I recently moved to a small northwestern town in the Rocky Mountains. I live in a 400 sf loft condo near the top of a ski mountain 4500 feet above sea level. I’m far away from my friends and family. My new lover has the Holiday Blues and does not want my company. My girlfriend doesn’t want to make the journey up the treacherous mountain road to see me nor do I want to drive down, so I’m alone for Christmas.
The day before I drop off Christmas presents to Michael. I make the effort to make something for him. I enlarge a photo he loves and frame it along with a calendar of my travel pictures. He meets me at the door but doesn’t invite me in. I hand him his presents and he says thank you. We chat for a few minutes then he reaches for something which I think is a present, but it’s a white cotton pad for my injured horse.
That’s my gift? That’s it? He couldn’t even be bothered to get me a card? I’m annoyed. After everything I’ve done for him he gives me zilch, zero, zippo, notta, nothing. So he has the holiday blues? So what! I kiss him, say Merry Christmas and leave. I’m annoyed.
At first I resent him for being a jerk but now that it’s Christmas, I’m trying to make the best of it. I’m not going to let him ruin my Christmas. Just because I’m alone doesn’t mean I am lonely. Granted it would be nice to be with someone I care about, but that’s not meant to be.
It’s all a state of mind, I tell myself. I can be miserable or I can make the best of it. Society tells us that we must be with people during the Holidays. We must buy tons of non wanted presents and spend money for people who don’t appreciate us. I nix that idea and do it my way.
It’s snowing and white Christmas is upon me. Instead of being miserable I decide to enjoy my down time. I make a list of all the positive things about being alone on Christmas:
I get to watch all my favorite Christmas shows without being interrupted.
I don’t have to shhhh anyone.
I don’t have to hear snide remarks from others about what I’m watching such as A Year Without A Santa Claus-now that’s a great show.
I get to make desserts and lick all the spoons and bowls without having to share with others.
I can be in my pajamas all day or run around naked.
I don’t have to clean 6 inches of snow off my car and drive down the snowy mountain road holding my breath.
I can listen to any music I want without being criticized for my selection.
I can sing at the top of my lungs off key and no one judges me
I can eat what and when I want since there is no set agenda.
I can make my own fire in the wood stove and curl up on the couch without sharing it with anyone.
I can make a mess and not worry about cleaning it up for guests
I can call all my friends and family without being rude to guests
I can dance like Elaine from Seinfeld without being ridiculed
I don’t have to visit people and make small talk with strangers
Did I miss anything? Probably, but there’s always next year. So for all those who spent Christmas alone, I salute you even the Scrooges out there. Hah you didn’t ruin my Christmas! Bah Humbug!
There’s a Christmas party at our gym and Michael who is Bipolar and has the Holiday Blues wants to go. Free food and drinks how can one pass that up? We plan on playing racquetball then go to the party.
I pick him up at 4:30 he’s in his gym clothes. I want to say: “Is that what you are wearing to the party?” But I don’t dare since he would think I’m criticizing him as his father always does. I bite my tongue and say nothing.
We arrive at the gym but the parking lot is full and we have to park on the street. We walk in but find that the courts are filled with tables of food. I look at Michael and say: “Since we are here why don’t we just work out and then join the party?”
He rolls his eyes. I see that he’s not happy. I smile at him as I turn and go into the women’s locker room. A few minutes later I come out but can’t find him. I realize I left my phone in the car so I can’t text him. I then decide not to work out so I shower and dress and walk towards the party. Wendy the membership director comes up to me and gives me a note.
It reads, “J – I’m in a shitty mood. I’m walking home. – Michael. I fold it and put it in my pocket. I’m psst. Wendy says: “Even though he left why don’t you come and join the festivities.” I smile and walk away.
He fucking left me at the party he wanted to go to. He couldn’t even wait for me? He couldn’t call my name over the loud speaker? He couldn’t have someone come and get me in the women’s locker room?
I’m too angry to stay. I hate being left. It’s a pet peeve of mine. How dare he! I pack up my stuff and walk to the car. When I’m furious I either scream and yell or become silent. I choose the latter.
Once in my car I look at my phone and see a text from him: “Sorry I had to leave the gym. I was freaked out by all the people and how underdressed and unmotivated to work out I felt.” I ignore it.
I click the Resign button on WordFued that I play with him. He promptly texts back: “Why did you resign?” I still don’t respond. He texts again: !!!! Sorry I just sort of freaked out because there were so many people around and couldn’t find you and didn’t have my phone. Sorry!!!!
After driving around to clear my head, I pull into a parking lot and finally text back: “I’m psst. In the future if you want me in your life you won’t do that again. I hate being left especially by someone I really like. Whatever!”
“Sorry i totally schized out.” He writes.
“You knew there was a party. Whatever. I will leave you alone.”
“Just tonight. Or you can come hang out. I just freaked out standing in the lobby alone. I walked through the gym twice but kept coming back to the lobby and it was crowded but they weren’t serving drinks yet.”
“I didn’t work out just showered and look hot. I guess I’ll go to a bar and have a few drinks. Enjoy.” I text back.
“Ok sorry i totally bailed. U can Come here if you want to.
“I’m to hurt to stop by. Ttyl.
I’m too angry to go to a bar and decide to head home. What am I getting myself into? He hates the Holidays which I love, he’s Bipolar and he has panic attacks. UGH!!!!!
I really like him, I’m drawn to him. When he’s not self absorbed he’s a great guy. He makes me feel alive. As Carrie from Sex & The City said about Big: “I’m addicted to the pain.” That sums it up. Apparently I’m attracted to the Bigs of the world, men who leave. I think it’s stems from my childhood.
My mother and father had a very volatile relationship. We grew up with the police coming to our door and being driven to school in police cars. The fighting, the screaming matches between two people who once loved each other was so hard to bare.
I remember my father finally having enough and leaving his four girls with our disturbed mother. She had horrible mood swings and either lashed out at us emotionally or disappeared into her own world.
At the age of nine I packed my belongings into a little grey oval suitcase and walked to his apartment which was a mile away. I wanted to live with my dad. I couldn’t deal living with my mother any longer. I was daddy’s little girl.
Through the years my father gained custody of me and my three sisters, but it was a 10 year battle of constant unrest. I still carry the battle scars from the war.
I do understand Michael’s predicament but that doesn’t make it any easier. The feelings of being left by my emotionally unstable mother and physically by my father still haunts me. The memories are all too real.
As I drag myself into my apartment I pour myself a glass of wine and head to bed. Feeling blue and not being able to sleep I watch Oklahoma with Shirley Jones. I don’t know if it’s the movie, or the wine but I don’t want to be angry with Michael anymore.
I text him: “I’m done being mad at you. I forgive you for being a shit. I’m heading up to the mountains tomorrow”
He texts back: “Ok I will clean my house. Sorry I Totally fucked you over at the party. The mountains will be nice.”
I might have forgiven him but I haven’t forgotten. I am a Scorpio and we don’t forgive easily. Trust is earned it’s not given. I hope he understands that.
After a week of being together, Michael informs me he hates the Holidays which are right around the corner and that he is Manic Bipolar. Double whammy. I almost drive off the road.
As I compose myself, I try to lighten the mood and say with a smile; “Oh so you are Eor and Tigger from Winnie the Pooh?”
“Yeah that sums me up perfectly, that’s a perfect analogy.” He says as we both laugh.
My thoughts are far different then what I speak. Ove! Why do I fall for the Van Gogh’s, the troubled souls? Is it because they make life interesting? Is it my past that draws me to these men? My dad who I loved dearly was a womanizer and my mom was mentally ill. Is history repeating itself? Will I always find comfort in men who are incapable of loving just one woman? Am I destined to follow in my parents footsteps?
I really like Michael. He’s kind and sweet, well, when he’s not self absorbed in his own bullshit. He loves my horses. He’s so gentle with them. We both have similar backgrounds. He adores his mom but has a love/hate relationship with his father. I loved my dad but had a bad relationship with my mom. We grew up in upper middle class. We love the outdoors and animals. We love sex, the more we get the more we want. We are both intense and emotional. We are both loners. He’s a Cancer and I’m a Scorpio, according to the Horoscope charts we have one of the best relationships.
We have our differences though: He’s a right wing conservative and I’m more middle of the road liberal. But we respect each other’s opinion even when we spar. He loves talk radio and I love music (even though his passion is the piano). He has gigantic mood swings, while I wear my heart on my sleeve (most of the time).
I love his spirit. I empathize with him. I am connected to his soul. I feel his pain, his passion, his intensity, but does he feel mine? Will we survive, unscathed?
