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HotChild2012 – Dating or Whatever We Call It

Dating experiences with an edgy twist

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dating

From Friends to Lovers: Dating or whatever we call it

Jonathan and I had a great time in San Diego. We enjoyed each other’s company and had a blast. It was good. We overcame the hurdle of miscommunication and mistrust. A few weeks after we got back, he calls me up on a Friday at 9 pm and asks if I want to come over. Hmm is this a booty call? I think so. What the hell, I tell him I’ll be over in a bit. He gives me his address and we say goodbye. It’s not too far which is good about 15 minutes. 

I jump out of bed, I know Friday night at 9 in bed? Yep, that’s boring old me. I throw some jeans on, a v-cut long sleeve sweater, not too revealing, and high heel boots. I put some makeup on, lipstick and eyeshadow, check myself in the mirror and head out. I don’t want to look to dressed up as though I’m hitting the town. I’m just going over a friend’s house to hang out. 

I arrive at his house around 10. He’s on the porch with a glass of wine in his hand as he walks out to the car to greet me. I get out and we hug. I can tell he’s had a few drinks, maybe that’s why he called me so late? Wine lowers inhibitions. We walk back to the house and sit on the porch. It’s cold but the stars are incredible against the black sky. He offers me a glass of wine and I accept. As I swoosh it around in the glass I look up and he’s watching me. I smile as I sip it. 

“How did you know that I would be available on a Friday night?” I ask coyly.

“I didn’t, but I impulsively called you.” He says smiling back.

“Aah, I’m glad you did” I say as I take another sip.

“We had a lot of fun in San Diego, Remember when we were walking on the beach and those nude guys walked by? He says laughing.

“That was hysterical. You should have seen your face! It was so funny! 

“I wasn’t expecting that at all” And remember when we were driving in La Jolla and we were at the stop light and a bird shit on the bald guy’s head in the convertible next to us?! 

“OMG I forgot! That poor guy! I felt so sorry for him. I wanted to give him a tissue but the light turned green and I couldn’t” I said laughing almost spilling my drink.

We can’t stop laughing. I have to put down my glass as I grip my stomach and wipe away the tears rolling down my face. Jonathan is bowled over as well. After a few minutes of non stop laughing, we shake our heads and laugh again. 

“I can’t take it anymore. My stomach is killing me I say as I get up from my chair. I’m going to pee my pants. I got to go to where is it? I ask.

“It’s down the hall, first door on the left, I’ll show you just in case you get lost I don’t want any accidents on my clean floor” he says as he escorts me through the door laughing. 

“You’re funny, haha”, I say,  As I enter the bathroom, “Thanks, you’ll make a great escort someday.”

“You’re a comedian aren’t you? He says as he laughs. 

“Good thing I wasn’t wearing eye make up I would have looked like Elaine from Seinfeld in the steam” I said as I walked towards him.

“That would’ve been funny, I haven’t laughed this much since San Diego. We have a lot of fun together don’t we? He says as he puts another log in the wood stove. 

“Yeah me too” I need a good laugh”. I say as I curl up on the couch.

“Do you want another glass of wine? He asks.

“Yes, please” as I hold out my glass. 

He pours the wine and then pours himself another as he sits down next to me. It’s quiet for a few minutes as we stare into the fire. It’s a bit awkward, now what? What seems like an eternity he turns to me and leans in for a kiss. I’m taken aback but I kiss him. It’s soft but nice. I open my eyes and I see him looking at me. 

“Hmmm…that was nice and unexpected.” I say as I pick up my glass and take a sip.

“Would you like to do it again?” He smiles as he leans in again for another kiss, this time it’s more than a kiss on the lips. He kisses my neck and nibbles my ear. I roll my head back, it tickles and I almost laugh but I hold it in. From friends to enemies back to friends to …?

He stops and gets up holding out his hand. I take it and he leads me to his bedroom and we make love for the first time. He’s gentle but strong and he knows how to pleasure. Afterwards, we fall asleep in each others arms. We can’t get enough and have sex all night into the early morning. As we lie in bed breathing heavy I say; 

“I think I must have had a dozen orgasms. Boy you’re good” I say as I roll over towards him.

“I try but it’s so easy with you.” He says hoarsely. 

“Hmmm I murmur, I love morning sex” as I kiss him.

He lets out a groan and says “You’re killing me I need some sleep.”

“Okay I’ll let you sleep. I have to get going anyway, It is a work day you know. We’ll have to do this again sometime soon” I say as I get out of bed. 

He mumbles “Yeah”.

I watch him sleep as I get dressed. He looks so peaceful. I would love to stay but I know I will have to leave eventually and this is the best time to leave. I bend over and give him a kiss. He grabs me and starts undressing me. 

“I thought you were exhausted?”

“I am but you can’t leave without morning sex” he says as he kisses me.

I’m putty in his hands, I let him devour me once again…

As I finally say goodbye and walk out the door, a big smile crosses my face. What a night, I say to myself, what a night!

A Do Over: Dating or Whatever We Call It

relationships breakup back together
Any regrets?

As I’m driving back to the hotel, The Dana on Mission Bay, I smile to myself. The last couple of weeks have been torture avoiding Jonathan at work and getting my life together after leaving my husband. All that anger and hurt has dissipated. I’m quick-tempered one of my many faults. Yes, I’m human, but the art of forgiving feels so good. Maybe it’s sunny California, how can I be mad in such a beautiful place? Could this be A Do Over?

After getting back to the hotel room I take a long hot shower, rinsing the salt and sand off my body. I feel refreshed. I pick up my cell and debate whether to call Jon. What the heck. I hit send and it’s ringing, one ring, two rings, three rings, four rings, I’m about to end the call when I hear a breathless voice on the other end.

“Did I get you at a bad time?” I ask.

“No we just got in” He quietly says.

“I was wondering if we could meet and talk?”

“Are you going to throw another drink in my face?” He coolly asks.

“No I promise not to. No drinks. I thought we could take a walk. I found this great hiking trail at  Torrey Pines State Natural Reserve in La Jolla and I think you’ll love it. It’s overlooking the ocean and we can walk down to the beach. How does that sound?”

I hold my breath as there is silence. “Okay” he says “I have to grout my sisters tile bathroom, so how about tomorrow morning about 10?”

“Great! I can pick you up and we can go from there. What’s the address?”

He rattles it off and I quickly jot it down on a piece of paper.

“Okay got it. I’ll see you tomorrow at 10. Thanks. Have fun grouting. Bye.”

As I get ready for dinner. I think about what I’m going to say and I speak into my voice recorder on my phone. I feel as though I’m an actor rehearsing my lines for opening night. This is my final chance to explain and say I’m sorry. The question is will he forgive?

I have dinner at the Firefly out on the patio overlooking the lighted pool. The Short Ribs melt in my mouth-delicious. The Riesling is light, yet sweet, just the way I like it and the  service is impeccable.  I’ll have to Yelp about it and give it rave reviews.  After dinner I walk around the Marina thinking about tomorrow. I’m nervous. I have to get this right. No losing my cool. Hopefully we can just start again.

I wake to the sound of waves on my alarm. It’s 7 am. I stretch and get out of bed. It’s a beautiful sunny day. I decide to take a swim and do some laps to shake the nervousness away. I have it all to myself, aah-heaven.

After a quick breakfast at the Pearl I get ready. I check myself in the mirror one last time before heading out. I find the apartment complex and see Jonathan sitting on a bench. I wave and he walks over.

“Nice wheels” he comments as he gets in. He’s wearing jeans, a T-shirt, a light blue wind-breaker and boat shoes. He looks like he’s going sailing rather than hiking. I bite my lip and say “Looking good kid”.

As we drive we talk about everything except about us. I pay the admission fee at the entrance of the reserve and we drive up to the top of the hill and park.

“Isn’t this beautiful?” I ask as we walk towards the trail.

“Yeah it is” he says as he looks around.

I can’t help it as I say jokingly “Are you going to be okay in those shoes? There’s a lot of slippery spots”. I don’t want you to tumble off the cliff.”

He looks down at his shoes and says with a dig “Yeah just as long as you don’t push me off the cliff I’ll be fine.”

I laugh. “Promise Cross my heart. Scouts honor.”

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Torrey Pines State Natural Reserve

We look at the trail map and decide on taking the Razor Point Trail to the Beach trail and then walk on the secluded Black’s Beach. It’s a beautiful hike through the colorful jagged and worn sandstone cliffs.  Vibrant colors of golds, reds, pinks and cream sandstone create a desert oasis against the back drop of the Pacific Ocean with the rare Torrey Pines dotting the landscape.

All my anxiety is gone. The views are our conversation. It’s nice just to be with him enjoying nature’s paradise. As we near the beach the path becomes narrower as we make our way slowly around the cliff. Jonathan reaches for my hand as we make the final decent to the beach. His hand feels nice in mine.

We take off our shoes and walk barefoot along the water in silence.  Finally I blurt out: “I’m sorry for not telling you earlier that I was married. I guess I wasn’t expecting to have feelings for you. And when I realized that I did I was scared to tell you. And when I did tell you that night you said you couldn’t date someone who was married. Then the next day when I told you I was getting a divorce and you didn’t remember I was in shock. I guess I thought everything would be okay. Jonathan you’re not the reason I left my husband, I needed to be free. It was over before you came into my life. Please understand that.” The words tumbled out of my mouth. I looked at him pleading.

He stops and looks at the waves before looking at me. “I’m sorry too.” I like you but I just got out of a serious relationship and I don’t want to be dragged into someone else’s drama. I have enough of my own. And when you threw that drink in my face I was done.”

“I know.” I say quietly. “Throwing a drink in your face was childish. I was so hurt from your reaction and not able to get through to you. But that is no excuse. After a while I put myself into your shoes and thought about it and I realized I went about it the wrong way.  I can’t do anything about it, but I just wanted you to know. I’m hoping we can be friends and maybe someday more?”

“Friends? Yeah we can be friends. We’ll see how it goes. I can’t make any promises, but” his voice trails off as a naked guy saunters past. “What the…” he says in astonishment.

I laugh as I say “Oh its California you know the land of the free!”

We both break out in laughter. Life is good.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Day After: Dating or Whatever We Call It!

Teetering on the edge: Relationships
Teetering on the edge

I remember the day that changed my life forever. I was in the kitchen with my husband. He was standing against the stove when I broke the news to him of my feelings for another man. I asked for a divorce. He just looked at me, as tears welled up in his eyes and shook his head. As he walked away he said “Okay, you win. I’m not going to fight you” I stood there watching him walk out the door. Finally, I was free.

I wasn’t thinking about how I hurt him or my immediate plans or my horses or my dog, or my living arrangements, or my life. I didn’t plan, I just mechanically went through the motions of numbness. I called my friend and told her what happened. She offered a place for me to stay while I sort things out.  I packed a bag and left.

I was looking forward to a new chapter in my life with Jonathan. My dream of designing and building with a man who would be my business and intimate partner was what I wanted, or so I thought. I was banking on a fantasy. As children, we are led to believe that our Prince or Knight in shining armor will whisk us away and make everything all right. I was wrapped up in the fantasy.

Jonathan and I had plans to drive up the coast for the weekend. I called him and excitedly told him the news of my divorce. Silence on the other end. I thought I had a dropped call. The Verizon commercial “Can you hear me now?” resonated in my head. “Are you there?” I asked. Finally, the silence was broken.

“You’re married?” he asked.

I was dumbfounded. “I told you at dinner last night that I was and you said you couldn’t date someone who was married. Don’t you remember that?”

“No”

“What do you mean NO? I countered.

“We talked for hours and you never told me you were married”! he yelled.

I pulled the phone away from my ear as I looked at it in disbelief. WTF! “Yes, I did at the end of the night. We made plans for our future. We talked about designing and building together. We made arrangements to go away together. What is wrong with you? Do you have amnesia?  I asked my husband for a divorce because I don’t believe in cheating and that’s all you can say to me? Are you serious?”

Again silence. “Hello”! I scream! No answer. I look at the phone and it says call failed. I’m beyond bullshit. I just threw my marriage away over a guy who has amnesia. What was I thinking?

He texts me a few minutes later telling me he’ll pick me up at 8 and we’ll talk. I reply, Okay and text the address. Thoughts are whirling around in my head. How could I be so naive? What foolish notions did I conjure up? Is he for real?!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Kiss: Dating or Whatever We call it

HotChild2012“The Kiss”

I take your hand and lead you to the dance floor

wrapping my arms around you as you pull me close

“I want to kiss you all over” by Exile is playing in the background.

