicament. I listened as she vented and gave her advice. It’s been a very rocky road but they have come a long way and now are living together. She stuck it out even though many times she thought about leaving. Her love for him kept her grounded.

I couldn’t understand why she stayed until now, now that I’m in the same leaking boat. I want to have fun and enjoy the holidays with him. He did drag himself out with me and his friends to cut down Christmas trees, so why can’t he be festive?

Am I being selfish to want to spend the holidays with him? I’m trying to understand where he’s coming from. I had a horrible childhood as well, but I do remember enjoying the Holidays. It’s taken me years to forgive my Mom but I’ve forgiven her, why can’t he forgive his Dad?

He’s in a new town, a new state, starting a new life with people who adore him, why can’t he let go of his past and forgive? Why does he let those who’ve hurt him win?

 

 

 

 

Love of my life

Love of my life0321121625

Come slowly

Follow my shadow.

Slowly dance, hands around me

Feet lightly touching the ground

Hair gently blowing in the breeze

Wide eyes-laughing face

Smile my love

How beautiful you are

Come to me

And let me walk in your sunshine

-JK

Lies: Lessons Learned: Tales of Online Dating.

The last saw time I saw Big M was a little over 2 months ago. I was heading back East. Even though the last day we had a huge blow out we managed to remain friends. Over the months we texted, used our vocal chords and Facebook IM. I still care for him and love him, even though he drives me crazy. I realize that no matter how I try to help him, if he won’t help himself get out of the mess he got himself into, no one can help him.

M and I horseback riding in Montana
M and I horseback riding in Montana

He calls me and tells he loves me and that I was the only one who was there for him when he needed help. He says he couldn’t have done it without me. I tell him that I love him and that I will always be there for him. He tells me he’s grateful that I’m in his life. His last words to me on the phone: “I Love you”…

On July 27, 2015, he sends me a few pictures of himself working on the dude ranch in Montana. One of the pictures has a bandana over his mouth. I reply back; “Are you an outlaw now?” He replies back “Lol..yes.mami.am.” He sends me another picture of himself wearing a cowboy hat and sunglasses in the barn. I text him: “Not a bandit? Just a cool cowboy made in the shade”.

That night I sext him and say: “So are you gonna fuck me again?” He sends back a picture of himself in his van and writes: “I might do just that :)”

That was our last IM conversation. The next day I went on to Facebook to message him but his profile was gone. I couldn’t find him anywhere. So I click on to my business Facebook page and try to find him. His Facebook page is there. Dumbfounded, I realize he blocked me. No warning. Nothing. I text him asking him why he unfriended me and blocked me on Facebook?

Nothing.

I text him again: “WTF M? Don’t I deserve an explanation? Why you blocked me on Facebook? After everything I’ve done for you? Wow!”

Nothing.

“You don’t even respond?”

Nothing

“When I asked you if you are going to fuck me again this isn’t the fuck I meant.”

Nothing.

He went ghost town on me. I don’t understand. I’m sick to my stomach. I rack my brains trying to figure out what I did but I don’t know. He’s ceases all communication with me.  I finally break down and call his sister who’ve I’ve met and hung out with. She tells me it’s because I was talking to one of his friends on Facebook. What? First off I don’t talk to his friends, I just hit the Like button and comment on Big M’s stuff.

What are we in grade school? Second if I was talking to a Friend, why didn’t he have the balls to come to me and talk to me about it before cutting ties with me? He’s 57 years old. What a fuckin’ child!

Wow! After everything that I did for him. I paid for his SAG membership for a year. I paid his IRS penalties, I paid for 6 months of storage, I paid bills that he needed too pay. He didn’t put a gun to my head, but he talked endlessly about his financial troubles and I finally broke down and helped him. I had money from my inheritance and he knew that. I paid over $2500 towards his bills and if I add up all the dinners, entertainment, and hotels, that I paid for, that’s easily another $2000 that I spent on him. He also asked me to put $200 in to his checking account because he was in the red again, which I sheepishly did when I was on the road in Oregon.

He gave me his Stella guitar as collateral until he pays me back. He said it’s worth at least $500. Well, I looked online, it’s worth more like $50 in the condition it’s in. Apparently he just added a zero to it. I’ve been had!

My friend who was conned out of money on an online dating site says he’s a scam artist preying on innocent women. I didn’t believe it at first but the more I thought about it the more I realized she’s right.

Red flags: The warning signs:

Lie: He told me he was living in between apartments and living with a friend. Truth: He was living in his Van. I didn’t learn the truth until after I drove 17 hours to meet him.