As the holidays are in full swing we are inundated with social activities, holiday music which starts before Thanksgiving, marketing gimmicks 24/7, and food galore. This is one of our favorite times of the year, a time to be with the one’s we love, but to others, it’s a time of great sadness.
My lover is in a full blown Holiday blues depression. He’s like Greta Garbo, whose famous line was: “I want to be left alone.” He has shut himself away from the world and it breaks my heart that I can’t reach him.
For the past four years, my friend Alise has been in a relationship with Justin who has severe anxiety and depression. I remember the countless calls as she cried over her predicament. I listened as she vented and gave her advice. It’s been a very rocky road but they have come a long way and now are living together. She stuck it out even though many times she thought about leaving. Her love for him kept her grounded.
I couldn’t understand why she stayed until now, now that I’m in the same leaking boat. I want to have fun and enjoy the holidays with him. He did drag himself out with me and his friends to cut down Christmas trees, so why can’t he be festive?
Am I being selfish to want to spend the holidays with him? I’m trying to understand where he’s coming from. I had a horrible childhood as well, but I do remember enjoying the Holidays. It’s taken me years to forgive my Mom but I’ve forgiven her, why can’t he forgive his Dad?
He’s in a new town, a new state, starting a new life with people who adore him, why can’t he let go of his past and forgive? Why does he let those who’ve hurt him win?
I’m done with the online dating scene. I can’t take anymore undesirable men hounding me. I miss the old fashion way where I actually meet someone skiing, or at the grocery store, or at the gym.
I recently joined a gym which has racquetball, but I have no one to play with so I ask the membership director to put the word out for me. A few days later she tells me about a guy who is looking to play. She gives me his number but he beats me to it. He calls me first and we set up a time to play.
I’m expecting him to be a 300 pound old gorilla but I’m in for a surprise. As I walk towards the court a really hot dude with a chiseled body and a big smile walks towards me. His blue eyes twinkle as he says my name.
I smile back and we introduce each other. We chat. He tells me he just moved up here and is looking to learn how to play. I tell him that he came to the right place since I’ve been playing on and off for 30 years. We laugh.
We play and he’s very good for a beginner. I teach him the rules and show him the different serves. I’m his teacher. We flirt. There is chemistry but I didn’t come here to fall for someone. I tell him we’ll be great friends. He looks at me and cocks his head and says ok, friends.
After we play, he says: “Let’s grab a drink sometime.” I say, “Ok”. I text him from the women’s locker. “How about after the gym for a drink?” He texts back “Yes”. What’s the harm since we’re going to be friends? But how can I be friends with someone I’m sexually attracted too?
We meet for a drink and I find out he’s 11 years younger than me. Some people would call me a Cougar since he’s in a different decade than me. But he’s just a friend. We have a lot in common and have a great time.
I find out he cyber stalked me so that’s how he knew who I was. I told him I tried to look him up but only found a silly picture of him which did not do him justice. We laugh and I put my hand on his shoulder. I know he’s attracted to me as well. Hmmm…
I follow him back to his house and we kiss for a few minutes. Finally I gently nudge him and tell him I have to go. We kiss goodnight and I leave. He watches me go. Part of me wants to stay but part of me needs to leave. I remind myself that we are just friends.
What am I doing? I recently left someone I care about back in New England-a FWB of 11 years and I’m not looking to get involved. I need to concentrate on work. I can’t start a relationship when I’m trying to get my life together. I remind myself we are just friends. Ugh!
So I come up with a name for us aka a label. We are Activity Partners. Yes, that sounds so much better than a FWB even though it’s the same thing. We’re not dating, we are not seeing each other, we’re not exclusive. We are just two people who enjoy each other’s company and love sex. End of story.
As the weeks progress, we hang out, hike, play racquetball and have amazing sex. I admit I do like him a lot. He has almost all the qualities I’m looking for in a man. I call him an ISEC: Intelligent, Sexual, Eye Candy but I can’t want more than that. I can’t let myself feel. I don’t want to be hurt again. I don’t want to be rejected. My walls are up.
From previous experiences FWB’s don’t work, someone always likes the other person more. And someone always ends up getting hurt. FWB is just a fantasy, which I seem to be in again.
My male friend who called me a MILF commented on girls night out as women on the prowl. Just because I’m going out with my girlfriend doesn’t mean I’m out to find men. I like to go out for the social aspect, a change of scenery. Yes, I like to look at good looking men, and I might even talk to them, but that doesn’t mean that I want to sleep with them.
If men go out to bars are they on the prowl or the hunt for women? Are they looking for that one night stand? Or are they just grabbing a few drinks and hanging out with their friends?
Why the double standard? Why are women labeled as Cougars on the prowl while men have free rein to do what they please without prejudice?
A male friend of mine recently called me a MILF. I had to think about what that meant. I asked a girl friend who clued me in. She said it’s Moms I’d Like to Fuck. Hmmm. Well, I’m not a Mom so technically I can’t be called one. I don’t care for that term.
This got me thinking about what boys or men think of older sexy women. Women who date younger men are called a variety of terms; Cougar, MLF, MILF, slut, whore, promiscuous, Wild Child, to name a few.
What are men called if they date younger women? Playboys, Gigelos? Are men sluts, whores, Wild Childs, or are they promiscuous? How about if we call them FLF (Fathers who Like to Fuck) or FILF (Fathers I’d Like to Fuck)? Let’s level the playing field when it comes to labels.
The last saw time I saw Big M was a little over 2 months ago. I was heading back East. Even though the last day we had a huge blow out we managed to remain friends. Over the months we texted, used our vocal chords and Facebook IM. I still care for him and love him, even though he drives me crazy. I realize that no matter how I try to help him, if he won’t help himself get out of the mess he got himself into, no one can help him.
He calls me and tells he loves me and that I was the only one who was there for him when he needed help. He says he couldn’t have done it without me. I tell him that I love him and that I will always be there for him. He tells me he’s grateful that I’m in his life. His last words to me on the phone: “I Love you”…
On July 27, 2015, he sends me a few pictures of himself working on the dude ranch in Montana. One of the pictures has a bandana over his mouth. I reply back; “Are you an outlaw now?” He replies back “Lol..yes.mami.am.” He sends me another picture of himself wearing a cowboy hat and sunglasses in the barn. I text him: “Not a bandit? Just a cool cowboy made in the shade”.
That night I sext him and say: “So are you gonna fuck me again?” He sends back a picture of himself in his van and writes: “I might do just that :)”
That was our last IM conversation. The next day I went on to Facebook to message him but his profile was gone. I couldn’t find him anywhere. So I click on to my business Facebook page and try to find him. His Facebook page is there. Dumbfounded, I realize he blocked me. No warning. Nothing. I text him asking him why he unfriended me and blocked me on Facebook?
I text him again: “WTF M? Don’t I deserve an explanation? Why you blocked me on Facebook? After everything I’ve done for you? Wow!”
“You don’t even respond?”
“When I asked you if you are going to fuck me again this isn’t the fuck I meant.”
He went ghost town on me. I don’t understand. I’m sick to my stomach. I rack my brains trying to figure out what I did but I don’t know. He’s ceases all communication with me. I finally break down and call his sister who’ve I’ve met and hung out with. She tells me it’s because I was talking to one of his friends on Facebook. What? First off I don’t talk to his friends, I just hit the Like button and comment on Big M’s stuff.
What are we in grade school? Second if I was talking to a Friend, why didn’t he have the balls to come to me and talk to me about it before cutting ties with me? He’s 57 years old. What a fuckin’ child!
Wow! After everything that I did for him. I paid for his SAG membership for a year. I paid his IRS penalties, I paid for 6 months of storage, I paid bills that he needed too pay. He didn’t put a gun to my head, but he talked endlessly about his financial troubles and I finally broke down and helped him. I had money from my inheritance and he knew that. I paid over $2500 towards his bills and if I add up all the dinners, entertainment, and hotels, that I paid for, that’s easily another $2000 that I spent on him. He also asked me to put $200 in to his checking account because he was in the red again, which I sheepishly did when I was on the road in Oregon.
He gave me his Stella guitar as collateral until he pays me back. He said it’s worth at least $500. Well, I looked online, it’s worth more like $50 in the condition it’s in. Apparently he just added a zero to it. I’ve been had!
My friend who was conned out of money on an online dating site says he’s a scam artist preying on innocent women. I didn’t believe it at first but the more I thought about it the more I realized she’s right.
Red flags: The warning signs:
Lie: He told me he was living in between apartments and living with a friend. Truth: He was living in his Van. I didn’t learn the truth until after I drove 17 hours to meet him.
Lie: He’s waiting for a call back on a commercial that’s why he can’t come up to Oregon to meet me. Truth: He has no money, no job, no home. He’s broke! That’s why he can’t come up to Oregon to see me. FYI: I did research him on the internet before I met him and he was legitimate as a Stuntman in Hollywood movies.