I brush my lips against your cheek and suckle your earlobe.

You let out a low groan.

I can feel your penis harden as you pull me closer to you.

With eyes closed, I slowly make my way to your neck,

Kissing you ever so softly.

Feeling my way to your lips.

My mouth touches yours.

We kiss, my tongue cautiously enters.

Prodding, feeling my way into the darkness.

Our tongues meet and become as one

dancing, caressing.

Wanting more, our souls yearn to love again…

To My Passionate One,

Love,

Me

 

 

Revising OkCupid Profile: Dating or Whatever We Call It

I get bored with my online dating profile from time to time so I give it a makeover.  I still lean towards the humorous dribbling, however. This one is a little crazy, I know, but its storytelling.  Take a look and tell me what you think?

“What a Feeling” looking forward to that “Summer Breeze” and “The Boys of Summer”. Let’s have some “Hot Fun in the Summertime” on a “Hot Summer Night”.

I do prefer “The Sounds of Silence” of nature over “Summertime in the City” however, I can be a “Hot Child in the City” when I choose to be.

“Must of Got Lost”. This free spirit is “On The Road Again” “Riding The Storm Out”, but not with Willie. Writing about her adventures on the “Road Not Taken” In The Company of None. If you see that I change cities it’s because I’m checking out the scene.

“Don’t Bring Me Down”. As Mr. Big says to Carrie: “Sometimes you just want to be with the one who makes you laugh. I’m everything and nothing all at once. Can you handle me? I’ve been called a Free Spirit, “Wild Child”, Bohemian, Enigma, just don’t call me Donna Reed or Ma’am or label me, I’m not a can of soup.

“Communication Breakdown” seems to be the norm with online dating.  “This Sweet Talking Woman” who is “Breaking All The Rules, “Needs A Lover” who’s going to “Light My Fire”. “Just don’t Go Breaking My Heart”. “Are You Tougher than the Rest?” This “Wild Thing” is looking for an activity partner or a lover who will drive me crazy to hike, kayak, explore, “Dance With Me”, converse, laugh with that Abby Normal kind of way. I gravitate towards the creative, artistic and passionate souls.

“Just Between You and Me”: “Are You Going to Love Me Like a Man?” Just don’t make “Promises” you can’t keep. Even if you are “The Boy From New York City”, I’m not looking for a one night stand at the “Memory Motel”.

On that note:

“Take A Chance on Me” on the “Crazy Train” as we go down “Ventura Highway”. If you would like to “Serenade” me, I’d like that.  Maybe we can find some “Wild Mountain Honey” on this “Beautiful Day” and fly a “Kite”.

I love my 420. When I first saw it, I wondered what area code that was, but now I know! I will always answer it.

For those who are slow on the uptake, the quotations, are either song, movie or poem titles.

I’m worth the journey. Are you?

 

 

OkCupid Revisited​: Dating or Whatever We Call It

 

IMG_5472After a break from online dating, I’ve gone back to it. Call me a sucker, I know. I guess I like the attention from the opposite sex. I wrote a new profile which I update from time to time. Apparently, it works, since I’m up to 3323 likes and counting.

For shits and giggles this is it:

Is it me or is it Memorex but that confounded Discover pop up Ad drives me crazy forcing me to wait 5 seconds before I can click Skip! Can you relate? And this new platform is ridiculous! What is OkCupid thinking? I think they should have had a V8!

This free spirit is On The Road Again but not with Willie. Writing about her adventures on the road less traveled In The Company of None. If you see that I change cities it’s because I’m checking out the scene.

I’m not sure who wrote this but I think it’s hysterical. “Marriage is a 3 ring circus. First comes the engagement ring, then comes the wedding ring, then comes the suffering.” Can you relate? Been there done that. So I can commit to a mental institution aka marriage. JK.

Does anyone remember laughter? Where’s that confounded bridge? Who’s rolling today Jimmy? Who said that? From what songs? And what albums? You’ll earn gold stars for all the correct answers.

As Mr. Big says to Carrie: “Sometimes you just want to be with the one who makes you laugh. I’m everything and nothing all at once. Can you handle me? I’ve been called a Free Spirit, Wild Child, Bohemian, Enigma, just don’t call me Donna Reed or Ma’am or label me, I’m not a can of soup.

I’m looking for an activity partner or lover (who will drive me crazy) to hike, kayak, explore, dance the night away, converse, laugh with that Abbi Normal kind of way. I gravitate towards the creative, artistic and passionate souls.

As Bob Seger sings: “I can’t promise you tomorrow, no one has the right to lie” From the song Tomorrow”. Run wild by my side but don’t try to tame me and I might stick around. I love my freedom but I also love intimacy with the one I care about. I guess that’s a double edge sword.

We all look great on paper (well most of us except for the faceless creatures but finding the one we want to know and enjoy being with is quite another experience. Even though we lead busy lives I want someone who wants to make time for me and I will do the same for you. I want to be the great book you can’t put down and you are in full anticipation to see where the story leads. Every bend, every curve you want to explore the journey with me.

On that note:

I’m of Transylvanian descent and a true Scorpio; that sums me up perfectly. Ha! I am a proud carrying Snowflake. If you are a Trump supporter, Do Not Say Hello. Do Not Pass Go. Go directly to jail or go to Russia With Love.

I love my 420. When I first saw it, I wondered what area code that was, but now I know! I will always answer it.

Why? It’s all in a name: I don’t like to wear name tags and I don’t broadcast my name to strangers. If we are having a conversation I will introduce myself. The letters JK are my middle initials and I’m NOT Just Kidding.

I’m worth the journey. Are you?

Edit your response

 

Players: Dating or whatever we call it.

Source: Players: Dating or whatever we call it.

Sex with an Ex: Dating or Whatever We Call It

IMG_4736Michael and I are slowly making our way back into the comfort zone. It’s been a few weeks since we met at Stella’s after many months apart. We’ve been friendly with flirtatious moments, a kiss and a hug but nothing more. I wonder if we are just going to be friends. My body aches for his touch. I’m starting to fall for him again. It feels right this time. We are both in better places.

He calls me and asks me to dinner. I accept and he picks me up. Just like old times we click.  We have a great time. It’s almost midnight when we get back. He walks me to my door. This time he lingers as I open the door to my apartment.

“Would you like to come in?” I ask.

He smiles and nods.

“Dinner was delicious” I say as I take off my shoes and put them in the closet. As I’m bending down, he comes over and put his arms around me.

“Michael” I say laughing.

“God you smell good” he says as he holds me close and rocks me as he kisses my neck. As we rock back and forth, he puts his arm around me and unbuttons my blouse. His hand slides underneath my bra and cups my breasts. I moan.

“God you feel so good” I whisper.

Kissing my neck he unzips my jeans and slides them off. I step out of them. Slipping his hand into my mound my lips quiver. He fingers his way and slides his finger on my clit and gently rubs it back and forth. I let out a moan as I sway back and forth, putting my arms around him. As my body responds, he rubs harder. My clit is now pulsating.

“Michael, I missed you. Fuck me please!” I cry. He stops and turns me around. I pull off his shirt in a frenzy. He cups my breasts and suckles them. Kissing each one, pulling, tugging, and arousing them until they are hard mounds. Unzipping his jeans I yank them off him. I push him down on the floor and get on top of him.

“You make me crazy” I say breathlessly.  He smiles and we start kissing passionately. His cock is hard as I press my body against it. I kiss his neck, then his chest, inching ever so slowly down around his muscular abs. He lets out a moan as I touch his cock. I hold it in my hands and slowly open my mouth to engulf his powerful manhood. My tongue darts about, licking, sucking. I can hear him gasp.

He pulls me up and pushes me down onto the rug in front of the fireplace. Spreading my legs for him, he enters me, slowly at first as I guide him, then with each thrust he goes deeper and faster. Controlling, not letting himself come to fast. Giving me pleasure is his desire. Just a little bit longer…

The Art of a Great Profile for online dating

Online dating: If you want results put your best pictures forward and write a light hearted profile.

Source: The Art of a Great Profile for online dating

Ex & The Small Town: Dating or Whatever We Call It…

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Deadwood, just like our relationship

Breaking up with someone you care about is bad enough but when that break up happens in a small town it’s excruciating. All the places you frequented together now are off limits.  Running into your ex must be avoided at all costs. The thought of seeing him or her especially with someone else would be too painful.

Last week I was going to the bank and as I pulled into the parking lot I saw Michael’s car. I continued past and drove around the block, my heart racing. Parking my car on a side street I walk a few blocks to do another errand, I can’t bare running into him so soon.

My girlfriend wants me to go and have drinks at the Sunset Grill. I tell her I can’t go there because that’s where he works.  You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him drink-that’s my motto now. I refuse to go in. I avoid driving by his house which is on Main Street and drive a less convenient way. The only place I will go to, is the gym, but I go at times I know he won’t be there.

Even though I moved here before knowing him, I feel like the stalker. Is it because he broke up with me? Does the breaker upper always have the upper hand?  Even though subconsciously I broke up with him first he consciously broke up with me, hence that’s the difference. How long will I avoid him? As long as I can.  I’m still licking my wounds, my ego is bruised. I know eventually I will run into him, but for now I will try my best to steer clear of him.

 

 

 

Reflections: Dating Or Whatever We Call It

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My lover who suffers from bipolar and holiday blues can’t deal with anyone’s drama so he ended our relationship. He’s going to be an island for a while. I told him I would not visit his island. We left it on good terms, but I still feel resentful to the way he ended it.  He does not know that though, my girlfriends on the other hand do, since I vent to them.

He was fantastic in November which I call Sweet November. Only one time was he a prick and he text me the next day apologizing for his behavior. I know he warned me about his holiday blues, but I was not prepared for the depth of his moodiness and withdrawal into his own world. He was a full blown dick in December except when he was with me and my horses. He was so gentle with them, it melted my heart. Why couldn’t he be that way with me?

I was willing to forgive him for being a prick because I knew somewhere deep inside there was a kind, fun soul. I was hoping that in January we could wipe the slate clean and start over. He withdrew even further after the New Year to a place I could not reach.

Apparently he could not forgive me for trashing his porch when I was irrationally drunk thinking that he was having sex with my friend. I had a full blown anxiety attack. In retrospect I should not have asked him if he wanted to fuck my girlfriend and he should  never have said yes. That was our downfall. Funny I could forgive his grizzly bear persona but he could not forgive mine.

Even though he was my lover/activity partner which meant no commitment I was jealous. I realized I liked him more than a friend and I do not play fair with other women in my sandbox. FWB’s do not work, it’s a lie. If we were in a committed relationship I would be secure knowing he wanted only me, but that was not to be.

I recently left New England and drove cross country to end an 11 year on and off again volatile relationship with Alex. My reasoning: I can’t go over to his house with this much distance between us.  He was passive aggressive with Bipolar tendencies and we fought constantly: Leo’s and Scorpio’s do not mix. We loved and hated each other, but the make up sex was great. Maybe that’s why we kept on going back.

I should never have become involved so quickly with Michael. I should have let myself heal before I became involved with another man. I told him the first day we met that we would be platonic friends. I caved that night when he looked deep into my soul with his blue eyes. I should have known. I should have run. Should of, would of, could of…

#CommunicationBreakdown: Dating Or Whatever We call it

IMG_8839 (1)
When communication breaks down, interpretation can go awry.

The world of dating is filled with mixed signals especially when it comes to what people say, do or not do. We end up reading between the lines and sometimes those lines are blurred. When it comes to texting our interpretations are based on insecurities. That’s why one has to put smiley faces at the end of the sentences so the other person understands what is being implied.

When I text and say; “I hope you have a great 2016 and I hope you find what and who you are looking for…” Does that mean I’m breaking up with the other person? What does the receiving party think? Could it simply mean; I hope you find happiness? Is there always a double meaning?

Since we now do a majority of communication via texting instead of using our voices, our rate of error to what the other person means jumps 200%. When I ask if I can pick up my map book and bandana does that mean I’m cutting ties with you?

I need my map book to understand the area so I don’t get lost. I need my bandana to keep me warm. That’s all, it’s not a sign we are breaking up. But when you then drop the items off in a bag on my door step without a note or a call, it’s a little unnerving. When I peek inside and I see that you included my toothbrush which I left at your house when I sleep over what do you think my reaction will be?