Lie: He’s waiting for a call back on a commercial that’s why he can’t come up to Oregon to meet me. Truth: He has no money, no job, no home. He’s broke! That’s why he can’t come up to Oregon to see me. FYI: I did research him on the internet before I met him and he was legitimate as a Stuntman in Hollywood movies.

Lie: According to him his recent X he lived with was evil and treated him like shit and cheated on him Truth: After 2 months of dating (he met her online) they moved in together. She won a lawsuit and had money, but when her money dwindled he left her.

His money issues. Spending money on stuff he didn’t need, but ignoring his bills.

Blaming everyone for his problems except himself.

When he told me he lived in his friends back yard in a self made tarp tent for 6 months because he had no money and no job. He couldn’t even get a real tent or work? Hmmm…

When he told me his friends are sick of his problems and don’t want to deal with him anymore.

His sister telling me that he has always been this way: no control over money, depression, manic, only out for himself.

Before he blocked me, he texted me: “He’s leaving the ranch end of July to go back to the LA area to care for a Dear Friend who’s in a car accident on her way to see him. Her friend died & she was in a coma for 2 weeks. He’s going to help her walk again. She’s going to pay him $3,000 / month to take care of her and he will live there.” Apparently this was a lie as well.

I thought by being in his life I could help him get back on his feet. I should have run at the first sign but I wanted to stand firm since I’ve always run in the past. Now I see. He has another Sugar Mama to care for him. Within 2 weeks of disappearing his new girl friend contacted me and told me they were in love and he was living with her. She was also buying him a house near his sisters in Montana. WOW!

He doesn’t need me anymore. Am I angry? You bet. I’m floored. I wonder how many other women he’s done this too? Double dipping for months…Come to find out his new girl friend had an elaborate hoax saying that she was marrying Mark Calaway “The Undertaker”. She even changed her name on Facebook and other internet sites. In 2014 she created rumors that she was Barry Gibbs new love interest. How fucking sick is she for creating such lies?

Telling me he loves me? Is that a lie too? Truth: He never did he just used me and when he found someone else who had supposedly more money he dropped me.

Love is blind. I know I will never see the money again. But the worse part is how he went about cutting me out of his life in one fell swoop.

Lessons be learned. Mark my words: Don’t turn a blind eye when your gut is telling you to run.

Relationships are Like Socks: Tales of online dating experiences

Relationships are Like Socks: Tales of online dating experiences.

Relationships are Like Socks: Tales of online dating experiences

IMG_8247Relationships are like socks. In the beginning they are always seen together. They feel good, enjoying each other’s company. Life is good. Then the days, weeks, months, and years go by and they spend less and less time together. One day you find that your partner is MIA just like socks that have gone through the wash. Single again. The MIA sock has attached itself to another article of clothing, never too be seen together again. Just like the relationship that has gone south.

Now you just have single socks which you put into the single sock drawer. Holding on to them just in case the other mate shows up and you will be together again. The socks are piling up.

Adding to your collection of single socks
Adding to your collection of single socks

One day you realize that sock is never going to appear and you make the decision to throw it out or use it to dust.

The life of relationships and socks.

 

 

The Laws of Sexual Attraction

I must admit I am sexually attracted to the younger version of the rocker that I’ve been conversing with. He reminds me of Tommy Lee from Motely Crue. He is now 50 but his picture is of him in his 20’s. He tells me he is falling for me. Well, he has an advantage over me because my pictures are all up to date. He sees what I look like now. I am real but he is just a fantasy.

How can I be sexually attracted to the present when all I see is the past? Emotional chemistry we have, but I know from experience one must meet in person if sexual attraction is there. Apparently there are a few exceptions to the rule. Keanu Reeves was hot 30 years ago and still is and so is Brad Pitt. Can this rocker dude still be as hot as he was? Hmmm.

Finally he agrees to meet. I tell him to meet me at Gillian’s, a sports bar. I tell him we can meet as friends, then the pressure is off. If we are not attracted to each other, then we can still enjoy each other’s company. If there is something more for both of us then we can take it to another level. If there isn’t then we will be great friends.

It’s 6pm on Friday and I walk up to the bar. There are a number of guys there as I search for a man I don’t know. Finally he comes up to me and says my name. He looks nothing like his picture. Wow what a transformation. He has a baseball hat on and I can see the back of his grey hair. His face is rugged. He looks moRocker dudere like Clint Eastwood than Tommy Lee. We hug and get a drink. We then play pool for a couple of hours.  We laugh and chide each other. Emotionally attracted yes, physically attracted no! I wish I was, we would be perfect for each other.