Lie: According to him his recent X he lived with was evil and treated him like shit and cheated on him Truth: After 2 months of dating (he met her online) they moved in together. She won a lawsuit and had money, but when her money dwindled he left her.
His money issues. Spending money on stuff he didn’t need, but ignoring his bills.
Blaming everyone for his problems except himself.
When he told me he lived in his friends back yard in a self made tarp tent for 6 months because he had no money and no job. He couldn’t even get a real tent or work? Hmmm…
When he told me his friends are sick of his problems and don’t want to deal with him anymore.
His sister telling me that he has always been this way: no control over money, depression, manic, only out for himself.
Before he blocked me, he texted me: “He’s leaving the ranch end of July to go back to the LA area to care for a Dear Friend who’s in a car accident on her way to see him. Her friend died & she was in a coma for 2 weeks. He’s going to help her walk again. She’s going to pay him $3,000 / month to take care of her and he will live there.” Apparently this was a lie as well.
I thought by being in his life I could help him get back on his feet. I should have run at the first sign but I wanted to stand firm since I’ve always run in the past. Now I see. He has another Sugar Mama to care for him. Within 2 weeks of disappearing his new girl friend contacted me and told me they were in love and he was living with her. She was also buying him a house near his sisters in Montana. WOW!
He doesn’t need me anymore. Am I angry? You bet. I’m floored. I wonder how many other women he’s done this too? Double dipping for months…Come to find out his new girl friend had an elaborate hoax saying that she was marrying Mark Calaway “The Undertaker”. She even changed her name on Facebook and other internet sites. In 2014 she created rumors that she was Barry Gibbs new love interest. How fucking sick is she for creating such lies?
Telling me he loves me? Is that a lie too? Truth: He never did he just used me and when he found someone else who had supposedly more money he dropped me.
Love is blind. I know I will never see the money again. But the worse part is how he went about cutting me out of his life in one fell swoop.
Lessons be learned. Mark my words: Don’t turn a blind eye when your gut is telling you to run.
It’s been a month since I left Big M in LA. Since then I’ve traveled around Oregon and Kauai. Now I’m heading back to New England for the Summer via Montana to see Big M. We’ve spoken almost daily. He drove his broken down van from LA to Whitefish, Montana. I can’t believe it didn’t break down going through those mountain passes. He made it safe and sound, however. I’m looking forward to seeing him again.
It’s close to midnight when I spot a Best Western in Kalispell, MT. I’m exhausted and in need of a good night sleep. Next day I’m seeing him. I awake to mooing and look out my window. You know when you are in Montana when your neighbors are cattle. I sext him:
Me: Morning Babe. I’m very wet, cum and fuck me.
Big M: Where’s my juicebox?
Me: I’m right next to you. I’m very horny. It’s been a while.
Big M: mmm..My cock is getting fuckin’ hard
Me: Cum to me and slide your big cock in…
Big M: I’m cummin’…
I head to the ranch where I will be staying for a week. I’m in awe over the beauty of the Rockies. Wow. I almost drive off the road looking at the snowcap mountains before me. I arrive and check in. I hear a familiar voice behind me and turn, its Mark. I smile and say:
He smiles and gives me a hug. He feels nice in my arms. I just want to fuck him.
They show me the ranch and then my quarters; The Appaloosa room is in the lower level of the main house is a small windowless room but it’s the cheapest. Anyways I’m only going using it for sleeping and fucking…purrfect..
Even though there are no guests staying at the ranch, No sleep overs-ranch rules, but they didn’t say he couldn’t fuck me and stay with me until 3am?
For the next week, we have fun. We hike in Glacier National Park, the natural scenery is amazing and ride horses to Canada. The mountain lakes are a beautiful turquoise blue. We play frisbee, eat at some wonderful restaurants and have great sex. Finally he’s doesn’t have pain in his neck, something is going right.
But there are moments where the dark clouds of foreboding play with Mark. He’s angry with his sisters because they don’t want us staying with them. I tell him I understand she doesn’t know me. He goes into a rage and starts punching his head. He’s so angry with her. Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. He scares me. He’s a raging lunatic. I try to calm him down but he continues. His face is beet red and his eyes are bulging. His face is distorted from his rage.
“Mark it’s okay. It’s not a big deal. We can stay at a hotel.” I say in a calming voice.
“No it’s not okay. You were the only one who was there for me in my darkest moment and you helped me. If her friend needed a place to stay and helped her out of a jam, I would let him stay with me!” He yells.
After a few minutes he turns into a little boy and starts sobbing and I hold him and rock him and tell him everything all will be okay.
He’s under a lot of stress due to his bills piling up. He doesn’t hold a gun to my head but his constant talking about his financial situation and the pleading in his eyes leads me to pay his bills. I have money from an inheritance and he is in need of financial stability so I pay the most pressing ones:
$750 to SAG for his membership good through November. If this doesn’t get paid now he will lose everything and reinstatement would be $3000. SAG card is vital to Actors/stuntman and those who work in the entertainment industry.
$285 to LA Superior Court. His speeding ticket he got when he was leaving me in Torrance CA.
$90 to the EDD Employment Development Department. They paid him too much and want their money back.
$217.93 to the ACSC taxes owed
$275 to the Unites States Treasury for back income taxes owed.
$650 I paid for his storage unit for 6 months in San Clemente, CA.
$100 I had to put in his BOA account because he was overdrawn (had to do that when I was on the road in Oregon)
$250 in cash back in Torrance CA to keep him safe for a few days.
Total: $2617.93 in real money not including food or lodging which came to another couple of grand. But I was trying to help him since he was my confidante, lover and friend.
I paid for all his meals and lodging. Of course he enjoyed my company he was living scott free.
His sister calls back and tries to let make him understand that she’s concerned about the dog who attacks Mark. He tells her that he will be careful and she finally gives in and let’s us stay for the weekend. We leave the ranch on Friday and head to his sisters for Mother’s Day weekend in Missoula. He drives the van and I drive my car since I’m heading back home.
His sisters live together and they are really sweet but they are at the end of their rope with him. They give me his history and it’s not pretty. He has always been this way. It’s not an occasional dark period it’s been a constant up and down struggle for him all his life. Now that he’s going to be 57 in the Spring, he has nothing to show for all his glory. It’s so depressing.
For a fleeting moment his troubles are gone and we hike the Big M. He’s so proud of the
college that his father went too. He shows me around. He’s like a school boy full of pride. I tell Mark that I would rather stay at a hotel for the night and not his sisters due to the dog and lack of privacy. We stay at the Holiday Inn Express in downtown for our last night together.
Best laid plans don’t always work out. Instead of having a great night we fight. He’s getting on my nerves with his buying habits. I feel resentment to dishing out the money trying to help him get back on his feet while he spends his own money on frivolous things. His whole lifestyle irritates me. We go to bed mad and wake up mad. It’s sad.
The next day is Mother’s Day and I’m leaving. I drop him off and say Goodbye to his sisters. I am feeling guilty for yelling at Mark and I apologize. We hug and kiss. He says he’s sorry for being such a loser. This makes me feel even more guilty.
“You’re not a loser. You’re just messed up.” I smile as I get into the car.
“I love you.” He says as he bends down and kisses me.
“Love you too. Take care of yourself. Okay?” I say as I look into his sad eyes.
After saying goodbye to Big M, I head to see my sister and husband in LA before my long drive back to Bend, Oregon. When one is in a car for hours the mind starts to wander. I think about the fun times; riding with him on the back of his motorcycle and getting off from the vibrations, giving him a blow job up in Palos Verdes Estates overlooking the ocean under the stars, and how he makes me so wet. The sex, even though he has issues he’s a wonderful attentive lover. We have a lot of fun and there is a lot of laughter.
But then there are dark moments that overshadow the sun. The day we met he hurt his neck and he was in agonizing pain which drove him to his knees. Then I think about all his emotional and financial baggage. My life has mirrored his and it scares me that I could end up like him, the man who lives in the van. Maybe that’s why we fight. He knows he has to straighten out his life before he can be in a solid relationship and I know that too. The Yin and the Yang. Drama is a constant in my life and I didn’t even take it in school. Oye.
We are apart for a month while I continue with my road trip. The following month we are meeting up again in Montana for 10 days at the dude ranch where he’s working as a wrangler. While we are apart we text/sext/IM almost every day.
Big M: miss u xoxo
Me: What part do you miss?
Big M: The wet juicy part..
Me: You always make me cum…
Big M: Yea and I gave you lots of cream..
Me: We all scream for ice-cream…Yum…LOL!