I didn’t ask for that toothbrush back. What are you trying to tell me? Are you breaking up with me? Giving a toothbrush back is a statement and not a good one. Negative connotations ring through one’s head.

It reminds me of the episodes on Sex & The City when Big drops off items that Carrie left at his apartment and when Berger breaks up with Carrie on a Post-It. What kind of communication is that?

Talking to girlfriends is our best defense. They always know the right words to say. My friend Alise who has the manic depressed boyfriend told me to text Michael the following;

“Thanks for dropping off my stuff. I noticed you also gave me back my toothbrush…Should I read anything into this?…Are we still good? Are you ok?”

I click send. An hour goes by and nothing. Finally I’m talking to my other girlfriend on the phone and Michael plays his turn on WordFeud, but no answer to my text. Hmmm… A few minutes later he texts back:

“Sorry  I just need some time on my own for a while to figure things out and get into a routine. I can’t deal with anyone else’s drama except for my own. I’m going to be an island for the month of January. Thanks for understanding.”

I wait a few minutes, gathering my thoughts and reply back:

“I’m going to get some help with my anxiety attacks and go on meds for them. I’m freaking out as well with my horse, finances, sister having cancer. I just left a volatile relationship of 11 years so I got issues as well. I hope you know that I have good qualities that outweigh the bad. You are a great guy. I won’t go to your island. I hope we can start anew in the Spring when we are in better places…Take care.”

His last response to me: “Cool thanks. I think you are very talented and smart. I just need to take care of myself for a while.”

I read it. Finally, a form of communication that I understand.

He’s gone.

 

 

#Lovers: Dating or Whatever You Call It

IMG_3026I know that I’ve been negative about my lover in my recent blogs but all in all he is a good person who is as troubled as I am. So in all fairness I have put a positive spin on What I love about him:

  • He’s kind and sweet
  • He makes me tea when he drinks coffee
  • He loves animals
  • He loves my horses, he’ll do anything for them.
  • He loves to ride with me even though he ends up with blue balls
  • He’s intelligent
  • He’s sexy
  • He’s a fantastic lover
  • He’s a wonderful cook
  • He’s artistic
  • He’s creative (can that boy play the guitar and piano)
  • He has an awesome voice, I could listen to it for hours
  • He has the bluest eyes which look deep into my soul
  • He’s  very handsome
  • He has a great smile which melts my heart
  • He loves the outdoors
  • We both ran away to this beautiful place we now call home (Island of Misfit Toys)
  • It’s amazing: He loves Donald Trump and thinks he’ll be our next President and I can’t stand Donald Trump, I’m rooting for Bernie Sanders. Even with our Political differences we still get along. Imagine that?
  • I’m middle of the road with liberal tendencies and he’s Ultra Conservative and we agree to disagree. Something must be in the air!
  • He’s my mini me (except for the Politics)
  • Could it be?? Is it…??

Stay tuned…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

#LeftAgain: Dating or Whatever We Call It

IMG_7156
The troubled road ahead

Michael’s Holiday blues are getting me down amongst other things. I introduced him to my girl friend a few weeks ago and all he does is talk about how hot she is.  I finally ask him if he would fuck her. I don’t know why I ask but my insecurities are up to no good. He hesitates for a moment and then says: “Yes.” I casually ask: “Do I have anything to worry about?” He says: “No.”

Well, that did not go over as I thought. Hmmm… My friend Jessica says she will never hurt me and has no desire to go after Michael, but that doesn’t solve my jealousy. I remember a line once: “If you can’t handle the truth, don’t go looking for it.” I should have never asked him that question.

But the truth is out. Wow! They are now friends who, call each other and hang out together without me. Does that bother me? Hell yeah! I’m a Scorpio who has a jealous streak when I’m insecure. And now, I’m insecure.

One thing after another and I’m about to lose it. I try to remain calm. Leaving me at the gym’s party weighs heavily on my mind as well as him wanting to fuck her. Even though I forgave him, I haven’t forgotten the feeling of abandonment by the one I care about.

A week later, Jessica and I are going to the Town Holiday Stroll and I invite Michael. We drink a large bottle of Champagne at his house before heading out. We are feeling good yet something is bothering me-insecurities. We walk around town and then head into a bar. I tell them I’m going to check things out and I’ll be right back. I walk about 20 feet then turn around and they’re gone.  I look in the bar area but don’t see them. I then go outside and look up and down the street.  I’m about to text them when I realize that I don’t have my phone and we don’t have an If you get lost situation. Ugh!

He left me again! They couldn’t even wait 30 seconds for me to come back? I’m psst. I walk back to Michael’s. I’m cold, drunk, and tired. I try the backdoor but it’s locked. My jealousy raises its ugly head. All I can think is that they are cozied up together at a bar somewhere without me.

I’m beyond mad. I’m irrational and now I’m in the midst of a full blown anxiety attack. I’m so angry that I want to throw something. I see his trash and I tear the bags open and throw them everywhere on his back porch.

I know it’s wrong but I can’t help myself. There’s some pillows on the floor and I lie down in the fetal position to keep warm. Jessica is a White Light, a Medium. Why doesn’t she know where I am and what I’m feeling? Why don’t they come back to his house? I came back why couldn’t they?

After what seemed like hours I finally peel myself off the floor. I don’t know what time it is but it’s late and I walk back into town. Finally I see them walking towards me, laughing. Michael says; “There you are!” Being cool is not my forte and I rip into them. I yell at the top of my lungs accusing them of sleeping together. I call her a Cunt and swear at him for leaving me again.

I then turn around and run back to his house and wait for them to come home and I yell at them some more for leaving me. Jessica storms out as I grab my keys and I jump into my car. As I turn the corner I realize that I left my phone at his house so I force myself to turn around. We have another fight and he says: “I’m so mad at you for embarrassing me”.

I yell back: “WTF! You couldn’t even wait one minute for me? What is so wrong for waiting for me?”

He just looks at me and says: “You’re a lot like me.” I glare at him. Our second fight and it’s not even a month that we are together. His careless attitude makes me cringe. I realize he’s right we are very alike, we both have anger issues. He tells me to stay. My rage dissipates and I turn into this little girl that just wants to be held.

We talk in a civilized tone. I apologize and clean up the mess I made. I end up staying the night and we have make up sex. Lying in bed, I ask him what he’s looking for and he says a family, he wants to have children. A bipolar with father issues wanting children when he can’t stand them? Hmmm…I don’t want children. All I want is to be loved by someone I love.

At 6am I awake. I can’t breath and I need to leave. I get up, put on my clothes, kiss him goodbye as he sleeps and quietly leave. He texts me later: “Wow u really did cause some mayhem by the back door last night. Weird thing is I still wanted to wake up and have sex but u were gone.” I reply back: “It’s the Scorpio in me. I did clean it up. I kissed you goodbye.”

We are in different places. We have no future…Just the present if we can get through the Holidays.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

#AloneOnChristmas: Dating Or Whatever We Call It

IMG_0397I recently moved to a small northwestern town in the Rocky Mountains. I live in a 400 sf loft condo near the top of a ski mountain 4500 feet above sea level. I’m far away from my friends and family. My new lover has the Holiday Blues and does not want my company. My girlfriend doesn’t want to make the journey up the treacherous mountain road to see me nor do I want to drive down, so I’m alone for Christmas.

The day before I drop off Christmas presents to Michael. I make the effort to make something for him. I enlarge a photo he loves and frame it along with a calendar of my travel pictures. He meets me at the door but doesn’t invite me in. I hand him his presents and he says thank you. We chat for a few minutes then he reaches for something which I think is a present, but it’s a white cotton pad for my injured horse.

That’s my gift? That’s it? He couldn’t even be bothered to get me a card? I’m annoyed. After everything I’ve done for him he gives me zilch, zero, zippo, notta, nothing.  So he has the holiday blues? So what! I kiss him,  say Merry Christmas and leave. I’m annoyed.

At first I resent him for being a jerk but now that it’s Christmas, I’m trying to make the best of it. I’m not going to let him ruin my Christmas. Just because I’m alone doesn’t mean I am lonely. Granted it would be nice to be with someone I care about, but that’s not meant to be.

It’s all a state of mind, I tell myself.  I can be miserable or I can make the best of it. Society tells us that we must be with people during the Holidays. We must buy tons of non wanted presents and spend money for people who don’t appreciate us. I nix that idea and do it my way.

It’s snowing and white Christmas is upon me. Instead of being miserable I decide to enjoy my down time. I make a list of all the positive things about being alone on Christmas:

  • I get to watch all my favorite Christmas shows without being interrupted.
  • I don’t have to shhhh anyone.
  • I don’t have to hear snide remarks from others about what I’m watching such as A Year Without A Santa Claus-now that’s a great show.
  • I get to make desserts and lick all the spoons and bowls without having to share with others.
  • I can be in my pajamas all day or run around naked.
  • I don’t have to clean 6 inches of snow off my car and drive down the snowy mountain road holding my breath.
  • I can listen to any music I want without being criticized for my selection.
  • I can sing at the top of my lungs off key and no one judges me
  • I can eat what and when I want since there is no set agenda.
  • I can make my own fire in the wood stove and curl up on the couch without sharing it with anyone.
  • I can make a mess and not worry about cleaning it up for guests
  • I can call all my friends and family without being rude to guests
  • I can dance like Elaine from Seinfeld without being ridiculed
  • I don’t have to visit people and make small talk with strangers

Did I miss anything? Probably, but there’s always next year. So for all those who spent Christmas alone, I salute you even the Scrooges out there. Hah you didn’t ruin my Christmas! Bah Humbug!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

#PanicAttacks: Dating or Whatever We Call It

There’s a Christmas party at our gym and Michael who is Bipolar and has the Holiday Blues wants to go. Free food and drinks how can one pass that up? We plan on playing racquetball then go to the party.

I pick him up at 4:30 he’s in his gym clothes. I want to say: “Is that what you are wearing to the party?” But I don’t dare since he would think I’m criticizing him as his father always does. I bite my tongue and say nothing.

We arrive at the gym but the parking lot is full and we have to park on the street. We walk in but find that the courts are filled with tables of food. I look at Michael and say: “Since we are here why don’t we just work out and then join the party?”

He rolls his eyes.  I see that he’s not happy. I smile at him as I turn and go into the women’s locker room. A few minutes later I come out but can’t find him. I realize I left my phone in the car so I can’t text him. I then decide not to work out so I shower and dress and walk towards the party. Wendy the membership director comes up to me and gives me a note.

It reads, “J – I’m in a shitty mood. I’m walking home. – Michael. I fold it and put it in my pocket. I’m psst. Wendy says: “Even though he left why don’t you come and join the festivities.” I smile and walk away.

He fucking left me at the party he wanted to go to. He couldn’t even wait for me? He couldn’t call my name over the loud speaker? He couldn’t have someone come and get me in the women’s locker room?

I’m too angry to stay. I hate being left. It’s a pet peeve of mine. How dare he! I pack up my stuff and walk to the car. When I’m furious I either scream and yell or become silent. I choose the latter.

Once in my car I look at my phone and see a text from him: “Sorry I had to leave the gym. I was freaked out by all the people and how underdressed and unmotivated to work out I felt.” I ignore it.

I click the Resign button on WordFued that I play with him. He promptly texts back: “Why did you resign?” I still don’t respond. He texts again: !!!! Sorry I just sort of freaked out because there were so many people around and couldn’t find you and didn’t have my phone. Sorry!!!!

After driving around to clear my head, I pull into a parking lot and finally text back: “I’m psst. In the future if you want me in your life you won’t do that again. I hate being left especially by someone I really like. Whatever!”

“Sorry i totally schized out.” He writes.

“You knew there was a party. Whatever. I will leave you alone.”

“Just tonight. Or you can come hang out. I just freaked out standing in the lobby alone. I walked through the gym twice but kept coming back to the lobby and it was crowded but they weren’t serving drinks yet.”

“I didn’t work out just showered and look hot. I guess I’ll go to a bar and have a few drinks. Enjoy.” I text back.

“Ok sorry i totally bailed. U can Come here if you want to.

“I’m to hurt to stop by. Ttyl.

I’m too angry to go to a bar and decide to head home. What am I getting myself into? He hates the Holidays which I love, he’s Bipolar and he has panic attacks. UGH!!!!!

I really like him, I’m drawn to him. When he’s not self absorbed he’s a great guy. He makes me feel alive. As Carrie from Sex & The City said about Big: “I’m addicted to the pain.” That sums it up. Apparently I’m attracted to the Bigs of the world, men who leave. I think it’s stems from my childhood.

