I remember the day that changed my life forever. I was in the kitchen with my husband. He was standing against the stove when I broke the news to him of my feelings for another man. I asked for a divorce. He just looked at me, as tears welled up in his eyes and shook his head. As he walked away he said “Okay, you win. I’m not going to fight you” I stood there watching him walk out the door. Finally, I was free.
I wasn’t thinking about how I hurt him or my immediate plans or my horses or my dog, or my living arrangements, or my life. I didn’t plan, I just mechanically went through the motions of numbness. I called my friend and told her what happened. She offered a place for me to stay while I sort things out. I packed a bag and left.
I was looking forward to a new chapter in my life with Jonathan. My dream of designing and building with a man who would be my business and intimate partner was what I wanted, or so I thought. I was banking on a fantasy. As children, we are led to believe that our Prince or Knight in shining armor will whisk us away and make everything all right. I was wrapped up in the fantasy.
Jonathan and I had plans to drive up the coast for the weekend. I called him and excitedly told him the news of my divorce. Silence on the other end. I thought I had a dropped call. The Verizon commercial “Can you hear me now?” resonated in my head. “Are you there?” I asked. Finally, the silence was broken.
“You’re married?” he asked.
I was dumbfounded. “I told you at dinner last night that I was and you said you couldn’t date someone who was married. Don’t you remember that?”
“What do you mean NO? I countered.
“We talked for hours and you never told me you were married”! he yelled.
I pulled the phone away from my ear as I looked at it in disbelief. WTF! “Yes, I did at the end of the night. We made plans for our future. We talked about designing and building together. We made arrangements to go away together. What is wrong with you? Do you have amnesia? I asked my husband for a divorce because I don’t believe in cheating and that’s all you can say to me? Are you serious?”
Again silence. “Hello”! I scream! No answer. I look at the phone and it says call failed. I’m beyond bullshit. I just threw my marriage away over a guy who has amnesia. What was I thinking?
He texts me a few minutes later telling me he’ll pick me up at 8 and we’ll talk. I reply, Okay and text the address. Thoughts are whirling around in my head. How could I be so naive? What foolish notions did I conjure up? Is he for real?!