Big M: What cha doing darlin..Jacked off twice today…freekin horny today..he he xoxoxo
Me: Good boy, wish I was with you to lend a hand…
Big M: Hmm. I’m getting horny again.
Me: I can remedy that.
Big M: I want your tight.little juice box between your legs.
Big M and I are in bed after making love, I look at the clock and it’s 10:15am, check out is 11am. We kiss and get out of bed and head for the shower. Our first and our last shower together for a long time. He lathers me up and washes me carefully and I do the same for him. We fuck one last time with the water pouring over us, so hot and erotic.
We jump out of the shower, and get ready. Looking around making sure we didn’t leave anything and we walk hand in hand out the door. There is a line at check out and I can see that he’s edgy. He says he has to meet his friend at the unemployment office at 11:30. I tell him to go. He pulls me close and passionately kisses me and walks away. I watch him disappear.
I check out and head for the car. As I’m about to leave, I see that he is calling my cell. I pick up and he’s frantic. Apparently he just got stopped for driving 76 mph in a 35 mph speed limit zone, which is serious business. WTF is wrong with this dude? Does he just like to piss away money he doesn’t have? I tell him to calm down and don’t argue with the cop. He says he’s got to go because the cop is coming back.
The queasy feeling is back in my stomach. This dude is on a self-destructive road and it breaks my heart. I wait in the garage as the minutes tick by. Finally he calls back and tells me the cop was nice enough not to impound his motorcycle or arrest him. He did receive a $275 speeding ticket. I tell him that I put $250 American Express Traveler Cheques in his motorcycle bag yesterday, so that should help him. He thanks me for putting up with him and being with him through this horrible time in his life. He is so upset and I just listen. He has a good heart but he’s a mess. He tells me he loves me and I tell him I love him too. The last words to me are: I will see you in Montana. I laugh and say goodbye.
I’m torn. I know I can’t stay but I’m worried about him. I wish I could help him but he has to do this on his own-get himself out of this financial mess. If I stayed I would be giving up my dream of traveling and finishing my 6 month solo road trip. Meeting Mark was an interesting experience. I had the time and the money, so what the hell. He is part of my life now and I will always remember him as the man who lives in the van.
I wake up on the day that I’m leaving for Bend Oregon, my eyes are puffy from crying. I think back to the previous days events of the fight, Big M leaving me, walking out of my life. I know he’s wrong for me, but for the last 2 weeks we were together 24/7. I’ve come to really care for him. He’s a down and out Actor/Stuntman living in a van with so much potential if he could just get one more commercial…
I roll over and his smell still lingers on the pillow. I breathe him in. As I get up I look around and see his phone charger and a few other items he left. I pick up my cell and call him and he answers. We talk and he says he’ll be over shortly. Half an hour later there’s a knock on my hotel door and I open it. I give him a big hug and hold him.
“I’m so sorry”. I say as I hold him.
“It’s okay I’m a broken down cowboy, I deserve it.” He says in a soft voice as he breaks away from me.
I watch him as he passes me. He looks dis-shelved. He picks up his stuff.
“Mark. Stay with me. We have a few more hours. Please don’t leave this way. Please? I plead.
His sad steel-blue grey eyes look at me and he nods and says “Okay”.
I smile and say: “If you want to take a shower or just lie with me you can?”Or, if you want to shower with me and make love to me, we can do that too.
He laughs as he comes over and hugs me. He feels good as he wraps his arms around me. We start kissing and I can feel him getting harder as I press myself against him. He smells good. He takes off my dress and caresses my breasts, kissing each one until they are hard mounds. My body responds to him and I moan. I’m very wet. I want him inside me.
I take off his shirt and unzip his jeans and slide them down his legs. Then I push him on the bed. I take off his motorcycle boots as he watches me. He’s fully naked and his manhood his straight and full. I watch him and smile, teasing him. I lean down and engulf his penis with my mouth. He let’s out a gasp. My tongue darts about touching it. My lips suckle his tip. My mouth moves back and forth from his base to the top sucking and caressing.
I watch him. His eyes closed and his teeth clenched. He tips his head down, opens his eyes and I smile. Then he grabs me and pulls me down. Now it’s his turn to pleasure me. His tongue darts in and out and suckles my clit. I can feel the tugging sensation with his lips and my body moves to him. I want him in me now.
“Fuck me Mark fuck me now.” I whisper as my back arches.
He gets on top of me and I help him guide him in. Slowly at first he thrusts. One, two, three he slowly goes in and out, then faster but controlled. I grab his ass and pull it towards me. I am so wet, I am cumming. My clit is pulsating and I can feel my walls gushing with liquid. I scream with pleasure. He feels so fuckin’ good.
He can’t control it any longer and I feel his sweet liquid pulsating through my body. We lie for a few minutes crumpled on top of each other.
“My juice box” He says with a grin. I kiss him and laugh.
Relationships are like socks. In the beginning they are always seen together. They feel good, enjoying each other’s company. Life is good. Then the days, weeks, months, and years go by and they spend less and less time together. One day you find that your partner is MIA just like socks that have gone through the wash. Single again. The MIA sock has attached itself to another article of clothing, never too be seen together again. Just like the relationship that has gone south.
Now you just have single socks which you put into the single sock drawer. Holding on to them just in case the other mate shows up and you will be together again. The socks are piling up.
One day you realize that sock is never going to appear and you make the decision to throw it out or use it to dust.
I’m apparently a compassionate person because I should have said Hello, goodbye, nice meeting you, have a nice life, hope it all works out for you to Big M when I finally met him, but I didn’t. Instead I let him hang with me for two weeks in the Redondo Beach area (that’s where he is from). I felt guilty that I would be staying in nice places while he would be living in his Van, at Von’s parking lot. I do like him but he drives me nuts. Being thrown together with anyone, especially strangers 24/7 is extremely stressful. We went from online pen pals to living together. Now that would be a great Reality Show. What should we call it?
I figure, I’m on a 6 month solo road trip so I can chalk it up to experiences. He’s lived an exciting life as a Stuntman/Actor/Cowboy/Moto dude. Apparently I’m drawn to this type, bad boy. He’s also a pot head. I like pot on occasion but he takes a hit 5-6 times/day. He says it helps him relax and de-stresses him. He’s comfortably numb. It kind of turns me off. He doesn’t smoke cigarettes, take prescription pills, not much of a drinker and doesn’t do any other hard-core drugs, thank God. So I can’t complain about that. FYI: marijuana isn’t the gate way drug; alcohol, cigarettes and prescription drugs are. Let’s get that straight.
As Carrie from Sex & The City said about Big: “She’s addicted to the pain.” I think that sums up my life with men perfectly. I’m attracted to bad boys because they live life on the edge with passion and drama which makes me feel alive. Yep I admit it. I love the drama, the thrill, and the fantasy. I’m not alone here, we love the wild ones but discard the nice ones.
The Pro’s about Big M: He is very affectionate, always holding my hand and kissing me. The way he looks at me with those steel-blue eyes makes my heart skip a beat. He has a wonderful body, his abs are to die for, and he has a great smile. Plus even though he had that horrible accident with his penis, he actually is a great lover, who makes me very wet. I come every time.
I’m torn. We like each other a lot, but his behavior is driving a wedge between us. He wants to get himself out of this financial chaos he has created but he won’t do what it takes to do it. He says if he can only get one more commercial, he would get himself out of the deep hole. He should do an ice-cream commercial since that is his drug of choice. He’s moving to Montana in the Spring to work as a wrangler at a dude ranch for $1200/month. At least he will have a roof over his head and three square meals per day. It’s almost like jail but he has a bit more freedom.
We stay at the Marriott in Torrance, CA for the last two nights before I head back to Oregon. I actually call 15 hotels in the area and everything is full. Finally I find the Marriott. Oy! That’s stressful. Big M needs to go to his van and organize it since it’s a mess. I stay behind, because he needs to do this on his own. He takes his motorcycle. I hang out at the bar and by the pool. It’s alone time, aah.
I get a Cosmo martini but when the bartender gives it to me in a plastic cup it’s only 1/3 cup full. I stare at it and ponder; boy it looks awful tiny. I finally ask her what’s up with this $12 drink and she looks at me like I have two heads. She then snaps it up and puts in their martini glass and it fills right up. She says in a mocking tone: “See?” I just look at her. Wow. Deception.
She’s an A Hole. I don’t leave her a tip and complain to the manager about her rude behavior. I hang out by the pool enjoying the afternoon sun. Big M has been gone close to 4 hours. I envision him tackling his van and organizing it. I’m glad things are finally looking up. I can leave without worrying about him. I get a text from him telling me he’s on his way.
He meets me and we kiss. He looks depressed. He tells me that he went to his van and sat there for over an hour but didn’t do a damn thing. He then went to the gym and worked out for almost 2 hours and stopped at a burger joint on his way back. His only discipline is working out. If he could just apply that logic to the rest of his life he would be successful.