My mother and father had a very volatile relationship. We grew up with the police coming to our door and being driven to school in police cars. The fighting, the screaming matches between two people who once loved each other was so hard to bare.

I remember my father finally having enough and leaving his four girls with our disturbed mother. She had horrible mood swings and either lashed out at us emotionally or disappeared into her own world.

At the age of nine I packed my belongings into a little grey oval suitcase and walked to his apartment which was a mile away. I wanted to live with my dad. I couldn’t deal living with my mother any longer. I was daddy’s little girl.

Through the years my father gained custody of me and my three sisters, but it was a 10 year battle of constant unrest. I still carry the battle scars from the war.

I do understand Michael’s predicament but that doesn’t make it any easier. The feelings of being left by my emotionally unstable mother and physically by my father still haunts me. The memories are all too real.

As I drag myself into my apartment I pour myself a glass of wine and head to bed. Feeling blue and not being able to sleep I watch Oklahoma with Shirley Jones. I don’t know if it’s the movie, or the wine but I don’t want to be angry with Michael anymore.

I text him: “I’m done being mad at you. I forgive you for being a shit. I’m heading up to the mountains tomorrow”

He texts back: “Ok I will clean my house. Sorry I Totally fucked you over at the party. The mountains will be nice.”

I might have forgiven him but I haven’t forgotten. I am a Scorpio and we don’t forgive easily. Trust is earned it’s not given. I hope he understands that.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Holiday Blues: Dating or whatever we call it

As the holidays are in full swing we are inundated with social activities, holiday music which starts before Thanksgiving, marketing gimmicks 24/7, and food galore. This is one of our favorite times of the year, a time to be with the one’s we love, but to others, it’s a time of great sadness.

My lover is in a full blown Holiday blues depression. He’s like Greta Garbo, whose famous line was: “I want to be left alone.” He has shut himself away from the world and it breaks my heart that I can’t reach him.

For the past four years, my friend Alise has been in a relationship with Justin who has severe anxiety and depression. I remember the countless calls as she cried over her predicament. I listened as she vented and gave her advice. It’s been a very rocky road but they have come a long way and now are living together. She stuck it out even though many times she thought about leaving. Her love for him kept her grounded.

I couldn’t understand why she stayed until now, now that I’m in the same leaking boat. I want to have fun and enjoy the holidays with him. He did drag himself out with me and his friends to cut down Christmas trees, so why can’t he be festive?

Am I being selfish to want to spend the holidays with him? I’m trying to understand where he’s coming from. I had a horrible childhood as well, but I do remember enjoying the Holidays. It’s taken me years to forgive my Mom but I’ve forgiven her, why can’t he forgive his Dad?

He’s in a new town, a new state, starting a new life with people who adore him, why can’t he let go of his past and forgive? Why does he let those who’ve hurt him win?

 

 

 

 

#Cougars on the Prowl: A Guide to Dating

My male friend who called me a MILF commented on girls night out as women on the prowl. Just because I’m going out with my girlfriend doesn’t mean I’m out to find men. I like to go out for the social aspect, a change of scenery. Yes, I like to look at good looking men, and I might even talk to them, but that doesn’t mean that I want to sleep with them.

IMG_0806If men go out to bars are they on the prowl or the hunt for women? Are they looking for that one night stand? Or are they just grabbing a few drinks and hanging out with their friends?

Why the double standard? Why are women labeled as Cougars on the prowl while men have free rein to do what they please without prejudice?

 

 

Montana bound BIG M: Tales of Online Dating Experiences

Glacier National Park, Montana
Glacier National Park, Montana

It’s been a month since I left Big M in LA. Since then I’ve traveled around Oregon and Kauai. Now I’m heading back to New England for the Summer via Montana to see Big M. We’ve spoken almost daily. He drove his broken down van from LA to Whitefish, Montana. I can’t believe it didn’t break down going through those mountain passes. He made it safe and sound, however. I’m looking forward to seeing him again.

It’s close to midnight when I spot a Best Western in Kalispell, MT. I’m exhausted and in need of a good night sleep. Next day I’m seeing him. I awake to mooing and look out my window. You know when you are in Montana when your neighbors are cattle. I sext him:

Me: Morning Babe. I’m very wet, cum and fuck me.

Big M: Where’s my juicebox?

Me: I’m right next to you. I’m very horny. It’s been a while.

Big M: mmm..My cock is getting fuckin’ hard

Me: Cum to me and slide your big cock in…

Big M: I’m cummin’…

***********

I head to the ranch where I will be staying for a week. I’m in awe over the beauty of the Rockies. Wow. I almost drive off the road looking at the snowcap mountains before me. I arrive and check in. I hear a familiar voice behind me and turn, its Mark. I smile and say:

Riding with Big M near the Canadian Border
Riding with Big M near the Canadian Border

Hey Cowboy.

He smiles and gives me a hug. He feels nice in my arms. I just want to fuck him.

They show me the ranch and then my quarters; The Appaloosa room is in the lower level of the main house is a small windowless room but it’s the cheapest. Anyways I’m only going using it for sleeping and fucking…purrfect..

Even though there are no guests staying at the ranch, No sleep overs-ranch rules, but they didn’t say he couldn’t fuck me and stay with me until 3am?

For the next week, we have fun. We hike in Glacier National Park, the natural scenery is amazing and ride horses to Canada. The mountain lakes are a beautiful turquoise blue.  We play frisbee, eat at some wonderful restaurants and have great sex. Finally he’s doesn’t have pain in his neck, something is going right.

But there are moments where the dark clouds of foreboding play with Mark. He’s angry with his sisters because they don’t want us staying with them. I tell him I understand she doesn’t know me. He goes into a rage and starts punching his head. He’s so angry with her. Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. He scares me. He’s a raging lunatic. I try to calm him down but he continues. His face is beet red and his eyes are bulging. His face is distorted from his rage.

“Mark it’s okay. It’s not a big deal. We can stay at a hotel.” I say in a calming voice.

“No it’s not okay. You were the only one who was there for me in my darkest moment and you helped me. If her friend needed a place to stay and helped her out of a jam, I would let him stay with me!” He yells.

After a few minutes he turns into a little boy and starts sobbing and I hold him and rock him and tell him everything all will be okay.

He’s under a lot of stress due to his bills piling up. He doesn’t hold a gun to my head but his constant talking about his financial situation and the pleading in his eyes leads me to pay his bills. I have money from an inheritance and he is in need of financial stability so I pay the most pressing ones:

$750 to SAG for his membership good through November. If this doesn’t get paid now he will lose everything and reinstatement would be $3000. SAG card is vital to Actors/stuntman and those who work in the entertainment industry.

$285 to LA Superior Court. His speeding ticket he got when he was leaving me in Torrance CA.

$90 to the EDD Employment Development Department. They paid him too much and want their money back.

$217.93 to the ACSC taxes owed

$275 to the Unites States Treasury for back income taxes owed.

$650 I paid for his storage unit for 6 months in San Clemente, CA.

$100 I had to put in his BOA account because he was overdrawn (had to do that when I was on the road in Oregon)

$250 in cash back in Torrance CA to keep him safe for a few days.

Total: $2617.93 in real money not including food or lodging which came to another couple of grand. But I was trying to help him since he was my confidante, lover and friend.

I paid for all his meals and lodging. Of course he enjoyed my company he was living scott free.

His sister calls back and tries to let make him understand that she’s concerned about the dog who attacks Mark. He tells her that he will be careful and she finally gives in and let’s us stay for the weekend. We leave the ranch on Friday and head to his sisters for Mother’s Day weekend in Missoula. He drives the van and I drive my car since I’m heading back home.

His sisters live together and they are really sweet but they are at the end of their rope with him. They give me his history and it’s not pretty. He has always been this way. It’s not an occasional dark period it’s been a constant up and down struggle for him all his life. Now that he’s going to be 57 in the Spring, he has nothing to show for all his glory. It’s so depressing.

For a fleeting moment his troubles are gone and we hike the Big M. He’s so proud of the

The Big M, Missoula Montana
The Big M, Missoula Montana.

college that his father went too. He shows me around. He’s like a school boy full of pride. I tell Mark that I would rather stay at a hotel for the night and not his sisters due to the dog and lack of privacy. We stay at the Holiday Inn Express in downtown for our last night together.

Best laid plans don’t always work out. Instead of having a great night we fight. He’s getting on my nerves with his buying habits. I feel resentment to dishing out the money trying to help him get back on his feet while he spends his own money on frivolous things. His whole lifestyle irritates me. We go to bed mad and wake up mad. It’s sad.

The next day is Mother’s Day and I’m leaving.  I drop him off and say Goodbye to his sisters. I am feeling guilty for yelling at Mark and I apologize. We hug and kiss. He says he’s sorry for being such a loser. This makes me feel even more guilty.

“You’re not a loser. You’re just messed up.” I smile as I get into the car.

“I love you.” He says as he bends down and kisses me.

“Love you too. Take care of yourself. Okay?” I say as I look into his sad eyes.

“I will.” He smiles back at me.

I drive off with a heaviness in my heart.

Goodbye Big M the Stuntman until we meet again: Tales of on-line dating experiences

Big M and I are in bed after making love, I look at the clock and it’s 10:15am, check out is 11am. We kiss and get out of bed and head for the shower. Our first and our last shower together for a long time. He lathers me up and washes me carefully and I do the same for him. We fuck one last time with the water pouring over us, so hot and erotic.

We jump out of the shower, and get ready. Looking around making sure we didn’t leave anything and we walk hand in hand out the door. There is a line at check out and I can see that he’s edgy. He says he has to meet his friend at the unemployment office at 11:30. I tell him to go. He pulls me close and passionately kisses me and walks away. I watch him disappear.

Big M on his motorcycle
Big M on his motorcycle

I check out and head for the car. As I’m about to leave, I see that he is calling my cell. I pick up and he’s frantic. Apparently he just got stopped for driving 76 mph in a 35 mph speed limit zone, which is serious business. WTF is wrong with this dude? Does he just like to piss away money he doesn’t have? I tell him to calm down and don’t argue with the cop. He says he’s got to go because the cop is coming back.

The queasy feeling is back in my stomach. This dude is on a self-destructive road and it breaks my heart. I wait in the garage as the minutes tick by. Finally he calls back and tells me the cop was nice enough not to impound his motorcycle or arrest him. He did receive a $275 speeding ticket. I tell him that I put $250 American Express Traveler Cheques in his motorcycle bag yesterday, so that should help him. He thanks me for putting up with him and being with him through this horrible time in his life. He is so upset and I just listen. He has a good heart but he’s a mess. He tells me he loves me and I tell him I love him too. The last words to me are: I will see you in Montana. I laugh and say goodbye.

I’m torn. I know I can’t stay but I’m worried about him. I wish I could help him but he has to do this on his own-get himself out of this financial mess.  If I stayed I would be giving up my dream of traveling and finishing my 6 month solo road trip. Meeting Mark was an interesting experience. I had the time and the money, so what the hell. He is part of my life now and I will always remember him as the man who lives in the van.

Does the man in the van have a plan? No Mam!
Does the man in the van have a plan? No Mam!

Getting back together with Big M the Stuntman after our first fight: Tales of Online Dating

Getting back together with Big M the Stuntman after our first fight: Tales of Online Dating.

Getting back together with Big M the Stuntman after our first fight: Tales of Online Dating

I wake up on the day that I’m leaving for Bend Oregon, my eyes are puffy from crying. I think back to the previous days events of the fight, Big M leaving me, walking out of my life. I know he’s wrong for me, but for the last 2 weeks we were together 24/7. I’ve come to really care for him. He’s a down and out Actor/Stuntman living in a van with so much potential if he could just get one more commercial…

I roll over and his smell still lingers on the pillow. I breathe him in. As I get up I look around and see his phone charger and a few other items he left. I pick up my cell and call him and he answers. We talk and he says he’ll be over shortly. Half an hour later there’s a knock on my hotel door and I open it. I give him a big hug and hold him.

“I’m so sorry”. I say as I hold him.

“It’s okay I’m a broken down cowboy, I deserve it.” He says in a soft voice as he breaks away from me.

I watch him as he passes me. He looks dis-shelved. He picks up his stuff.

“Mark. Stay with me. We have a few more hours. Please don’t leave this way. Please? I plead.

His sad steel-blue grey eyes look at me and he nods and says “Okay”.