But I am one of those honest people, who know right off the bat if I want something more. We say good night with a hug. The next day I text him telling him that I had fun and would love to be friends. He doesn’t reply until Sunday morning at 7am. The droning of the vibrating phone wakes me up. I look at the text: “Nope…Not ok with that…Take care.”

I roll back to sleep. What ever. NEXT!

 

Online Dating: Not Beauty and the Beast more like Phantom of the Opera-Serenity NOW!!!!!

Image
Can you see the face?

This hot rocker dude with the dated picture finally sends me an recent phone picture to my cell. His words are: “Nice knowing you. Take care.”  I am dealing with a 50 year old insecure child! SERENITY NOW! I have an old phone so the screen is tiny. Can’t see a dam thing. Granted it’s a far away blurry shot with his phone and his hands are taking up most of the picture. I upload it to my computer for a larger view. He doesn’t look like a gorilla. He has a black cap on (I guess to hide his baldness). His face reminds me of Steven Segal. I send him the following email:

Hey Scaredy Cat,
Your big hands & phone are in the way but the picture is not bad. You not a goat monkey! LOL! We have great emotional chemistry you never know until we meet. It’s how you laugh, the way you smile at me, how you look at me, the way you move, the way we connect, that’s all part of sexual chemistry, Why are you so insecure? You shouldn’t be. Actually you should be proud of what you look like now.
You are like the Edge-same hat.  I would like to meet you: I can’t tell from a picture if I’m attracted you in real life. Just chill.
M
I wait, no reply. The next day I open up my email and look at my phone. Still nothing. He apparently is so afraid that I will reject him on a physical level and he can’t deal with that. That’s why he doesn’t want to meet me. That’s lame. Even if I am not sexually attracted to him we should still be able to hang out as friends and enjoy each other’s company.
He finally texts me saying he hasn’t read my texts or email. He asks me to call him so he can hear my voice one last time. Am I dealing with Woody Allen”s neurosis here? Geeze Louise!
I text back: You are such a CHILD!!!!!
I will call him but I had to get this off my chest. It’s funny, sad and infuriating all at the same time. I will let you know how the conversation goes

Is this Beauty and the Beast? The online dating saga continues…

Is this Beauty and the Beast? The online dating saga continues….

Is this Beauty and the Beast? The online dating saga continues…

I took a break from online dating sites for a while, but decided to go back on to give it another try. I firmly believe that one must have an upbeat profileImage with updated pictures showing a fun loving person. I am very selective in whom I talk to. Something in their writings must hit a nerve or make an impression on me if I am going to waste my time conversing with them.

I see a dude check out my profile so I check him out. He’s a very cute young 50, with a creative career which I love. The photo is definitely dated. No way does he look like that now. Cool rocker playing guitar. I have to write. It’s in my nature to say what I think.

“Hey I saw that you checked me out so I have to reply. What’s up with that hot rocking picture? You look mighty fine for 50. I take it you found the fountain of youth?

He wrote back letting me know he loves that picture and he is eternally young.

Ha! We write back and forth finding out that we have very similar personalities and passions. He gives me his number and I call him. We talk for hours. I like his voice, it’s soothing. He’s intelligent and loves what he does; writer by day guitarist by night. I really like him but I still see a 30 year old guy. Very cute-who doesn’t like the rockers?

I ask him if he is a 500 pound bald gorilla with no teeth and he laughingly says he’s 6’2” 190 pounds, in shape man with thinning hair. Okay I get it. He’s bald.  I must admit I love hair, but then again I find the Edge from U2,  and Tim McGraw very sexy. Granted they both wear hats so their lack of hair isn’t magnified. According to him his body is the same as when he was young but he doesn’t look like his picture. Well of course he’s not going to look like he did 20 years ago. None of us do unless plastic surgery is involved. I want to see what he looks like now.

I have dated guys that I really liked who if I saw on an online dating site would bypass. But something in their eyes, the way they looked at me, the way they smiled, laughed attracted me to them. I have also dated beautiful model type men who were easy on the eyes but turned out to be assholes.

Looks are not everything but knowing what he looks like now is important. I tell him maybe we should just be friends that way it takes the pressure off if we don’t hit it off sexually. Now he doesn’t want to meet me. What is he afraid of? Why is he so insecure?  Is he the Beast from the fairy tale Beauty and the Beast? Is he that grotesque?

Ugh! What’s a girl to do?