I realized then and there he will never change. He doesn’t have the drive to fix his life. He wants other’s to do it for him. No matter what I do for him he won’t take charge of his life and fix it. I finally see the light. He’s beyond hope.
I get up and tell him that I can’t help him anymore. I’m done. He’s dejected. We fight, well I yell and he just stares at me. We head up to the room on the 17th floor. He gathers his things and leaves. I don’t want him to go, I’m just venting. I beg him not to leave. I can’t bear that he will be in that van while I’m in this $200/night hotel room without him. He breaks my heart as he leaves with his guitar and backpack. How is he going to carry everything on his motorcycle? How?
He kisses me and walks out of my life.
I know it’s for the best, but I cry because I do care for him and he broke my heart. I cry for him, I cry for the loss of our friendship. I cry myself to sleep.
For the next two weeks I try to help Big M get his life in order, before I have to go back to Oregon. The Man who lives in a Van apparently has no Plan. I pay to get his van fixed so it’s road worthy, no more black smoke coming out of the exhaust. I make sure he has shelter and food. He stays with me in hotels and various lodgings. I take him out to eat, so he doesn’t starve. We do fun things together, which I pay for: horseback riding in Rolling Hills, Paddle Boarding in Carlsbad, hiking in Palos Verdes and Torrey Pines.
I am his Sugar Mommy. Once in a while he buys me an ice-cream. How nice of him. Tears roll down his face, as he tells me how thankful he is that I came into his life. I think they are real, he is an Actor so he could be faking it.
He is essentially a child in a mans body. He tells me he’s going food shopping and asks me to take him to Whole Foods. I wait in the car as he goes in. Twenty minutes later he comes out with four bags. I’m thinking at least he got some good food for breakfast and lunch. He gets into the car and shows me what he got. $75 worth of junk food! I look at him in disgust. He’s very happy about his ginger snaps and starts munching on them. He says it’s organic. So what! It’s still junk food with no nutritional value that he’s spending his money on! This irks me too no end. Here he is complaining that he has no money and look at what he’s doing with it? Serenity NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ever since he won the award 6 years ago for Stuntman of the year his life has been in shambles. He told me a few years ago when he was in between apartments and gigs (homeless), he lived in a friends back yard in a homemade tarp tent for 6 months. He couldn’t even buy a real tent? He was the talk of the town well at least in that neighborhood. OMG! WTF is wrong with this dude?
Couldn’t he get a job flipping burgers? Oh wait his ego would be at stake. That’s below him. He tells me he was on medication for his bipolar and depression but had to stop taking it when his health insurance ran out. Is there anything else that he hasn’t shared with me? Oh wait there is more.
We are getting hot and heavy and then he drops a bombshell on me. Apparently a few years back when he was doing a commercial, they hoisted him too high. When they let him go, his penis slammed into the steel railing. He was able to finish the commercial but was in severe pain. A few days later he had surgery which chopped of 1.5″ of his penis. He now has a hard time (no pun intended) performing in the bedroom.
Am I in a B movie? Or is this Candid Camera? Is Allan Funt going to come out and make fun of me and say Smile You’re on Candid Camera!? No one will believe me when I tell them this tale. My God being with this dude is like being trapped in quick sand. There is no place to hide. He is starting to annoy me. I will say it again Serenity NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Big M is a small time Actor/Stuntman/Cowboy/Moto dude. He’s gone from doing all right in Hollywood to living in a Van. He is one of the many thousands of past celebrities, once famous who are now on the edge of darkness. He does have a Facebook page with 1000’s of followers but no one except his closest friends and family actually know his downward spiral. Many friends have abandoned him in his hours of need.
What did I get myself into? Does misery love company? It’s apparently following me on my journey. Online dating sites present our best faces. How wonderful we are, our dreams, our hopes, our wants, our desires and who we are looking for. Can you imagine if we all told the world what we are really like? The Good, the Bad and the Ugly? Would anyone want us?
Big M lied, plain and simple. Instead of telling me his true predicament, he masked it as any Actor would. He asked me today if I knew about his situation before I met him would I have come? In all honesty, no I wouldn’t have driven 17 hours to meet him. I would probably have friended him online and if I was in the area I might have met him.
Does that make me a shallow person? I do have compassion and have helped many friends over the years when they were down and out. I have been down on my luck and I have had friends who’ve abandoned me in my time of need. I do care for him. He has so much potential still left, but he is lost amongst his own destructive behavior.
We are together 24/7 forced by circumstances of compassion and guilt. I feel as though I’m on a Reality Show. It’s almost like the movie Down & Out in Beverly Hills. I want to try to help him get back on his feet but is he willing to help himself?
“If there is a will there is always a way, but if there is no will, there is only delays.” – ME.
First thing is to get his stuff out of his ex girlfriends storage unit in Encinitas. She’s been obsessively calling and texting him. 28 missed calls, 21 text messages. We leave his van at Von’s parking lot, his home before he met me and drive an hour south following the Pacific Coast Highway. If we are going to do work we might as well enjoy the beautiful scenery on the way.
We have lunch at the Fishermen’s on San Clemente’s Pier and then walk hand in hand on the beach. We are having a wonderful time, bonding. It’s a beautiful sunny afternoon. Well when is the sun not shining in full force in southern California?
He sees some guys playing frisbee. He wants to play, the kid in him runs and catches the frisbee as it’s heading towards him. He then whips it to the other guy. They exchange pleasantries and he comes back to me with a big grin on his face. At 56, he’s still a child in an adult’s body, I do love that. I wonder however, if the Peter Pan syndrome will tear us apart?
We head to the storage unit and we talk to the manager. There is a storage unit available a few doors down from his current unit. We look at it, it’s a 5×10 which is bigger than his current 5×5 space he has now. I end up paying for 6 months which comes out to close to $700. He’s desperate and I have inheritance money so I can help him. Do I have Sucker written all over me?
His pain in his neck is killing him. How convenient. I tell him to take the car and get some pain killers and do the errands he has to do. I will start moving his stuff while he’s gone. Boy he has a lot of memories stored in the unit: trophies, buckles and photographs from rodeo and motocross days. Dvd’s and tapes of his stuntman/Acting auditions along with photographs of his modeling days.
Wow he really had a wonderful life. So sad it has come to this…
I find the strength to move just about everything over by the time he gets back. He’s amazed at my organizational skills. I remind him that my car is packed perfectly for all my needs for my 6 month journey. He laughs then hugs and kisses me.
He goes through his stuff and goes down memory lane, telling me of his work on past movies and commercials. His face becomes alive and animated from his glory days. For a moment he forgets his situation and revels in all the good that has been bestowed upon him.
He lives in the past because the present is too painful. My heart goes out to him
After learning that my could be lover is homeless, I decide to let him stay with me for the next two weeks. I’ve been in bad situations before, never homeless but down on my luck. I believe in karma what goes around comes around. It’s not like he’s a stranger who I let share my bed with. We have been conversing via phone, text and IM/Facebook every day for the past 1.5 months. He just left out some major details, like being broke, can’t find work as an actor/stuntman, ex girlfriend issues and living in a van. The SNL skit The Man Who Lives Down By The River resonates in my head. Oy!
Would I have come knowing this? Driven 17 hours from Eugene, OR to LA? I don’t know, probably not. But I’m back in warm, sunny California so I might as well enjoy his company. He’s affectionate with a nice body, a great kisser and a wonderful story-teller. He talks for hours about his glory days as a stuntman/cowboy.
We stay at an Airbnb, in Rolling Hills Estates for two nights. It’s on the same street he used to live years ago when he was doing well. He gives me a tour. I hear cats meowing, but they are not cats. Big M tells me I hear peacocks. They are everywhere. It’s amazing. The last time I saw one was in Paris France circa 1992.
We head back to the guest cottage. As we are getting ready to go out to eat I hear his cry. I rush into the bathroom and he’s on his knees holding his neck. His face is distorted from the excruciating pain. The pain juts through the back of his neck where it’s debilitating him. He’s swears under his breath and slowly gets up.
He tells me he had a neck operation six months ago due to his moto/rodeo days. The pain comes and goes and I can see it in his face. There is nothing I can do and it breaks my heart to see him this way. I try to a help him as much as I can. Is there anything else that can go wrong with him? Seriously? There is a dark cloud looming over his head ready to unleash its fury at any moment.
Minutes pass and the pain subsides. Maybe having a nice meal will make him feel better. I take him out to eat. I don’t want him to starve. He’s not much of a drinker which is good (alcoholism runs in his family) and he doesn’t get expensive items on the menu. His idea of food is hamburgers from a fast food joint and ice-cream that’s his drug of choice. Opposite from me. I like pubs and nicer establishments where I can sit in a nice environment and enjoy my food, drink and conversation without feeling rushed. I’m not talking about fancy just down to earth.