I smile and say: “If you want to take a shower or just lie with me you can?”Or, if you want to shower with me and make love to me, we can do that too.

He laughs as he comes over and hugs me. He feels good as he wraps his arms around me. We start kissing and I can feel him getting harder as I press myself against him. He smells good. He takes off my dress and caresses my breasts, kissing each one until they are hard mounds. My body responds to him and I moan. I’m very wet. I want him inside me.

I take off his shirt and unzip his jeans and slide them down his legs. Then I push him on the bed. I take off his motorcycle boots as he watches me. He’s fully naked and his manhood his straight and full. I watch him and smile, teasing him. I lean down and engulf his penis with my mouth. He let’s out a gasp. My tongue darts about touching it. My lips suckle his tip. My mouth moves back and forth from his base to the top sucking and caressing.

I watch him. His eyes closed and his teeth clenched. He tips his head down, opens his eyes and I smile. Then he grabs me and pulls me down. Now it’s his turn to pleasure me. His tongue darts in and out and suckles my clit. I can feel the tugging sensation with his lips and my body moves to him. I want him in me now.

“Fuck me Mark fuck me now.” I whisper as my back arches.

He gets on top of me and I help him guide him in. Slowly at first he thrusts. One, two, three he slowly goes in and out, then faster but controlled. I grab his ass and pull it towards me. I am so wet, I am cumming. My clit is pulsating and I can feel my walls gushing with liquid. I scream with pleasure. He feels so fuckin’ good.

He can’t control it any longer and I feel his sweet liquid pulsating through my body. We lie for a few minutes crumpled on top of each other.

“My juice box” He says with a grin. I kiss him and laugh.

Relationships are Like Socks: Tales of online dating experiences

Relationships are Like Socks: Tales of online dating experiences.

Relationships are Like Socks: Tales of online dating experiences

IMG_8247Relationships are like socks. In the beginning they are always seen together. They feel good, enjoying each other’s company. Life is good. Then the days, weeks, months, and years go by and they spend less and less time together. One day you find that your partner is MIA just like socks that have gone through the wash. Single again. The MIA sock has attached itself to another article of clothing, never too be seen together again. Just like the relationship that has gone south.

Now you just have single socks which you put into the single sock drawer. Holding on to them just in case the other mate shows up and you will be together again. The socks are piling up.

Adding to your collection of single socks
Adding to your collection of single socks

One day you realize that sock is never going to appear and you make the decision to throw it out or use it to dust.

The life of relationships and socks.

 

 

Big M the Stuntman, We’re Nearing the End: Tales of online dating experiences

I’m apparently a compassionate person because I should have said Hello, goodbye, nice meeting you, have a nice life, hope it all works out for you to Big M when I finally met him, but I didn’t. Instead I let him hang with me for two weeks in the Redondo Beach area (that’s where he is from).  I felt guilty that I would be staying in nice places while he would be living in his Van, at Von’s parking lot. I do like him but he drives me nuts. Being thrown together with anyone, especially strangers 24/7 is extremely stressful. We went from online pen pals to living together. Now that would be a great Reality Show. What should we call it?

Big M playing his guitar. He's quite the crooner
Big M playing his guitar. He’s quite the crooner

I figure, I’m on a 6 month solo road trip so I can chalk it up to experiences. He’s lived an exciting life as a Stuntman/Actor/Cowboy/Moto dude. Apparently I’m drawn to this type, bad boy. He’s also a pot head. I like pot on occasion but he takes a hit 5-6 times/day. He says it helps him relax and de-stresses him. He’s comfortably numb. It kind of turns me off. He doesn’t smoke cigarettes, take prescription pills, not much of a drinker and doesn’t do any other hard-core drugs, thank God. So I can’t complain about that. FYI: marijuana isn’t the gate way drug; alcohol, cigarettes and prescription drugs are. Let’s get that straight.

As Carrie from Sex & The City said about Big: “She’s addicted to the pain.” I think that sums up my life with men perfectly. I’m attracted to bad boys because they live life on the edge with passion and drama which makes me feel alive. Yep I admit it. I love the drama, the thrill, and the fantasy. I’m not alone here, we love the wild ones but discard the nice ones.

The Pro’s about Big M: He is very affectionate, always holding my hand and kissing me. The way he looks at me with those steel-blue eyes makes my heart skip a beat. He has a wonderful body, his abs are to die for, and he has a great smile. Plus even though he had that horrible accident with his penis, he actually is a great lover, who makes me very wet. I come every time.

I’m torn. We like each other a lot, but his behavior is driving a wedge between us. He wants to get himself out of this financial chaos he has created but he won’t do what it takes to do it. He says if he can only get one more commercial, he would get himself out of the deep hole. He should do an ice-cream commercial since that is his drug of choice. He’s moving to Montana in the Spring to work as a wrangler at a dude ranch for $1200/month. At least he will have a roof over his head and three square meals per day. It’s almost like jail but he has a bit more freedom.

We stay at the Marriott in Torrance, CA for the last two nights before I head back to Oregon. I actually call 15 hotels in the area and everything is full. Finally I find the Marriott. Oy! That’s  stressful. Big M needs to go to his van and organize it since it’s a mess. I stay behind, because he needs to do this on his own. He takes his motorcycle. I hang out at the bar and by the pool. It’s alone time, aah.

My $12 Cosmo
My $12 Cosmo

I get a Cosmo martini but when the bartender gives it to me in a plastic cup it’s only 1/3 cup full. I stare at it and ponder; boy it looks awful tiny. I finally ask her what’s up with this $12 drink and she looks at me like I have two heads. She then snaps it up and puts in their martini glass and it fills right up. She says in a mocking tone: “See?” I just look at her. Wow. Deception.

She’s an A Hole. I don’t leave her a tip and complain to the manager about her rude behavior. I hang out by the pool enjoying the afternoon sun. Big M has been gone close to 4 hours. I envision him tackling his van and organizing it. I’m glad things are finally looking up. I can leave without worrying about him.  I get a text from him telling me he’s on his way.

He meets me and we kiss. He looks depressed. He tells me that he went to his van and sat there for over an hour but didn’t do a damn thing. He then went to the gym  and worked out for almost 2 hours and stopped at a burger joint on his way back. His only discipline is working out. If he could just apply that logic to the rest of his life he would be successful.

I realized then and there he will never change. He doesn’t have the drive to fix his life. He wants other’s to do it for him. No matter what I do for him he won’t take charge of his life and fix it. I finally see the light. He’s beyond hope.

I get up and tell him that I can’t help him anymore. I’m done. He’s dejected. We fight, well I yell and he just stares at me. We head up to the room on the 17th floor. He gathers his things and leaves. I don’t want him to go, I’m just venting. I beg him not to leave. I can’t bear that he will be in that van while I’m in this $200/night hotel room without him. He breaks my heart as he leaves with his guitar and backpack. How is he going to carry everything on his motorcycle? How?

The Bad Boy
The Bad Boy

He kisses me and walks out of my life.

I know it’s for the best, but I cry because I do care for him and he broke my heart.  I cry for him, I cry for the loss of our friendship. I cry myself to sleep.

Chilling with Big M: The Man who lives in the Van

After learning that my could be lover is homeless, I decide to let him stay with me for the next two weeks. I’ve been in bad situations before, never homeless but down on my luck. I believe in karma what goes around comes around. It’s not like he’s a stranger who I let share my bed with. We have been conversing via phone, text and IM/Facebook every day for the past 1.5 months. He just left out some major details, like being broke, can’t find work as an actor/stuntman, ex girlfriend issues and living in a van. The SNL skit The Man Who Lives Down By The River resonates in my head. Oy!

Does the man in the van have a plan? No Mam!
Does the man in the van have a plan? No Mam!

Would I have come knowing this? Driven 17 hours from Eugene, OR to LA? I don’t know, probably not. But I’m back in warm, sunny California so I might as well enjoy his company. He’s affectionate with a nice body, a great kisser and a wonderful story-teller. He talks for hours about his glory days as a stuntman/cowboy.

We stay at an Airbnb, in Rolling Hills Estates for two nights. It’s on the same street he used to live years ago when he was doing well. He gives me a tour. I hear cats meowing, but they are not cats. Big M tells me I hear peacocks. They are everywhere. It’s amazing. The last time I saw one was in Paris France circa 1992.

Peacock
Peacock

Peacock doing the mating dance
Peacock doing the mating dance

We head back to the guest cottage. As we are getting ready to go out to eat I hear his cry. I rush into the bathroom and he’s on his knees holding his neck. His face is distorted from the excruciating pain. The pain juts through the back of his neck where it’s debilitating him. He’s swears under his breath and slowly gets up.

He tells me he had a neck operation six months ago due to his moto/rodeo days. The pain comes and goes and I can see it in his face. There is nothing I can do and it breaks my heart to see him this way. I try to a help him as much as I can. Is there anything else that can go wrong with him? Seriously? There is a dark cloud looming over his head ready to unleash its fury at any moment.

Minutes pass and the pain subsides. Maybe having a nice meal will make him feel better. I take him out to eat. I don’t want him to starve. He’s not much of a drinker which is good (alcoholism runs in his family) and he doesn’t get expensive items on the menu. His idea of food is hamburgers from a fast food joint and ice-cream that’s his drug of choice.  Opposite from me. I like pubs and nicer establishments where I can sit in a nice environment and enjoy my food, drink and conversation without feeling rushed. I’m not talking about fancy just down to earth.

How can someone who eats like crap have such a nice physique? While I try to eat as healthy as possible but have a flabby tummy. Hmmm. He works out four times a week doing intense exercises. I think that’s the secret to looking good; those gorgeous abs attest to that.

Is this relationship going to last? What am I thinking? Maybe he will be one of those down and out actors who gets his big break again and turns his life around. You know the rags to riches story. It’s nice to dream, after all we are in California…

 

The Cowboy/Actor/Stuntman/Moto Dude

In the midst of a 6 month solo road trip I change my city and state profile to see if there are any guys I would like to meet. I change it to LA California. Of course there are many handsome dudes messaging me. One in particular stands out:  He is ruggedly handsome with steel blue eyes that stare deep into your soul.

I read his message and check out his profile. I’m intrigued. He’s a hotty. He’s an actor/stuntman/cowboy/moto guy. I like it. I love that he’s creative, passionate, and good looking. All right the Actor/stuntman was what got me.

He says he’s real unlike all the fake profiles out there, so I message him back and we email a few times then he gives me his cell number.  At this point I’m up in Jacksonville Oregon with lousy cell coverage. We finally talk. He has a deep masculine voice which matches his pictures. We talk for over an hour. I’m hooked.

I do check him out on the internet to make sure he is real. I find his name and it says he’s 5 years older than his online profile age. Hmmm. I normally don’t date people who are more than 5 years older than me, but I like him. I guess I can’t complain about that since my profile says I’m 5 years younger than my actual age. He has a Facebook page and we Friend each other. We talk everyday by some kind of format.

Look at those abs-Yum
Look at those abs-Yum

The fantasy of us together is building in my head. I could actually see us as an item. He’s everything that I want in a man and he rides horses that’s a plus, since I own two. Going to Hollywood parties and hanging out with this cool dude was part of the draw. We converse for a month and a half.

I’m now up in Eugene Oregon and he is still in LA. We are trying to meet. I have two weeks where I’m free. I look into flying down and renting a car but it’s too expensive and I would rather drive that sit in airports. We discuss meeting in Sacramento where he has friends, which is half way for each of us. That ends up not working out due to his work schedule: He’s waiting for a call back for a commercial.

He’s worth the journey. I have family in LA, so what the hell. I’m on a solo road trip where I can go wherever I want. If I don’t meet him I will regret it. My plan is to drive down the 5 from Eugene to LA. Stay with my cousin then head off to Palos Verdes Estates to meet him. He said I could stay with him but he’s in between apartments. I would rather stay at cute Airbnb’s cottages instead. We make the plans and I gather my stuff and head out to LA.

The Laws of Sexual Attraction

I must admit I am sexually attracted to the younger version of the rocker that I’ve been conversing with. He reminds me of Tommy Lee from Motely Crue. He is now 50 but his picture is of him in his 20’s. He tells me he is falling for me. Well, he has an advantage over me because my pictures are all up to date. He sees what I look like now. I am real but he is just a fantasy.