Lessons Learned: Don’t ever accept a lover as a friend on Facebook

What was I thinking? I remember when we were driving one day and Justin said

“Hey why didn’t you accept my friend request on Fakebook?” My response was I don’t go on it much. Now I had to accept him how could I not? The problem about having someone you date on your private page is equivalent to allowing him to look at your diary. It’s very hard when that person who you were once intimate with is now dating someone else 2 weeks after he ended it with you and his face is there in front of you everyday in the friends photo’s section. Just staring at you. I tried to ignore his face but it was the very first one. Why couldn’t his photo be moved to the end of the pack of friends so I couldn’t see him? I tried to be friends with him for about a month, I really did but I couldn’t take it anymore. Trying to be friends with a X who hurt you is torture. I guess that’s why the Block option is available. It should be called the X Factor! AKA WE ARE NOT FRIENDS so F U! :^)

If you are dating please do not accept him or her as a friend. Save yourself the agony and grief. It’s not worth it. As George from Seinfeld said: The two George worlds are colliding. If you won’t take it from me take it from him.

The Breakup: The one who leaves almost always says-Let’s be friends while the other is left with…

Justin’s dog is sick and needs an operation which is scheduled for Monday at 8am. The vet that I recommend to him is 10 minutes from my house. I tell him he to bring his dog with him to spend Sunday & Monday  with me at my house. He can then take the dog to the vet and we can enjoy Monday together. Best laid plans seldom work out…

It is Sunday afternoon and we are playing in the pool when I teasingly say “You just want to be platonic friends?” He responds “Yeah. I think we should.” I shake my head and ask if he’s joking and he says no.

Here I am trying to be nice without losing my cool. He just doesn’t feel the fireworks with me like he thinks he should feel.  I don’t get it,  just a few days ago he tells me he really likes me a lot and now he just wants to be friends? Is he fucking nuts?

On one hand I want to tell him to go to hell and leave but on the other hand his dog has the operation the next day . Ugh. I feel trapped. My compassion wins out for the dog. I didn’t want to put any stress on it. If he had any sense he would have broken up with me the next day when he was leaving not before hand. That would have been the right thing to do. Are you hearing this Justin?

But now it’s out there right in front of us. My ego is bruised.  I try to make the best of it and tell him to stay the night. I’m not ready to let him go. He’s gorgeous with a beautiful body; just one more day of seeing his naked body next to mine… Okay maybe it wasn’t going to work out being lovers maybe we could be friends.  WTF was I thinking? Being friends with an X when you like him more than a friend?…I don’t think so.

The one who leaves almost always says: Let’s be friends while the other is left with…

Online Dating: The first 48 hours of Bliss-When the kids are away the adults will play…

red balloonsIt’s Friday and I’m spending the entire weekend with Justin at his house. On our 2nd date he told me that one of his favorite foods is a meatball sub. So I decide I will make it for him and bring it to his house for dinner. I arrive at 7:30. He opens the door-oh he is so sexy-I can’t get over how handsome he is. He smiles at me and kisses me. Lust is good.

We go to the kitchen and I ask if he’s hungry. He replies yes. I take out the ingredients and assemble the subs at his house. This way the bread isn’t soggy. I make 2 subs and we sit down and eat. I must say it’s mighty tasty. Red wine & sugar in the tomato sauce gives it a nice flavor. As I start to clean up he grabs me and motions me to sit on his lap. I comply, wrapping my arms around him as we kiss. He touches my face and smiles. I smile back and I melt.

We have a few hours of alone time before the kids come back. He puts on Roxy Music and we dance slow and sensual. We have our arms around each other as we hold each other close as we sway to the music. I look up at him as he kisses my neck. He feels so good. Oh how I want him. I can feel him getting hard.

He reaches under my blouse, unclasps my bra and cups my breasts. I let out a low moan. He leads me to the couch, I sit and take off my blouse and he takes off his shirt. He kneels in front of me and suckles my breasts until they are hard mounds. Oh my god he makes me so wet. He slowly kisses my stomach and pulls and licks my belly button. I squeal. It tickles. He unzips my jeans and slides them off along with my panties.

He goes down on me. He’s amazing. I come so many times as his tongue darts in and out. I can’t take it any longer. “Fuck me” I say breathlessly. He takes off his jeans and I guide him in. Slowly at first, then faster and faster. We move together in unison. My arms and legs are wrapped around his body. I can feel myself coming as I arch my back. He can’t control it any longer and with a final thrust he comes. He crumples on top of me. Our sweaty bodies are intertwined as one…

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