How can someone who eats like crap have such a nice physique? While I try to eat as healthy as possible but have a flabby tummy. Hmmm. He works out four times a week doing intense exercises. I think that’s the secret to looking good; those gorgeous abs attest to that.
Is this relationship going to last? What am I thinking? Maybe he will be one of those down and out actors who gets his big break again and turns his life around. You know the rags to riches story. It’s nice to dream, after all we are in California…
I drive 17 hours to LA from Eugene on boring interstate 5. Now that’s my record of driving solo in one day. I arrive at my cousin’s house Sunday night and crash on the bed exhausted from the drive. I’m meeting M on Tuesday so I have Monday to rejuvenate my body and mind. The original plan is to meet at Rat’s beach at 4pm but I change it to noon. I figured we would play frisbee on the beach since that is our game of choice and just have a relaxing day. I want to see those fantastic abs in motion.
I arrive at the beach at 11:45am and scout the area. I head to the beach and text him that I’m here. No reply. Now it’s 12, then 12:10, 12:20pm no M. I am starting to get agitated. WTF. I text him and I call him, it goes into voice mail, so I leave him a message. Did I just drive 17 hours to see a ghost? Am I at the wrong beach? I don’t know this area. I ask someone and they confirm, I’m at the right beach.
Finally he calls me. He’s upset, he thinks we are meeting at 4. Apparently he forgot about the time change. After 5 minutes of him venting I intervene and tell him it’s okay. He hasn’t showered, he wanted to look good, just came from the gym. Yada yada yada. On a positive note I get to see him at his worst, might as well get that over with. He says he’s driving a van.
I’m envisioning a cool black van, what I see coming towards me is totally different. It’s a blue and white vintage van something that a hippy would drive. He waves to me, parks and gets out. Hmmm. A little different from his pictures, shorter and much older looking that I expected, he could pass for an old man. Time has not been good to him. The only saving grace is his beautiful eyes, smile and abs. We hug and kiss. I close my eyes and I see the beautiful man he was.
We play frisbee for an hour, laughing and being care free, then we walk on the beach hand in hand. I do like him even though he’s not what I pictured. He’s still good-looking, with just more wrinkles. His personality is a lot like mine: a firecracker. I am drawn to him, but I know that being an Actor/stuntman/cowboy has a lot to do with why I met him.
We head back to our cars and he opens up his van to get some water. There is a lot of stuff in it. The truth comes out. He’s the man in the van who lives down by the river. He’s the man who lives in his van. That’s what he meant when he said he was in between apartments. Oy!
My heart stops. Man oh Man. He tells me that he moved out of his ex girlfriends house a few weeks ago and was staying with a friend for a bit but now he’s living in his van until he finds a place. I am a sap apparently. My heart goes out to him. Well while I’m here he’s not going to be living in a van, that would be cruel on my part. He can stay with me.
In the midst of a 6 month solo road trip I change my city and state profile to see if there are any guys I would like to meet. I change it to LA California. Of course there are many handsome dudes messaging me. One in particular stands out: He is ruggedly handsome with steel blue eyes that stare deep into your soul.
I read his message and check out his profile. I’m intrigued. He’s a hotty. He’s an actor/stuntman/cowboy/moto guy. I like it. I love that he’s creative, passionate, and good looking. All right the Actor/stuntman was what got me.
He says he’s real unlike all the fake profiles out there, so I message him back and we email a few times then he gives me his cell number. At this point I’m up in Jacksonville Oregon with lousy cell coverage. We finally talk. He has a deep masculine voice which matches his pictures. We talk for over an hour. I’m hooked.
I do check him out on the internet to make sure he is real. I find his name and it says he’s 5 years older than his online profile age. Hmmm. I normally don’t date people who are more than 5 years older than me, but I like him. I guess I can’t complain about that since my profile says I’m 5 years younger than my actual age. He has a Facebook page and we Friend each other. We talk everyday by some kind of format.
The fantasy of us together is building in my head. I could actually see us as an item. He’s everything that I want in a man and he rides horses that’s a plus, since I own two. Going to Hollywood parties and hanging out with this cool dude was part of the draw. We converse for a month and a half.
I’m now up in Eugene Oregon and he is still in LA. We are trying to meet. I have two weeks where I’m free. I look into flying down and renting a car but it’s too expensive and I would rather drive that sit in airports. We discuss meeting in Sacramento where he has friends, which is half way for each of us. That ends up not working out due to his work schedule: He’s waiting for a call back for a commercial.
He’s worth the journey. I have family in LA, so what the hell. I’m on a solo road trip where I can go wherever I want. If I don’t meet him I will regret it. My plan is to drive down the 5 from Eugene to LA. Stay with my cousin then head off to Palos Verdes Estates to meet him. He said I could stay with him but he’s in between apartments. I would rather stay at cute Airbnb’s cottages instead. We make the plans and I gather my stuff and head out to LA.
A so called friend told me about another online dating site. Curious girl that I am decided to check it out. My feeling; if you want to be noticed you must be creative, light heartened and funny. Why do you think Romance Comedies are successful? The following is my profile:
“Me Jane: Artistic, creative, impulsive, spontaneous and passionate are words which describe me. I’ve been called a Free Spirit, Bohemian, Wild Child and Enigma-those I don’t mind a bit. Girl in 3-D. Just don’t label me, I am not a can of soup! I am a true Scorpio-watch out!
Regarding my glove: It’s not on the wrong hand it’s on the right hand. Haven’t you ever seen a lefty? Hmmmm…
Who came up with those silly questions? Some of them deserve silly answers
I prefer to use my brain over a GPS. I don’t use or own one. I know so many people who can’t get out of their driveway without one. Crazy I say. The sun, landmarks and my brain show me the way. I find it so much more interesting when you don’t know what is around the bend. I am heading out. Do you want to come?
My motto: I don’t get lost. It just takes me longer to get where I am going…
To Whom it may concern:
You Tarzan: Are you easy on the eyes? Affectionate in public? A man with a brain (the Scare Crow); one who can have an intellectual conversation yet can make me laugh? Does anyone remember laughter? One who can stand at the plate and isn’t afraid to swing and miss? Are you passionate about life wanting to enjoy everything life has to offer? If this is you, come and knock on my door and say hello. Do you hear the theme song to Three’s Company? I would love to get to know you…
These are quotes that make me laugh:
Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you’re in the wrong house, that’s what it means. Henny Youngman
I am not looking to tie you down, chain you up & run you over with your truck and that goes ditto for me (except I don’t own or drive a truck – ME
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? -George Carlin”
Let’s be honest though, it’s the pictures which compel us to write to the stranger in the shop window. If we like what we see then we read or what we now call skim the profile. If the words and pictures capture us then we type a message.
My pictures are both fun and sexy. Nothing does more for a guy than a sexy picture of a smiling girl wearing a baseball hat of her hometown team (especially if it’s his team). That’s all you need-hook line and sinker.
I must admit I am sexually attracted to the younger version of the rocker that I’ve been conversing with. He reminds me of Tommy Lee from Motely Crue. He is now 50 but his picture is of him in his 20’s. He tells me he is falling for me. Well, he has an advantage over me because my pictures are all up to date. He sees what I look like now. I am real but he is just a fantasy.
How can I be sexually attracted to the present when all I see is the past? Emotional chemistry we have, but I know from experience one must meet in person if sexual attraction is there. Apparently there are a few exceptions to the rule. Keanu Reeves was hot 30 years ago and still is and so is Brad Pitt. Can this rocker dude still be as hot as he was? Hmmm.
Finally he agrees to meet. I tell him to meet me at Gillian’s, a sports bar. I tell him we can meet as friends, then the pressure is off. If we are not attracted to each other, then we can still enjoy each other’s company. If there is something more for both of us then we can take it to another level. If there isn’t then we will be great friends.
It’s 6pm on Friday and I walk up to the bar. There are a number of guys there as I search for a man I don’t know. Finally he comes up to me and says my name. He looks nothing like his picture. Wow what a transformation. He has a baseball hat on and I can see the back of his grey hair. His face is rugged. He looks more like Clint Eastwood than Tommy Lee. We hug and get a drink. We then play pool for a couple of hours. We laugh and chide each other. Emotionally attracted yes, physically attracted no! I wish I was, we would be perfect for each other.
But I am one of those honest people, who know right off the bat if I want something more. We say good night with a hug. The next day I text him telling him that I had fun and would love to be friends. He doesn’t reply until Sunday morning at 7am. The droning of the vibrating phone wakes me up. I look at the text: “Nope…Not ok with that…Take care.”