How can I be sexually attracted to the present when all I see is the past? Emotional chemistry we have, but I know from experience one must meet in person if sexual attraction is there. Apparently there are a few exceptions to the rule. Keanu Reeves was hot 30 years ago and still is and so is Brad Pitt. Can this rocker dude still be as hot as he was? Hmmm.

Finally he agrees to meet. I tell him to meet me at Gillian’s, a sports bar. I tell him we can meet as friends, then the pressure is off. If we are not attracted to each other, then we can still enjoy each other’s company. If there is something more for both of us then we can take it to another level. If there isn’t then we will be great friends.

It’s 6pm on Friday and I walk up to the bar. There are a number of guys there as I search for a man I don’t know. Finally he comes up to me and says my name. He looks nothing like his picture. Wow what a transformation. He has a baseball hat on and I can see the back of his grey hair. His face is rugged. He looks moRocker dudere like Clint Eastwood than Tommy Lee. We hug and get a drink. We then play pool for a couple of hours.  We laugh and chide each other. Emotionally attracted yes, physically attracted no! I wish I was, we would be perfect for each other.

But I am one of those honest people, who know right off the bat if I want something more. We say good night with a hug. The next day I text him telling him that I had fun and would love to be friends. He doesn’t reply until Sunday morning at 7am. The droning of the vibrating phone wakes me up. I look at the text: “Nope…Not ok with that…Take care.”

I roll back to sleep. What ever. NEXT!

 

Online Dating: Not Beauty and the Beast more like Phantom of the Opera-Serenity NOW!!!!!

Image
Can you see the face?

This hot rocker dude with the dated picture finally sends me an recent phone picture to my cell. His words are: “Nice knowing you. Take care.”  I am dealing with a 50 year old insecure child! SERENITY NOW! I have an old phone so the screen is tiny. Can’t see a dam thing. Granted it’s a far away blurry shot with his phone and his hands are taking up most of the picture. I upload it to my computer for a larger view. He doesn’t look like a gorilla. He has a black cap on (I guess to hide his baldness). His face reminds me of Steven Segal. I send him the following email:

Hey Scaredy Cat,
Your big hands & phone are in the way but the picture is not bad. You not a goat monkey! LOL! We have great emotional chemistry you never know until we meet. It’s how you laugh, the way you smile at me, how you look at me, the way you move, the way we connect, that’s all part of sexual chemistry, Why are you so insecure? You shouldn’t be. Actually you should be proud of what you look like now.
You are like the Edge-same hat.  I would like to meet you: I can’t tell from a picture if I’m attracted you in real life. Just chill.
M
I wait, no reply. The next day I open up my email and look at my phone. Still nothing. He apparently is so afraid that I will reject him on a physical level and he can’t deal with that. That’s why he doesn’t want to meet me. That’s lame. Even if I am not sexually attracted to him we should still be able to hang out as friends and enjoy each other’s company.
He finally texts me saying he hasn’t read my texts or email. He asks me to call him so he can hear my voice one last time. Am I dealing with Woody Allen”s neurosis here? Geeze Louise!
I text back: You are such a CHILD!!!!!
I will call him but I had to get this off my chest. It’s funny, sad and infuriating all at the same time. I will let you know how the conversation goes

Lessons Learned: Don’t ever accept a lover as a friend on Facebook

What was I thinking? I remember when we were driving one day and Justin said

“Hey why didn’t you accept my friend request on Fakebook?” My response was I don’t go on it much. Now I had to accept him how could I not? The problem about having someone you date on your private page is equivalent to allowing him to look at your diary. It’s very hard when that person who you were once intimate with is now dating someone else 2 weeks after he ended it with you and his face is there in front of you everyday in the friends photo’s section. Just staring at you. I tried to ignore his face but it was the very first one. Why couldn’t his photo be moved to the end of the pack of friends so I couldn’t see him? I tried to be friends with him for about a month, I really did but I couldn’t take it anymore. Trying to be friends with a X who hurt you is torture. I guess that’s why the Block option is available. It should be called the X Factor! AKA WE ARE NOT FRIENDS so F U! :^)

If you are dating please do not accept him or her as a friend. Save yourself the agony and grief. It’s not worth it. As George from Seinfeld said: The two George worlds are colliding. If you won’t take it from me take it from him.

The Breakup: The one who leaves almost always says-Let’s be friends while the other is left with…

Justin’s dog is sick and needs an operation which is scheduled for Monday at 8am. The vet that I recommend to him is 10 minutes from my house. I tell him he to bring his dog with him to spend Sunday & Monday  with me at my house. He can then take the dog to the vet and we can enjoy Monday together. Best laid plans seldom work out…

It is Sunday afternoon and we are playing in the pool when I teasingly say “You just want to be platonic friends?” He responds “Yeah. I think we should.” I shake my head and ask if he’s joking and he says no.

Here I am trying to be nice without losing my cool. He just doesn’t feel the fireworks with me like he thinks he should feel.  I don’t get it,  just a few days ago he tells me he really likes me a lot and now he just wants to be friends? Is he fucking nuts?

On one hand I want to tell him to go to hell and leave but on the other hand his dog has the operation the next day . Ugh. I feel trapped. My compassion wins out for the dog. I didn’t want to put any stress on it. If he had any sense he would have broken up with me the next day when he was leaving not before hand. That would have been the right thing to do. Are you hearing this Justin?

But now it’s out there right in front of us. My ego is bruised.  I try to make the best of it and tell him to stay the night. I’m not ready to let him go. He’s gorgeous with a beautiful body; just one more day of seeing his naked body next to mine… Okay maybe it wasn’t going to work out being lovers maybe we could be friends.  WTF was I thinking? Being friends with an X when you like him more than a friend?…I don’t think so.

The one who leaves almost always says: Let’s be friends while the other is left with…

Online Dating: Words that haunt me

I am still reeling from the conversation with Justin a few days ago. His words still ring in my head like a broken record: “Summer is coming and if an opportunity presents itself I am taking it.” I need to talk to my friends about it. I will post the following question on FakeBook: “I am dating a guy that I really like who tells me he doesn’t want a commitment. What should I do?”

My friends answer the question. A few say he might be scared, just give it time, others say cut him loose because you want more than he can give you-a few likes with that one register from other friends. A close friend said give it 3-4 months. She says; “Just have fun-enjoy each other. He will come around.”

Justin befriended me on FakeBook and saw the post. He’s livid. He rattles off texts to me. “How dare anyone give advice that they have no clue too?” I tell him no one knows who he is. I posed a question asking for advice from my friends on my wall.  He is letting off steam. He says I should give it 3-4 months before jumping ship.

I know it’s only been 3 weeks that we have been dating. Rationally I know this isn’t much time. Why am I so hurt by the fact he doesn’t want to date me exclusively? Pride? Ego? From the moment I saw him I fell for him-at least sexually & physically. I’ve dated over 30 guys in the last 1.5 years and it’s always been NEXT! I am very choosy whom I date. I didn’t want a commitment-just casual dating.

All of it changed when I met Justin. I finally meet the guy that I can envision in my life for more than a few dates. His affection towards me is real-I know that-I can feel it. He acts like he really likes me and he tells me he likes me a lot. We talk about doing things in the future. I am confused.

His words haunt me. How can I have fun knowing he is going to dump me for someone else?

Relationship issues?

I was told by my past two lovers that I couldn’t handle relationships. Well they are wrong. Apparently they have no clue about a girl and her horse (s). I just spent the last hour out in the field in this f’in 95 degree heat adding new pasture so my horses could graze on real lush grass (Star & Locket are 13+ years-had Star since she was 2 months and Locket since she was 1.5 years old). What we do for our horses! If men only knew our commitment! Ha!
012

Is it the truth we seek?

If you want to see the Scorpio come out in me just lie to me. Everything you said to me – was that just a lie? Trust is earned it’s not given…Lessons learned…

Friendship_love_and_truthPS. It takes me a while to let go of the pain…I will eventually get back to the even keel. I will get there. What you call weird is just me lashing out because I allowed you in and I allowed myself to get hurt…

Date 4 with Justin-Is he letting me in?

cape cod birds nesting

Justin and I have been dating 3 weeks. We talk on the phone or text every day. Our 4th date is coming up. Originally he told me he wasn’t ready for me to meet his daughter apparently she didn’t like anyone he brought home. He didn’t want to deal with it. Things changed on the day we were getting together. A few hours before we were to meet he calls and leaves a message asking me to meet at his house. His 16 yr old daughter needs a ride to work. This way we have an unlimited amount of playtime. Yes I like this plan much better. I call him back and he tells me to bring my overnight gear. Hmmm…I like it a lot…

At 3 pm I arrive at his house and his daughter Julia answers the door. She is stunning just like her dad. She is a cool kid. I like her. “He’ll be right down” She says as she leads me to the living room. Justin saunters in. He is so handsome: Tall, chiseled, masculine. He gives me a bear hug and leans down to kiss me, smiles and says hello. I smile up at him.

“Julia are you ready?”

“Yep” Julia says.

“Let’s go” Justin says.

He drives a truck so I let Julia sit next to her dad. After we drop her off at work, we go to Mel’s Fun Park. We ride the Go-Karts – I leave him in the dust and then we play mini-golf. Very close game. Granted it took us a little longer because we were all over each other. He won by 3 strokes. It was fun to be silly and not have a care in the world.

“Are you hungry?” He asks me.

“Starving” I tell him.

“There is this pub with outdoor seating that we could go to?”

“Sounds good let’s go.” I say.

The meal isn’t anything special but being with Justin is. He is so affectionate. He has this habit of leaning over and kissing me. No matter where we are-he is so attentive. I love it. And when he looks at me with those hazel eyes I just melt. He is beautiful.

We get back to his place close to midnight. I have had a little too many drinks. We say good night to his daughter and her friends and head to the bedroom which is right off the living room/entry. He tells me we have to be quiet. I feel that we are the kids.

It’s hard for me to not be vocal especially when I am with a hot guy. I put my arms around him and we passionately kiss. He nibbles my ear, my neck and my breasts; suckling each until they are hard mounds. I feel my heart racing and I let out a moan. “Shhhh” he says. I can’t help it-he feels so good. I bite my lip and hold my breath.

He backs me to the bed and I instinctively sit. He kisses my stomach and then he pleasures me for hours. I am so wet. He makes me come so many times.  He is an amazing lover one of the best that I have had. We are both drenched but it feels so good as he puts his arm around me and holds me close as we drift off to sleep.

The next morning I wake up and he still has his arm around me. I turn and look at him. He opens his eyes and I smile. I tell him “I had this amazing dream-it was so real-we were doing a 69”. He smiles at me and says; “it was real-we did do it.” Then I remember and I laugh.

We start to kiss and I can feel him getting hard-morning sex-the best kind. I need no lubrication I am ready for him. He feels so good in me. He is just about to come when his daughter knocks on the door. She asks if she can take his truck to work. He tells her ok. Oh Man-getting caught by his daughter. We try it again, but she knocks again. Hmmm…I think she knows…

Journeyman (album)
Journeyman (album) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

We hang out for the rest of the day, just chilling. We watch Eric Clapton Live and Running on Faith is playing. I am sitting on the couch and he walks up to me and puts out his hand-“Dance with me” He says. We slow dance in his living room. My head comes up to his chin. He holds me close and then I put my head on his chest and we dance. He is so tender. I am falling for him.

I drop him off at his daughter’s work so he can get his truck.  He comes back to the car and I get out. We are standing behind my car on the main street. He gives me his bear hug and holds me for what seems to be eternity. I never want him to let me go. As we kiss-I want him again.

After I leave I meet my girlfriend Andrea at Martha’s and we have dinner. I look down and I see a text from Justin: It says: Hope u made it home safe & sound. I really enjoyed our time together. :^)

He is so sweet. I am in lust…

The Big White Elephant

Time...
Time…

In my online dating profile I disclose that I am not looking for a relationship and that I am leaving New England soon to follow my heart to Oregon. It’s right there in black & white. When I favored Justin on the online dating site I wasn’t expecting him to follow up so quickly with a “Hi.”

We exchanged a few emails and then I gave him my cell number. My motto is let’s meet in the flesh. I want to hear his laugh, his voice; I want to see if he is everything he says he is on paper.

I wasn’t expecting to fall for him so quickly. It wasn’t my intention-just casual dating. We just had the best 3rd date ever, spending 24 hours together. He is so attentive-what a wonderful lover. I love being with him. I affectionately call him my CLF: Confidant, Lover, & Friend. My walls are coming down.

Of course it’s inevitable something always gets in the way-the obstacle that we must overcome. I call him on his way to work a few days later. He must have woken up on the wrong side of the bed because he starts in on me regarding Oregon.

“Are you really going to Oregon?” He asks.

“I don’t know. It all depends on where we are when my dad’s house sells.”

“I don’t want to fall for you and then you leave me. I’ve been down that road before and I don’t want to go there again.” I can hear the agitation in his voice.

I try to calm him.

“Justin I really like you. I wasn’t expecting too. My sister Ava says I would be a fool to leave you for Oregon.”

“She did?” He asks.

“Yeah. It’s just like Bob Seger’s song Tomorrow: “I can’t promise you tomorrow no one has the right to lie. Have you heard it?”

“No.” He says.

“Can’t we just have fun and enjoy each other in the moment and get to know each other? I ask.

“I guess you’re right. We don’t even know each other…” His voice trails off.

“Are we okay?” I ask.

“Yeah. I just pulled into to work. Talk to you later.”

“Okay” I say.

I am uneasy. The big white elephant is staring us right in the face. I can feel that this is not going to be the last of this conversation. Justin is brooding. The Scorpio in him will not let it lie…

The X’s aka The X Factor

Julia with wine friendsIt’s the 3rd date rule apparently, to ask about the X’s. Find out about his/her past. Is he/she commitment material? Well Justin has had a number of X’s. Hmmm…Not sure if that if a good sign or not? Relationships that lasted from 1 month to a few years. Some ended badly others he is now friends with. A number of his x’s he is friends with. Hmmm…

On our second date I asked him (a little ditty I made up).

“If I choose to love only you

Is your heart free to love only me?”

He thought about it for a moment and then said he has love in his heart for others but he is not looking to get back with them. I wanted to know if I should let my walls down and let him in…I suppose his answer was truthful.

I am not jealous…I don’t feel threatened…but one woman in particular-Amanda, I know he still has feelings for. They were together for 9 months but she felt they couldn’t live together or have a future together…They are extremely close even now…Hmmm…

I on the other hand had a one night stand that lasted 15 years; my x husband. I had 2 FWB aka Friends with benefits or no strings attached relationships one lasted 4 years the other 7 plus years.  Those did not end well. I’ve dated many men; I call them “One date wonders”. NEXT! I am extremely choosy on who I let into my life. I am done settling.

I really like Justin, I could see myself with just him. But is he long-term? He seems to end relationships quickly. I don’t know…When the going gets tough is he the type that gets going? His relationships are windows to his soul. I am a little uneasy…

First Night

“I’m starving. Let’s get a bite to eat.” Justin says as he’s zipping his jeans. “I thought you had plenty to eat” I said laughing. He wraps his arms around me, kisses me and smiles.

I take him to Bailey’s and we order lunch. “If we get to the gift giving stage I know exactly what I am getting you.” He says as he holds my hand. I am tingling. I still can’t get over how attentive he is. He leans towards me and says “kiss me”. I do. It’s nice. His hazel eyes look through me and I melt.

“And what are you going to get me?” I ask. “You will find out”…

That night after we graze the horses, he meets my sister, Ava. We all converse on an intellectual level. Good looks, a brain and very affectionate. A girl could get used to this. I notice that if I stand away from him he comes over and stands very close to me. I like him invading my space…I feel secure with him.

It’s getting late. We say goodnight to Ava and I lead him once again to my bedroom. I put my arms around him and we kiss. He feels so good. His body is soft and tender yet masculine. I love how he touches me.

I want him-I am so wet I can barely contain myself as I take off his clothing. He looks at me and I melt. His hard cock is perfect as I take him all in…I come so many times. He’s an amazing lover.

As I lie next to him after our tepid love-making he strokes my face and I smile. He looks at me. Jane has met her Tarzan…

Jason pof chest

The 3rd date with Justin-pleasurable moments…

Art shotIt’s Memorial Weekend that Justin is coming over to my house to spend the night. A sleep over…our first. Hmmm…Nervous? A little. At 1pm he is at my door. I open it, he is so God Like. Tall, dark and handsome. He smiles at me with his mischievous grin and takes me in his arms and hugs me. He hugs like a bear-nice. He leans down and kisses me. I melt he is so affectionate. I have never been with a man who is so touchy feel. I could get used to this.

“So this is my home-Welcome Home” I say as I lead him into the house hand in hand. “I like it, it reminds me of where I grew up”. I show him the house and the final stop my bedroom. The bed…The king size platform bed. “I know it’s not the best headboard for sex but it will have to do.” I say laughing.

He puts his hands on my hips and motions me to the bed. I instinctively sit. He bends down and kisses me. I can see where this is leading. I am starting to get goose bumps.

I think he has done this before…

My walls are coming down…I am letting him in…What a wonderful lover he is…putting my needs first…pleasuring me so attentively…

I am in lust…

Pros and cons of the one I like…

Mark POF doctor sales guy chestJustin and I are going on our third date. It’s been only 2 weeks since our 1st date but we talk everyday. I am starting to really like him. It’s funny on my online dating profile I said that I want to date but nothing serious. I want my freedom to do what I want without feeling guilty. I’ve dated plenty of men and it’s always been NEXT until Justin. Something about him-maybe it was that on his dating profile he wanted a long-term relationship. Hmmm…Could I do that? Could I be with just one guy?

He’s great on paper and in real life better. I’ve never met someone who I feel such a connection with. I start weighing the pros and cons. Pros: He has his act together, a great family, loves his daughters & they love him, a steady job that he is passionate about, he’s a builder, he is an ISEC (I made it up) Intellectual Stimulating Eye Candy, very affectionate (never had someone so touchy feel in my life-I love it), gentlemen (opens my car door). and I love being with him.

Cons: He is a Scorpio like me-very emotional. He’s controlling-he likes things done his way-Alfa-just like me-how can 2 queens run the castle? He analyzes everything to death vs. me-I am extremely impulsive-how can we get along in the long run? Yin and Yang. He’s older than me-I know 3 years but he is in a different decade. He loves women who are well endowed-I am not, I am small & perky. I think the last one is a major factor, because I am feeling insecure that I will never measure up to his ideal woman. I can see that driving us apart…

My walls will go up to protect myself and I will become unglued. It’s not going to be pretty. Even though he says it’s the whole package I can’t help but think that he’s just saying that to appease me…

Hmmmm…What’s a girl to do?

The Second Date-best ever…

Air Hockey I
Air Hockey I (Photo credit: Crashworks)

Saturday night I had the best first date ever with Justin Logan. I can’t help myself the impulsive girl that I am. I text him the next day and ask if he is allowed to go out on a school night. He replies with a grin, yes. So we meet for a casual fun evening at Boston Billiards. Now I will tell you right off the bat I can’t play pool but after a few cocktails I am a little better. Air hockey? I am queen. Fooze ball I suck but it’s fun to play.

I tell him that I will be shooting basketball hoops and to meet me at the little arcade. I am doing okay until he distracts me. I thought for a tall guy 6’1″ he would be a wiz at basketball but no. He gives me a hug. What a great hugger he is. Hmmm…We chit chatt for a few and then I suggest pool. We play for 2 hours and only 2 games. Apparently other things got in the way. We talk, laugh and flirt for most of it. Every time I go to line up my balls he would close in for the kill. “Go away you are making me nervous” I tell him. Geeze Louise-he is so beautiful I feel like a school girl around him. I think he knows how he can captivate his audience. He is vain and has an ego the size of Mt Everest…but he is fun to flirt with…

We are acting like kids-just laughing and carrying on. We are all over each other. There are sexual undertones going on. I ask him if he wants to play a few games of air hockey. He says yes. Hmmmm…He is in for a surprise.  I am going to whoop his ass…he deserves being brought down a few notches…

First game I win 7 to 4 next I win 7-0. Justin is a good loser. It’s getting late and I ask him if he wants to have a make out session in his truck. I know this is childish but I can’t help myself. We are in the middle of no where and I am curious to see what he is like.

Well when we finally say good night we both agreed that it was the best second date ever…That Justin Logan is one mighty fine kisser…

Jane meets her Tarzan…

Old Joshua & Rocks, Joshua Tree NP 4-13-13
Old Joshua & Rocks, Joshua Tree NP 4-13-13 (Photo credit: inkknife_2000)

scottf zoosk for SerenaFor the past year and a half. I have dated men that are much younger than myself. I am not talking a few years but closer to 10-20 years younger. I feel they have their whole lives in front of them and aren’t bitter. Well it’s been an experience to say the least. I call it NEXT!

30 NEXT’s later, I am scrolling through the online dating site looking at men when I happen across an older man-3 years older than me. A few weeks ago I would never even look at someone in his age bracket (next decade over) but something about his kind eyes stopped me in my tracks. He is extremely handsome. I read his profile-I could tell he’s very analytical/detailed oriented by the way he describes his detailed workout at the gym. One minus against him, but he’s beautiful and he plays guitar. I am drawn to good looking artistic men. I am smitten.

I click the favorite button-meaning I add him to my list of men I like. As soon as I do he replies with a Hi. That is extremely quick-I didn’t expect him to reply so quickly or at all.

We converse with a few emails then I give him my cell # and tell him to call me with his vocal chords. The soothing sound of the voice is huge for me. If his voice irritates me as finger nails on a black board then I can’t date him. Can a man so beautiful have such a horrible voice? Hopefully he isn’t a high talker or low talker or cigarette sounding talker or…

He calls and he has a masculine voice-deep, like a baritone, but soothing. We talk for over an hour-good sign. Okay cute, intelligent and has a sexy voice. Hmmm…

Next step; getting together. He invites me to see a local band on Saturday night. I make sure that I look hot, have my hair done, wear my sexy little turquoise mini-skirt. I look mighty fine, I must admit. I get to the bar early and text him that I am sitting at the outside bar. A few minutes later I turn and I see him walking towards me. My heart skips a beat. He is absolutely beautiful-model quality. Now I am nervous. We smile, sum each other up and give each other a hug.

His name is Justin. He looks like a Justin. Tall, athletically built not overbuilt just right. He is a gentlemen. He pulls out the chair for me to sit. I am not accustom to this type of treatment. Younger men don’t care if you sit or not. I suppose I can get use to it.

We have dinner, watch the band, talked about everything. At one point I see my phone on his phone so I put it in my bag. Apparently it’s his, we both have two phones that are identical and both carry two phones our business and our personal. That is fate. Hmmm…

He tells me he can dance so I egg him onto the dance floor and we dance. Very sexy. We danced the night away. After the band stopped playing he asks if I want to go to another dance spot. Of course. As we are walking a group of guys come towards us and he grabs my hand. Hmmm…Nice.

Close to 1 am, we call it a night. He walks me to my car-hand in hand, which is parked about a good distance away. I feel safe and secure with him. He asks if I want to get together again. Most definitely. We both agree it is the best first date ever. At the car as he says goodnight and kisses me. The perfect kiss…I am hooked…

Liar Liar Pants on fire: A guide to surviving online dating

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They both need to be changed on a regular basis. There are many politicians running for office on these online dating sites. Head games aka power games are the norm. Millions of men and women are lying.  We are not talking about little white lies.  We are talking about pathological lying, there is a huge difference between the two.

Let’s take: OldBlueEyes33, 33 yrs old from Fall River. He says he is looking for a long-term relationship. He croons about being lonely and is looking for his partner in crime (I think the latter gave him away). Anyone who uses that line is a con artist. Partner in crime? The only thing one will get is a broken heart or time in the slammer or both.

Handsome with his baby blues and pictures of himself with his mom and dad. How could anyone think that he was a phony? But after conversing with him a number of times I started to draw a very different conclusion of what he wanted. He’s the kind that tells you what you want to believe but he hasLiar Liar other plans. He’s just playing-aka the Power Trip.

Then there is Shinning12 43 years old from North of Boston: Tall, dark and handsome also looking for a relationship or so he says. Hey I think I’ve seen him before. Oh yes! He is NJV1008 (read about him in my older blog: Looking for my last kiss). Same profile-different pictures. But wait, he just added a picture that was on the other profile. Now he is looking for hookups. Sex only. Relationships done him wrong-can’t handle the commitment? Hmmmm…..