This hot rocker dude with the dated picture finally sends me an recent phone picture to my cell. His words are: “Nice knowing you. Take care.” I am dealing with a 50 year old insecure child! SERENITY NOW! I have an old phone so the screen is tiny. Can’t see a dam thing. Granted it’s a far away blurry shot with his phone and his hands are taking up most of the picture. I upload it to my computer for a larger view. He doesn’t look like a gorilla. He has a black cap on (I guess to hide his baldness). His face reminds me of Steven Segal. I send him the following email:
Hey Scaredy Cat,
Your big hands & phone are in the way but the picture is not bad. You not a goat monkey! LOL! We have great emotional chemistry you never know until we meet. It’s how you laugh, the way you smile at me, how you look at me, the way you move, the way we connect, that’s all part of sexual chemistry, Why are you so insecure? You shouldn’t be. Actually you should be proud of what you look like now.
You are like the Edge-same hat. I would like to meet you: I can’t tell from a picture if I’m attracted you in real life. Just chill.
I wait, no reply. The next day I open up my email and look at my phone. Still nothing. He apparently is so afraid that I will reject him on a physical level and he can’t deal with that. That’s why he doesn’t want to meet me. That’s lame. Even if I am not sexually attracted to him we should still be able to hang out as friends and enjoy each other’s company.
He finally texts me saying he hasn’t read my texts or email. He asks me to call him so he can hear my voice one last time. Am I dealing with Woody Allen”s neurosis here? Geeze Louise!
I text back: You are such a CHILD!!!!!
I will call him but I had to get this off my chest. It’s funny, sad and infuriating all at the same time. I will let you know how the conversation goes
I took a break from online dating sites for a while, but decided to go back on to give it another try. I firmly believe that one must have an upbeat profile with updated pictures showing a fun loving person. I am very selective in whom I talk to. Something in their writings must hit a nerve or make an impression on me if I am going to waste my time conversing with them.
I see a dude check out my profile so I check him out. He’s a very cute young 50, with a creative career which I love. The photo is definitely dated. No way does he look like that now. Cool rocker playing guitar. I have to write. It’s in my nature to say what I think.
“Hey I saw that you checked me out so I have to reply. What’s up with that hot rocking picture? You look mighty fine for 50. I take it you found the fountain of youth?
He wrote back letting me know he loves that picture and he is eternally young.
Ha! We write back and forth finding out that we have very similar personalities and passions. He gives me his number and I call him. We talk for hours. I like his voice, it’s soothing. He’s intelligent and loves what he does; writer by day guitarist by night. I really like him but I still see a 30 year old guy. Very cute-who doesn’t like the rockers?
I ask him if he is a 500 pound bald gorilla with no teeth and he laughingly says he’s 6’2” 190 pounds, in shape man with thinning hair. Okay I get it. He’s bald. I must admit I love hair, but then again I find the Edge from U2, and Tim McGraw very sexy. Granted they both wear hats so their lack of hair isn’t magnified. According to him his body is the same as when he was young but he doesn’t look like his picture. Well of course he’s not going to look like he did 20 years ago. None of us do unless plastic surgery is involved. I want to see what he looks like now.
I have dated guys that I really liked who if I saw on an online dating site would bypass. But something in their eyes, the way they looked at me, the way they smiled, laughed attracted me to them. I have also dated beautiful model type men who were easy on the eyes but turned out to be assholes.
Looks are not everything but knowing what he looks like now is important. I tell him maybe we should just be friends that way it takes the pressure off if we don’t hit it off sexually. Now he doesn’t want to meet me. What is he afraid of? Why is he so insecure? Is he the Beast from the fairy tale Beauty and the Beast? Is he that grotesque?
What was I thinking? I remember when we were driving one day and Justin said
“Hey why didn’t you accept my friend request on Fakebook?” My response was I don’t go on it much. Now I had to accept him how could I not? The problem about having someone you date on your private page is equivalent to allowing him to look at your diary. It’s very hard when that person who you were once intimate with is now dating someone else 2 weeks after he ended it with you and his face is there in front of you everyday in the friends photo’s section. Just staring at you. I tried to ignore his face but it was the very first one. Why couldn’t his photo be moved to the end of the pack of friends so I couldn’t see him? I tried to be friends with him for about a month, I really did but I couldn’t take it anymore. Trying to be friends with a X who hurt you is torture. I guess that’s why the Block option is available. It should be called the X Factor! AKA WE ARE NOT FRIENDS so F U! :^)
If you are dating please do not accept him or her as a friend. Save yourself the agony and grief. It’s not worth it. As George from Seinfeld said: The two George worlds are colliding. If you won’t take it from me take it from him.
Justin’s dog is sick and needs an operation which is scheduled for Monday at 8am. The vet that I recommend to him is 10 minutes from my house. I tell him he to bring his dog with him to spend Sunday & Monday with me at my house. He can then take the dog to the vet and we can enjoy Monday together. Best laid plans seldom work out…
It is Sunday afternoon and we are playing in the pool when I teasingly say “You just want to be platonic friends?” He responds “Yeah. I think we should.” I shake my head and ask if he’s joking and he says no.
Here I am trying to be nice without losing my cool. He just doesn’t feel the fireworks with me like he thinks he should feel. I don’t get it, just a few days ago he tells me he really likes me a lot and now he just wants to be friends? Is he fucking nuts?
On one hand I want to tell him to go to hell and leave but on the other hand his dog has the operation the next day . Ugh. I feel trapped. My compassion wins out for the dog. I didn’t want to put any stress on it. If he had any sense he would have broken up with me the next day when he was leaving not before hand. That would have been the right thing to do. Are you hearing this Justin?
But now it’s out there right in front of us. My ego is bruised. I try to make the best of it and tell him to stay the night. I’m not ready to let him go. He’s gorgeous with a beautiful body; just one more day of seeing his naked body next to mine… Okay maybe it wasn’t going to work out being lovers maybe we could be friends. WTF was I thinking? Being friends with an X when you like him more than a friend?…I don’t think so.
The one who leaves almost always says: Let’s be friends while the other is left with…
It’s Friday and I’m spending the entire weekend with Justin at his house. On our 2nd date he told me that one of his favorite foods is a meatball sub. So I decide I will make it for him and bring it to his house for dinner. I arrive at 7:30. He opens the door-oh he is so sexy-I can’t get over how handsome he is. He smiles at me and kisses me. Lust is good.
We go to the kitchen and I ask if he’s hungry. He replies yes. I take out the ingredients and assemble the subs at his house. This way the bread isn’t soggy. I make 2 subs and we sit down and eat. I must say it’s mighty tasty. Red wine & sugar in the tomato sauce gives it a nice flavor. As I start to clean up he grabs me and motions me to sit on his lap. I comply, wrapping my arms around him as we kiss. He touches my face and smiles. I smile back and I melt.
We have a few hours of alone time before the kids come back. He puts on Roxy Music and we dance slow and sensual. We have our arms around each other as we hold each other close as we sway to the music. I look up at him as he kisses my neck. He feels so good. Oh how I want him. I can feel him getting hard.
He reaches under my blouse, unclasps my bra and cups my breasts. I let out a low moan. He leads me to the couch, I sit and take off my blouse and he takes off his shirt. He kneels in front of me and suckles my breasts until they are hard mounds. Oh my god he makes me so wet. He slowly kisses my stomach and pulls and licks my belly button. I squeal. It tickles. He unzips my jeans and slides them off along with my panties.
He goes down on me. He’s amazing. I come so many times as his tongue darts in and out. I can’t take it any longer. “Fuck me” I say breathlessly. He takes off his jeans and I guide him in. Slowly at first, then faster and faster. We move together in unison. My arms and legs are wrapped around his body. I can feel myself coming as I arch my back. He can’t control it any longer and with a final thrust he comes. He crumples on top of me. Our sweaty bodies are intertwined as one…
Justin & I have text back and forth regarding “The Summer fling thing”. Funny though he says that he would be jealous (Scorpio thing) if I date other men, but it’s not ok for me to be jealous or hurt by his words. Hmmm… My friend Sara tells me to give it 3-4 months before asking for a commitment. Funny thing I never asked Justin for a commitment but as soon as he said those words to me-I realized I did. I let my walls come down and now they are going back up.
The weekend is coming up and I post on FB asking for suggestions on where I can go for a weekend getaway. We are finishing the floors at my dad’s house so I need to be away from Friday-Sunday. I plan on going away by myself. I am not calling Justin. No way…
On Wednesday Justin texts me asking if I want to spend Saturday night and Father’s day with him. His step daughter is having a Father’s day cookout. Since he asked me I respond; “k”. I text him that I will be staying at a hotel on Friday night and he invites me to stay with him Friday night as well.