Oh and then there is BabaSmiles: 50 years old from Boston. He winked at me. Does he have something in his eye? Then followed up with an email me  telling me his subscription expires today. He loves my profile and pictures and wants to get to know me. He gives me his cell number and asks me to call him. He’s handsome. Granted just one picture. One has to wonder if he is real or is he Memorex? I do call him, curious that I am. Apparently his voice mail isn’t hooked up, so I can’t leave a message. How appropriate. I text him. He never replies. What’s the point? Gives me his number but never follows up? Another collector of cell phones?  Hmmmm….

And the list of liars goes on. So if you plan on dating online remember don’t believe everything you hear. It’s a crap shoot out there. Remember Peter and the Wolf?

The Art of Kissing: A guide to online dating

The art of french kissing: If I’m sexually attracted to you I will want to kiss you and the kiss is the tell-tale sign of things to come…A great french kiss does not involve lots of saliva (no dogs drooling at the table) nor does it involve the limp tongue (dead fish) nor does it involve face sucking. It’s an art that is learned. It’s very sensual and arouses the senses.

“The Kiss” I take your hand and lead you to the dance floor, wrapping my arms around you as you pull me close. “I want to kiss you all over” by Exile is playing in the background. With eyes closed I slowly make my way to your lips. My mouth touches yours. I wait patiently for you to let me in. Slowly, you open your mouth. My tongue cautiously enters, prodding, feeling its way into the darkness. Our tongues meet and become one; dancing, caressing…

NO PRESSURE!!!!

Online Dating: My new profile on a paying dating site

I switched to a paying website to see if there was a better caliber of men who actually want to meet. It’s all a marketing game. Strategic positioning, changing pictures, profiles helps shake things up.  My current profile reads:

I am doing a search and this ad for coupons for the online dating site keeps on popping up on the bottom right of my screen. It reminds me of a small dog jumping up and down. I x it off and low in behold it comes right back. Doesn’t it get it I’m just not that into it….Hmmm….

Humor let’s our guard down, it’s a way into the front door-but once we are in, we are already looking for our escape route. I am constantly changing my profile to reflect: Musings, humorous lines, conversations because that is life and it is who I am. BTW: A Long profile weeds out men who can’t read more than a word or a sentence :) You will be quizzed. These make me laugh, some that I made up some from known unknown.

Come ride with me and leave your GPS at home. The trip is so much more fun when.you don’t have a clue to what’s behind the door or know what’s in the curve ahead. Carry on baggage is preferred when straying off the beaten path for new adventures.

Seek and you will find? A confidant, a lover, or a friend. All of the above would be a jolly old time as well. Run wild by my side. Be my equal but don’t try to tame me. I am looking for a man who is passionate in who he is and what he stands for. A man who is not afraid to stand at the plate and swing and miss. One who follows his own path, not what others tell him (society).

If you are intelligent, adventurous, fun, loves to laugh (does anyone remember laughter?), flirtatious, sensual, spontaneous…then come and knock on my door and say hello. Do you hear the theme song to Three’s Company? I would love to get to know you, especially if you are an ISEC.

Sexual Chemistry is a must…unless we are just platonic friends.

An Enigma, a contradiction in terms and a free spirit-the girl in 3D.

All around girl who is passionate in what she does and what she believes in. Not your average girl. I come from a creative talented family who believes in following dreams and making them a reality. A rebel with a cause. Don’t label me I am not a can of soup. The poem, The Road Not Taken by Robert Frost is my favorite-the words ring true it’s what I live by.

Traveling, seeing the world is amazing. Interlaken, Switzerland is beautiful. The rivers from the glacier melts are turquoise blue. It’s off the beaten path, but well worth the trip. To see the sculpture “The Kiss” by Rodin in Paris up close is very sensual. Life is full of adventures, I’m heading out, do you want to come?

Here’s a little ditty I made up:

If I choose to love only you.
Your heart must be free to love only me

I will leave you with a few quotes; some that I made up and others from Authors unknown (If you know who coined it, let me know not no):

“Laugh at your own problems, everybody else does.”

“A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.”

“Some people hear voices…Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.”

“I never get lost; it just takes me a little longer to get home.”

“What’s the difference between a man and ET? ET phoned home.”

What’s up with texting goodbyes? Is the conversation over? Hello is anyone out there? Can you hear me? Hellllooooooo…

“I am not looking to tie you down, chain you up or run you over with your truck. That goes ditto for me except I don’t drive or own a truck.”

Smile you are on Candid Camera.

******************************

I will be changing it again very soon. It’s an interesting past time to say the least.

 

Texting: Where are your manners when it’s time to say goodbye?

"Tied Up"

What’s up with texting? Is there no etiquette to ending the conversation? See you, good-bye, enjoy, chow, talk later. Its’ like being on hold with no music. Did they hang up? Are we still having a conversation? Did they walk away and forget?

….Hello is anyone out there?Those who use texting as their only tool for conversation are those who don’t give a flying hoot about communication.  All right, there are exceptions to the rule.

  • They are in a bad cell area and texting is the only form of communication that they have (they must have Verizon).
  • They have been kidnapped and texting is the only form of communication that they have.
  • They are stranded on a deserted island and texting is the only form of communication they have.
  • They have lost their voice and texting is the only form of communication they have.

Oh did I say that before? Am I repeating myself? I get it.

One can text and then leave the other dangling by never saying goodbye or finishing the conversation.

Yesterday for example I was conversing with a guy from Match. His user name is Loves2Dive (I changed it to protect the guilty). He is a commercial diver which I find interesting so I emailed him and he responded. We conversed a few times and then he emailed me his cell so I called it and left a message.

Apparently he only converses with fishes not mermaids. After not hearing from him for a few hours (maybe he didn’t get the voice mail message) I text him. Heaven behold he replied right back via text.. Aaaahhh the text, hiding behind one’s words not voice. We exchanged a few messages and then nothing. The line went dead.

Patient as  I am. I waited. Well it was his day off as he said and that he was lounging about. Whatever….He couldn’t peel himself off from the couch, apparently. He couldn’t even bother saying he wasn’t interested. He could have said something. Something is always better than nothing.  It’s rude plain and simple. If I am not interested in someone I tell them. I say something to that effect.  When I text and want to finish the conversation I say: Talk later or see you, have fun, something as ending the conversation. Why can’t I get that in return?

So now I write about it. I get it He’s just not that into me. He is a collector of cell numbers. Hmmm….

Thank God for NEXT!

 

Texting: Deciphering the acronyms

SYMBOLS:

On the new language: I just found out a few months ago what :) and :-) :( means. I had to ask a friend who has kids to decipher the codes. Apparently we can’t understand emotions with words so we have to add symbols to it. There is a new law that went into effect regarding word rage. In order to avoid rattling off nasty texts because we don’t understand what the other has said, we must put these :) symbols in so people don’t fly off the handle.

CAPITAL LETTERS:
I am told means that the person is UPSET!

And everyone’s favorite is, the
acronym – LOL (laugh out loud or lots of love) depends on who you talk 2 (I
can’t spell out two or too or to its to long). Hehe haha (that means it’s funny
in case you don’t understand how to laugh. I need to tell you when to laugh
just like the laugh tracks on the comedy TV shows…

When someone text me LMAO. I thought he was telling me I was a lame. I had no idea that it meant, laugh my ass off.
LMFAO = laugh my fuckin’ ass off

Mark my words: Looking 4 my last kiss

What is it with fake profiles? Why do they seem to be so prevalent on online dating sites? Beautiful man checking out my profile. Of course I had to peek at his. Interesting, he’s a doctor with a PhD, black hair, brown eyes, a body to die for… Wait did he say he has brown eyes? Hold the fort. Let me go back to that picture. I swear he has green eyes. They look green. Hmmmm…..He says he’s looking for his last kiss. Is he dying?

 Curious that I am I have to write to him. I write a seductive note:

Are you the man who knows how to use his tongue in all the right places? I believe it’s called French kissing.

A man who can go the distance and can pleasure a woman not just in words but in actions?

A man who is passionate inside and outside the bedroom?

Hmmmmmm……….I wonder…

The pleasure is all mine.

******************

No response. I thought at least that would get his attention-he is a man or so I think he is. And as they say men have 2 emotions, hungry & horny. If you don’t see him with an erection make him a sandwich. I’m not sure who coined that phrase but I thought it was funny.

A few weeks later I see that he has changed his profile. He is now in sales/marketing with a high school diploma. Same pictures though & same interests. I have to write again. I can’t resist the urge to mock him.

HotChild2012

4/12/2012   2:11:25 PM

You are too funny! Your old profile said that you were in the medical profession and had a PHD/Doctrate degree. You also said that you were into french kissing and you could have sex 3 to 4 times/night and you were looking for your last kiss…

Now your profession is sales and marketing and you have a high school degree.  Your interests are the same and the picture is the same. But can the real….Please Stand up. You are looking for morals and honesty? WOW!!!!

I take it you were annoyed by all the women drooling over you due to your sex appeal and being a Doctor meant sugar daddy appeal to women.

“The best way to lie is to tell the truth, carefully edited truth.”

Have fun-to the boy who plays the lead in Catch Me If You Can

NJV1008

4/12/2012   8:00:20 PM

love to lic ur ass

Okay now. This guy is a total loser. On top of it he can’t spell-apparently he doesn’t use a dictionary-probably doesn’t know what one is. I can’t help but badger him. It’s the wise ass in me that is compelled to do so. I write back.

                                                               HotChild2012

4/12/2012   11:02:03 PM

Here’s a few on the quotes that I will share with you:

“I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll make an exception.” –Groucho Marx

“We all know that Art is not truth. Art is a lie that makes us realize the truth, at
least the truth that is given to us to understand.” –Pablo Picasso

Hey Doc: “Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?”

“100,000 sperm and you were the fastest?”

All in fun with a little bit of sarcasm thrown in for good measure and some quotes
to ponder while you figure out who you are! LOL!

Enjoy the ride my friend, you might want to buckle up, you’ll never know what
potholes you’re going to fall into!

     NJV1008

4/13/2012   5:03:56 PM

I   would eat your pussy all night and fuck you with my face, fuck you soo good

Obviously this guy has some issues. I wonder if he does this with all women? Hmmmm….I will have to find out…

 

The Faceless Creature

Do those who hide behind their masks seek truth? Or, are they afraid of the perceptions of those who judge them?

Have you seen him? Does he look very similar to others? Apparently there are many of them. Can you tell them apart? Hmmmm….

I understand online dating is equivalent to the blind date. I know that many women say looks aren’t everything. But who are we kidding? To me it’s the whole package. I am not one to fall in love with a faceless creature. This is not “Beauty & The Beast”. My mind conjures up images of what I seek, what I fantasize about. His written words might intrigue me and I may converse for a time but I am curious to know what lies on the outside.

Sexual chemistry is not just his soul but his physical prowess. He doesn’t have to be a Greek god. I’ve met beautiful men who are eye candy but once the mouth opens, I just want to duct tape it shut. Nor does he have to be Zeus aka the upside down triangle but he shouldn’t be a weeble wobble but don’t fall down body type either. Taking care of the body is important to me. It means he wants a healthy body to keep him from death’s door.

The face is the window to his soul. It could be something as simple as his smile, or the twinkle in his eyes that captures my interest. I want to know more. Pictures tell 1000 words. I understand it’s not everything but it’s a start. I’ve spoken to the “No Face” and asked about his picture. The responses are the same. The picture is too small and the dating site won’t allow him to put it on. He’s not photogenic, he’s not… Why doesn’t he just tell me he’s in the witness protection program or wanted by the FBI? It’s the same thing. It’s an excuse to hide behind.

When one hides behind the mask it shows insecurity and deception. It also lowers the bar on trust. If you are serious about knowing who I am, show me your face.

To Pay or Not To Pay That is the ?

I was on a free online dating site;  but I wanted to know if there was a difference in quality of men on paying sites. So I signed up on a online dating site where one must pay for service.  My feeling is that if you have to pay for it you will want to meet in person. There will be less introverts and more extroverts on paying sites. That was my theory.  Boy was I wrong. It’s the same caliber of men just recycled-like the evening news.

When push comes to shove the majority of people really don’t want to meet in person. Online dating is fantasy land. “Ooh baby baby. let’s get it on.” It’s a video game. Texting, sexting, phone conversations, emailing, IM, video chatting whatever todays flavor, keeps people at arm’s length. It’s all the same mumbo jumbo crap. It’s better not to have to get involved with an actual human being. The thought of another horrible blind date is more than most can bear.

Sitting at home at our computer in our sloppy clothes, stuffing our face with high calorie food is comforting. Knowing that we can create the fantasy of what that person is like and our persona that we created is better than real life.

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