I text back: a whole weekend together-are we going to get along? :^). He responds; “Yeah-it will be fine.”
I know this weekend is huge. Even though I am still feeling slighted I need to play it cool. I text: Hay hot & heavy can you handle 3 days of …?” He replies: “Not sure. U may change ur mind about me after this weekend. I respond: “Why will I change my opinion of u by end of weekend? Are u turning into a frog? Him: “Maybe I won’t keep up w u and ul decide im not so desirable.
I am hanging with my friend Mandy and I show her the texts. “Keep it light heartened” she says to me. Ok. I will I say laughing. I send him a picture of something silly and text him “I am not worried about u not keeping up w/ me. There r plenty of fun ways to get off…
Mandy and I laugh. “Keeping it light and fun is what I must concentrate on…
I am still reeling from the conversation with Justin a few days ago. His words still ring in my head like a broken record: “Summer is coming and if an opportunity presents itself I am taking it.” I need to talk to my friends about it. I will post the following question on FakeBook: “I am dating a guy that I really like who tells me he doesn’t want a commitment. What should I do?”
My friends answer the question. A few say he might be scared, just give it time, others say cut him loose because you want more than he can give you-a few likes with that one register from other friends. A close friend said give it 3-4 months. She says; “Just have fun-enjoy each other. He will come around.”
Justin befriended me on FakeBook and saw the post. He’s livid. He rattles off texts to me. “How dare anyone give advice that they have no clue too?” I tell him no one knows who he is. I posed a question asking for advice from my friends on my wall. He is letting off steam. He says I should give it 3-4 months before jumping ship.
I know it’s only been 3 weeks that we have been dating. Rationally I know this isn’t much time. Why am I so hurt by the fact he doesn’t want to date me exclusively? Pride? Ego? From the moment I saw him I fell for him-at least sexually & physically. I’ve dated over 30 guys in the last 1.5 years and it’s always been NEXT! I am very choosy whom I date. I didn’t want a commitment-just casual dating.
All of it changed when I met Justin. I finally meet the guy that I can envision in my life for more than a few dates. His affection towards me is real-I know that-I can feel it. He acts like he really likes me and he tells me he likes me a lot. We talk about doing things in the future. I am confused.
His words haunt me. How can I have fun knowing he is going to dump me for someone else?
Justin and I have been dating almost a month. When we are together we have a blast. It’s Friday night and he is heading to my house from work. I open the door and he gives me a bear hug and a kiss. I melt. He is so affectionate.
“Are you hungry?” I ask as I lead him to the kitchen.
“Starving.” He says.
“You are going to help me make dinner. Can you handle that?” I say smiling.
“I think I can. You just tell me what to do and I will do it.” He says with a grin.
He is so cute with those laughing eyes.
We make Chicken Paprika which is chicken, sautéed onions, sour cream and lots of paprika over rice. It’s quite easy to prepare and delicious. My sister Ava joins us for dinner and we sit for hours talking and drinking wine.
After dinner we make a fire and listen to music and dance. The way he looks at me I feel as though he is looking deep into my soul. It’s a little un-nerving. I am starting to let him in-my walls are coming down. But apparently all is not rosy on the home front…
The next day as he is leaving to go home we start talking about relationships. He motions me to sit on his lap and I say: “If you ever want to get rid of me cheat on me.” Apparently those words didn’t register because as he is getting into his truck he says:
“Summer is coming and if an opportunity arises I will take it”.
I am floored. Didn’t what I just say to him register at all in his brain?
“What does that mean?” I asked searching his face for an answer.
“It means that I am not ready to be in an exclusive relationship.” We’ve only known each other a few weeks.” He counters.
I am speechless. I shake my head. I can feel the tears welling up and I walk away. I can hear him call after me;
“Doesn’t mean that I will. l am just saying”. I can hear the truck door close and I hear him pulling out of the driveway.
My heart is breaking. Here he is telling me that he really likes me a lot and the way he is so affectionate with me I know he cares deeply and then he tells me this. I can’t figure him out…
I was told by my past two lovers that I couldn’t handle relationships. Well they are wrong. Apparently they have no clue about a girl and her horse (s). I just spent the last hour out in the field in this f’in 95 degree heat adding new pasture so my horses could graze on real lush grass (Star & Locket are 13+ years-had Star since she was 2 months and Locket since she was 1.5 years old). What we do for our horses! If men only knew our commitment! Ha!
Lesson learned: When someone says let’s just be friends translation he/she met someone else. It also means I really don’t want to be friends with you I’m just saying it to let you down easy and be nice. When in reality that is a lie. Here’s my advice don’t say it if you don’t mean it. Don’t say anything nice at all-just say goodbye…The End
If you want to see the Scorpio come out in me just lie to me. Everything you said to me – was that just a lie? Trust is earned it’s not given…Lessons learned…
PS. It takes me a while to let go of the pain…I will eventually get back to the even keel. I will get there. What you call weird is just me lashing out because I allowed you in and I allowed myself to get hurt…
Justin and I have been dating 3 weeks. We talk on the phone or text every day. Our 4th date is coming up. Originally he told me he wasn’t ready for me to meet his daughter apparently she didn’t like anyone he brought home. He didn’t want to deal with it. Things changed on the day we were getting together. A few hours before we were to meet he calls and leaves a message asking me to meet at his house. His 16 yr old daughter needs a ride to work. This way we have an unlimited amount of playtime. Yes I like this plan much better. I call him back and he tells me to bring my overnight gear. Hmmm…I like it a lot…
At 3 pm I arrive at his house and his daughter Julia answers the door. She is stunning just like her dad. She is a cool kid. I like her. “He’ll be right down” She says as she leads me to the living room. Justin saunters in. He is so handsome: Tall, chiseled, masculine. He gives me a bear hug and leans down to kiss me, smiles and says hello. I smile up at him.
“Julia are you ready?”
“Yep” Julia says.
“Let’s go” Justin says.
He drives a truck so I let Julia sit next to her dad. After we drop her off at work, we go to Mel’s Fun Park. We ride the Go-Karts – I leave him in the dust and then we play mini-golf. Very close game. Granted it took us a little longer because we were all over each other. He won by 3 strokes. It was fun to be silly and not have a care in the world.
“Are you hungry?” He asks me.
“Starving” I tell him.
“There is this pub with outdoor seating that we could go to?”
“Sounds good let’s go.” I say.
The meal isn’t anything special but being with Justin is. He is so affectionate. He has this habit of leaning over and kissing me. No matter where we are-he is so attentive. I love it. And when he looks at me with those hazel eyes I just melt. He is beautiful.
We get back to his place close to midnight. I have had a little too many drinks. We say good night to his daughter and her friends and head to the bedroom which is right off the living room/entry. He tells me we have to be quiet. I feel that we are the kids.
It’s hard for me to not be vocal especially when I am with a hot guy. I put my arms around him and we passionately kiss. He nibbles my ear, my neck and my breasts; suckling each until they are hard mounds. I feel my heart racing and I let out a moan. “Shhhh” he says. I can’t help it-he feels so good. I bite my lip and hold my breath.
He backs me to the bed and I instinctively sit. He kisses my stomach and then he pleasures me for hours. I am so wet. He makes me come so many times. He is an amazing lover one of the best that I have had. We are both drenched but it feels so good as he puts his arm around me and holds me close as we drift off to sleep.
The next morning I wake up and he still has his arm around me. I turn and look at him. He opens his eyes and I smile. I tell him “I had this amazing dream-it was so real-we were doing a 69”. He smiles at me and says; “it was real-we did do it.” Then I remember and I laugh.
We start to kiss and I can feel him getting hard-morning sex-the best kind. I need no lubrication I am ready for him. He feels so good in me. He is just about to come when his daughter knocks on the door. She asks if she can take his truck to work. He tells her ok. Oh Man-getting caught by his daughter. We try it again, but she knocks again. Hmmm…I think she knows…
We hang out for the rest of the day, just chilling. We watch Eric Clapton Live and Running on Faith is playing. I am sitting on the couch and he walks up to me and puts out his hand-“Dance with me” He says. We slow dance in his living room. My head comes up to his chin. He holds me close and then I put my head on his chest and we dance. He is so tender. I am falling for him.
I drop him off at his daughter’s work so he can get his truck. He comes back to the car and I get out. We are standing behind my car on the main street. He gives me his bear hug and holds me for what seems to be eternity. I never want him to let me go. As we kiss-I want him again.
After I leave I meet my girlfriend Andrea at Martha’s and we have dinner. I look down and I see a text from Justin: It says: Hope u made it home safe & sound. I really enjoyed our time together. :^)